The only thing bigger than the hair is the hate, folks.
The warring women of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” hath returned for season thirteen, premiering February 7 on Bravo.
The network teases, “New relationships, broken hearts, and heated feuds put the Jersey women and their families to the ultimate test. Can one ‘Wife’s fairytale wedding prove once and for all that ‘family is everything’? Or will the drama reach new heights and threaten their friendships?”
Helping the drama reach said heights are newcomers Rachel Fuda, the Taurus BFF of Melissa Gorga and Danielle Cabral, longtime Leo pal of Teresa Giudice and Dolores Catania. Cue the scorched earth and acrylic clawing.
Since premiering in 2009 the RHONJ has served as an anthropological survey of a rotating cast of women vying for power in the privileged wilderness of the Garden State where macro aggressions, mega mansions and unabashed camp and rampant rage run amuck.
In his seminal work, “Beyond Good and Evil,” Libra Friedrich Nietzche declared, “Under peaceful conditions, the warlike man attacks himself.” If we hold this belief to be true than perhaps it is the deflection of conflict that keeps these women from self destruction.
From table flipping to door slamming, name calling, hair pulling, brawling in parking lots and/or infant christenings, no one throws down or throws an insult quite like this crew. This begs the question is their on screen ire written in the stars?
With a mess of confrontation loving Aries energy, fixed signs and plenty of square aspects it would certainly seem so. Special thanks to Danica Daniel, Danny Murphy and Evan Real for shining a light on the astrological energy betwixt these wild women.
ARIES March 21 – April 19
Confrontation is oxygenating to an Aries and there is plenty of hot air among these broads, with the densest concentration of housewives falling under the sign of the ram.
Margaret Josephs
Born April 9, 1967, double Aries (sun and moon) Margaret Josephs exhibits the cardinal fire signs propensity for a call out and a pot stir. Indeed, an Aries on the war path is not unlike a dog with a bone. Aries like Marg don’t think of their inserting, insisting, prodding, public outings as meddling so much as a righteous campaign of discovery. As Josephs explained on S’More Instagram Live, “I care about Teresa very deeply. I only want her to be happy. I am brutally honest about the way I feel and I only say things in people’s best interests unless I really hate your guts and I don’t hate Teresa at all.”
Truly, the incendiary nature of Aries is very rarely about a personal attack and more often than not an instinctual need to react and rectify. For all their firepower, Aries is quick to temper but equally quick to extinguish as Margaret revealed during an appearance on “Watch What Happens Live,” “I hold everybody accountable, even my husband. I say what I feel in the moment, then I move on from it.” Right on Marg, you keep moving on and the rest of us will stand upon the scorched earth you’ve cast.
Tiki Barber
Another Aries on the cast that doesn’t hesitate to say what they feel in the moment? Running back and unrepentant ram Tiki Barber, born April 7, 1975. Known affectionately as Tiki Barber Walters, he fearlessly, some may say tactlessly, called Louis into question about claims that he had physically assaulted a previous partner.
Jennifer Aydin
Double Aries, (sun and moon) Jennifer Aydin was born April 16, 1977 and her approach to conflict is absolutely hair trigger. As fellow Aries Melissa Gorga and her wrist attest, “she has violence in her and she gets a little gangster.” Blessedly, her outbursts sometimes spawn catchphrases like “little bitch boy,” a true boon to the English lexicon. Hot headed, Aries like Aydin are reactionary, easily provoked and nearly incapable of playing it cool. As Aydin admits, “That’s all I do is I react.” Indeed the lesson for Aydin as for all rams is to respond rather than react, and to pause before pouncing. While the adoption of this philoposphy would probably be beneficial to Aydin’s blood pressure it would no doubt be ruinous to her reign as our favorite firebrand.
Melissa Gorga
Melissa Gorga was born March 21, 1979 making her an off the rails Aries with a calculating Capricorn moon. As Melissa admitted to ET Online following her cheese plate showdown with Teresa, “I’m not really an aggressive one, but I just wanted to throw something. Not at anyone, because I had made a pact that I wouldn’t throw anything at anyone, but I needed to get it out for a second. It was sitting there and I don’t know what happened.” Leave it to an Aries to take a vow not to resist the urge to hurl things, but to refrain from hurling them at others. Bless up baby, keep standing up to make your points and throwing things at will.
TAURUS April 20 – May 20
Taurus is symbolized by the bull and natives run the risk of leading with their horns. Lovers of indulgence; beautiful people, gout inducing food and lavish surroundings they can be infuriatingly self righteous.
