WWE Royal Rumble Live Results: Follow Along with Bleeding Cool

Welcome to Bleeding Cool’s live blog of the 2023 Royal Rumble. We’ll be posting updates throughout the night, so keep checking back.

Country artist Hardy narrates the PLE opening, highlighting the matches for tonight. Michael Cole and Corey Graves kick off on commentary, but they’re surprised by Pat McAfee, which enraged Graves. Good!

Men’s Royal Rumble Match

And it looks like the men’s Rumble will kick off the show. And the first two entrants are Gunther and Sheamus. Sheamus has an ouroboros around his penis.

A few minutes of stiff wrestling later, The Miz enters at number three, and is apparently ranked fourth in total number of Rumble appearances. Miz starts off being cheap right away, but fails to eliminate Sheamus. Kofi Kingston is in at number four and cleans house for a bit. Johnny Gargano enters number five, and Sheamus and Gargano team up to eliminate The Miz.

Xavier Woods is number six and The New Day have the numbers advantage. They pretend to fight each other, but then smile and spank each others’ asses. Now that’s what I call wrestling!

Karrion Kross is out at number seven. I liked him better as a sex gladiator, honestly. Now the match enters the “kill time until someone comes in to clean house. It will be the first of many. Shorty G at number eight. Lots of people laying around the ring now.

Here comes Drew McIntyre at number nine. The Bang Bros are united! McIntyre eliminates Karrion Kross (good riddance) before having a slap fight with Gunther. Santos Escobar is out at number ten. Escobar hits a Phantom Driver off the ropes on Johnny Gargano. That was neat.

Angelo Dawkins is number eleven, and Gunther eliminates Xavier Woods. Gunther tosses Kingston, who maybe was supposed to land on a chair, but the chair fell over. Commentary plays it off like one foot is still on the chair. We’ll see. Brock Lesnar is number twelve, so get ready to say goodbye to some people.

Suplex for McIntyre. Suplex for Sheamus. Suplex for Angelo Dawkins. Santos Esobar tossed out. Dawkins tossed out. Short G tossed out. Suplex for McIntyre. Suplex for Sheamus. And now Lesnar is face to face with Gunther… but Bobby Lashley is out at number thirteen.

Spear for Lensar. Spear for Gargano. Spear for McIntyre. Spear for Sheamus. Slam for gunter. And Lashley eliminates Lesnar with a clothesline. Lesnar is in shock, but also appears impressed.

No, scratch that, it’s rage. Lesnar trashes the announce table and then intercepts Baron Corbin at fourteen. Corbin gets an F-5 on the outside. Lesnar takes out a reg and Adam Pearce comes out to scold him. Seth Rollins is number fifteen.

McAfee on Lesnar’s tantrum: “Everbody watching on The Cock… Peackcock knows…” Heh.

Rollins eliminates Corbin, and Otis out at number sixteen. Commentary has fat jokes. Rey Mysterio is out at number seventeen… or not. He’s nowhere to be found. Rollins eliminates Lashley.

Dominik Mysterio is out next, and he’s wearing his father’s mask, which he takes off and tries (but fails) to rip. While he’s working out his daddy issues, Sheamus and McIntyre eliminate Otis.

Elias is out at