Teresa Giudice
Born May 18, 1972 Queen Teresa Giudice is a stubborn AF Taurus sun with a drama hungry Leo moon. I believe it is this exact sun/moon combination that is at the heart of the iconic table flip from season one. Taurus loves dinner and Leo loves a spectacle. As a fixed sign, Taurus holds on to toxic relationships, canned goods and most of all to their accumulated grudges. In fact, every Taurus alive keeps a small garden where they routinely water and rotate their rancor. Bulls struggle to deliver or accept an apology, encapsulated by Tre’s “I don’t want your f***king goody bag,” response to Marg’s post brunch snub olive branch.
Ruled by Venus, planet of love and beauty, bulls can be shockingly superficial and downright savage when it comes to appraising the aesthetics of others. Indeed, Tre is the cast member voted most likely to fat shame. The influence of Venus also lends itself to opulence. Taureans loves fine fabrics, carbohydrates and exhibiting their tastes by hosting fabulous parties.
One of the darker aspects of Taurean nature is hypocrisy. Mercy, these people can dish it out but lord knows they cannot take it. We see this double standard play out in Teresa who demands absolute loyalty from loved ones and total discretion about rumors related to her but is unable to respond in kind.
Taureans put up a front of toughness and a veneer of perfection because they fear vulnerability, proverbial chinks in their armor. Marg calls this avoidant behavior Teresa “lying to herself” but in truth it’s a defense strategy that develops from the need to feel in control and strong fro the sake of others. Much has been made of Teresa’s slow reaction time, to shocking or flying cheese trays, this delay is yet another strategy of defense that allows this fixed earth sign to fully process their experiences.
Taurus knows their own propensity for destruction, thus it is better for all parties that they take this time. Especially considering that the alternative looks something like Teresa showering Jackie with a chorus of c**ts following their discussion of unsubstantiated rumors. Taurus won’t quit, even and especially when they probably should, a quality that accounts for Tre being one of the longest standing cast members in Housewives’s history.
Rachel Fuda
Born May 1, 1991, Rachel Fuda is a true blue Taurus. Bulls are known for their loyalty and ‘my way or the high way approach’ to love and leadership and it tracks that Fuda would be a ride or die for BFF Melissa Gorga and describe herself as, “A total dictator mom who rules with an iron and uncompromising fist.”
There is no democracy up in this b***h. What I say is what happening.” Fuda’s got a whole pasture of historical Taurean dictators to keep her company, including but not limited to Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Lenin, and Sadaam Hussein. Taurus is a fixed sign that isn’t prone to backing down so it will be interesting to see how Fuda and Giudice, a pair of formidable brunette bulls, will lock horns.
Luis Ruelas
Born April 23, 1975, Teresa’s fiancee Luis Ruelas is a Taurus just like his lady love. In keeping with the Venusian preoccupation with aesthetics and possessions, Luis constantly compliments Teresa on the way she looks and lavishes her with gifts like a 100K Christmas car, an anniversary scroll detailing his love for her and a Greek engagement complete with matching outfits and a seriously stunning ring. It also tracks that two Taureans would fast track moving in together as the curation of a beautiful and comfortable home is essential to the bull herd. Because Taurus really digs in when it comes to love, standing by and hanging in through thick and thin, I have a feeling these two are in it for the long haul and the lifetime commitment. Naysayers be damned and Marg be silenced we hope these two crazy kids continue to bask in their shared pasture and in the sunshine of their love.
GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Symbolized by the twins, Geminis have a reputation for duplicity and as it stands all of the confirmed philanderers on the cast fall under the stars of Gemini. Ruling the third house of communication and mental processing, Geminis require copious amounts of mental stimulation and distraction to feed their hungry minds. Highly adaptable and hyper verbal, they excel at sexting and can talk themselves into and out of all manner of trouble.
Frank Catania
Born May 28th in an undisclosed year, Frank Catania certainly puts the gem in Gemini. The mystery surrounding his age is typical of this mutable air sign which prefers to keep people guessing. Gemini gets a bad rap for being flaky and with his lackadaisical approach to ex-wife Dolores’s home renovations, our boy doesn’t do much to help the cause. But who could hate on Frank, looking as he does like Woody Harrelson’s beefcake younger brother? Given his devotion to his ex Dolores and the fact that he didn’t stop eating during a cat fight, I’m willing to bet Big Frank has a cozy, potato loving Taurus Moon.
Bill Aydin
Born June 2, 1978, Jennifer Aydin’s husband Bill is a Gemini sun. A mutable sign, Geminis are innately flexible, with a wide range of interests and an openness to change and forward momentum. This sign favors avoidance over intervention and observation over action, preferences that explain why Bill would beat feet away from Jennifer’s altercation with Melissa. It is wholly understandable that a Cardinal, action oriented, sign like Jennifer would view this avoidance as weakness, calling Bill a “f–king p–y” for not defending her in the wrist fight.
The different modalities of this couple are also evident in their responses to Bill’s affair. Bill is happy to move on from the trauma while Jennifer feels like there hasn’t been enough active healing and intentionality on Bill’s part to warrant forgiving and forgetting. To paraphrase Rumi, and for the sake of their children, we hope these two can meet each other in the field beyond their differences.
Joe Giudice
Born May 22, 1972 , Teresa’s ex-husband Joe Giudice is a polarizing Gemini sun. Evidence of Joe’s Gemini nature abounds, including but not limited to his erratic on camera behavior and duplicitous business dealings. On his Instagram page Joe describes his interests as “entrepreneurial endeavors,” the professional equivalent of an “it’s complicated” relationship status. Yet, at his best, Joe demonstrates the Gemini propensity for duality and the containment of multitudes.
Though he was inarguably an awful husband, Joe has proven himself to be a tender and devoted dad. Further exhibiting the Gemini super power of adaptability, Joe’s stint in jail has given him a fit new physique and a new lease on life, one he hopes can help others experiencing similar setbacks. Can’t say we don’t love a redemptive arc, especially when it includes well wishes for his ex and her new man.
CANCER June 21 – July 22
There’s nary a Cancer to be found among the Jersey wives but word has it the ladies of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” are positively awash in crab vibes.
LEO July 23 – August 22
Joe Gorga
Born August 21, 1979, Joe Gorga is a true lion king with sun, moon, Mercury and Venus all in the sign of Leo. Family oriented, warm and gregarious, Joe is a devoted father and the leader of the shot taking, bro hugging housewife husband crew known as the “wolf pack.” Hot-tempered and decidedly libidinous with a pension for high speed and flirting with disaster, it is unsurprising that a Leo like Joe would proudly admit to watching porn during his afternoon commute.
Yet, It is in the savannas of Instagram that Joe is his most Leo self, His account is a veritable echo chamber of inspirational quotes, goal hashtags, selfies and cryptic warnings about loyalty, authenticity and haters. It is here in this kingdom of his own making that Joe reminds Joe to “always clap for himself.”
Danielle Cabral
Born August 21, 1985, new cast member Danielle Cabral is a loud and proud Leo. Cabral describes herself as “over the top and extra” the very epitome of a self-aware lion. Her tagline is “I’d rather be bougie than basic,” apropos of a sign that’s known to be unapologetic in their presentation. Leo rules the fifth house of creativity and the inner child and fittingly, Cabral owns and operates a cutting edge clothing boutique for toddlers. Leos do not shy from the stage or the stage lights and Cabral is no exception having been featured on HGTV and MTV. Further evidence of her party positive, have a good time all the time, leonine nature can be found in this Instagram post where our girl lives her truth that “Breakfast is a meal but brunch is a culture.”
Evan Goldschneider
Born August 8, 1974, Evan Goldshneider is a slightly more tranquil Leo than Joe but equally affable and every bit the family man. Proving himself to be as regal as his sign aspires to be, Evan graciously forgave Teresa for spreading rumors of his infidelity at his birthday party.
VIRGO August 23 – September 22
In a surprise to no one, keep it tight, drama averse Virgo can’t even with this find of messiness and there’s not a single one among this cast.
LIBRA September 23 – October 22
Jackie Goldschneider
Born October 2, 1976, Jackie Goldenschneider is a harmony seeking Libra. Being that Libra is symbolized by the scales and balances of justice, it is utterly fitting that Jackie is a trained lawyer. Libra rules the seventh house of partnership and those that fall under the sign tend to go to great lengths to secure and maintain their unions, including but not limited to catered birthday parties and promissory blow jobs.
Alternating between conflict averse doormat and well meaning diplomat, Libra is ever attempting to restore harmony. We see this energy expressed in Jackie who never fails to extend the invitation and the olive branch to her frenemies. In reflecting on the dumpster fire that was season 11, Jackie gave a typically peace positive, marriage revering response, “We dealt with it, we handled it, we stood united, and in the end, we all forgave each other and made up and moved forward. And I don’t think there’s anything better than that.”
Libra’s lean on parallels to help them understand the world and connect with others. We witnessed this strategy absolutely backfire when Jackie attempted to draw parallels between allegations of Evan’s infidelity and rumors of Gia’s drug use. As Jackie can attest, hell hath no fury like Teresa Giudice on the defense and Libra stands no chance against a raging bull. Libra forms a square with Capricorn, a challenging angle that brings about tension and ire with the signs in question.
This is certainly the case for Libra Jackie and Capricorn Dolores Catania who routinely square off against one another. As Goldenschneider admits, “We have a love-hate relationship. We love each other, but we get under each other’s skin. And I know there are things about me that occur, and there are definitely things about her that hurt me. And when we get into a heated moment with each other, like, the friendship falls to the floor and we just really get in each other’s faces.” This square vibe is rough for reconciliation and blessed gold for reality television.
Traci Johnson
Born September 30, 1986, Traci is a Libra sun with a Leo moon. Opposites attract and both Traci’s husband Tiki and bestie Melissa Gorga are Aries, the sign opposite Libra on the zodiac wheel. Like Taurus, Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of love and beauty. Aesthetically inclined, Libras like Traci favor beautiful spaces, minimal warfare and graceful people.
Good luck this season, babe! A former model and advocate for Autism awareness, Traci exhibits the higher expressions of Venus. What makes Traci one to watch in terms of conflict is her Mars in Capricorn. The planet of war and will is exalted in the cardinal earth sign where action meets strategy, watch and see folks.
SCORPIO October 23 – November 21
Joe Benigno
Margaret Joseph’s husband Joe Benigno was born November 12, 1955 making him a shadow loving Scorpio. In terms of the physical body, Scorpio rules the bowels and reproductive organs, making plumber an absolutely apropos vocation for Benigno. Ever intrigued by power and the mechanics of power struggles, Scorpios like Benigno are attracted to, rather than intimidated by fierce, inflammatory women like Marg.
Scorpios are at home in the shadows and fine without the spotlight, a lovely compliment to a front and center personality like Margaret. Scorpions are also very much about a clandestine affair so it tracks that Marg and Jo met when he was working on her house, ahem cleaning her pipes, and fell in love while she was married to her first husband.
CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
Dolores Catania
Born December 28, 1970, Dolores Catania is a ride or die Capricorn. Chill til they’re not, Capricorns are symbolized by the goat, animals that never waver on their way to the top no matter the terrain. Ever on the up and up, Capricorns are bent on betterment be it self improvement or financial ascension. We see this expressed in Dolores’s full body makeover, ambitious home renovation and continued expansion of her fitness empire Powerhouse.
Beyond and within business, Capricorn’s invest in people, an ROI that has paid off handsomely in the form of ex-husband, professed soulmate and business partner Frank Catania. Leave it to a goat not to let divorce stand in the way of devotion or enterprise. Low key powerful, Dolores’s Capricorn nature is written all over her season 12 catchphrase, “I don’t start the drama, but I will stop the show.” When you’re right you’re right, Dolo.
Gia Giudice
Born January 8, 2001, Teresa and Joe Giudice’s fist born daughter Gia is an ambitious Capricron sun. Within the next generation of Jersey, Gia is the no bones, brass tax voice of reason. Capricorns are all about self control and Gia certainly demonstrated hers through her clear command of the fraught situation between herself and her uncle Joe Joe. By remaining calm and cool in her convictions, Gia upper handed the s**t out of her emotionally volatile uncle. Evidence of Capricorn propensity for the art of the hustle can be found in Gia’s parlance of the viral success of her sad girl song “Wake Up in the Morning” into a line of branded pastel apparel.
As her bonafide bop illustrates, Gia has had her fair share of hard knocks growing up, including but not limited to familial strife, public documentation of puberty, the death of her grandparents and the prison stints of both her mother and father. Luckily for our girl, life gets easier for sea goats as they age, things fall into place and they are at long last able to indulge in the kind of carefree lifestyle denied to them in their youth. Keep climbing, keep shining G.
AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
Milania Giudice
Born February 2, 2006 Milania Giudice is a rebel rousing space cowboy Aquarius. As a fixed sign, Aquarians are a touch immovable when it comes to their beliefs, opinions and hurts. Add to this that Milania has an infernal, middle finger to the world Aries moon and we can begin to understand why even Teresa seems to demure to this tiny warlord. As Milania says with the kind of authority typical of this fixed sign,“You’re not forcing me to do anything, so stop.” Big respect M, fight the good fight.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
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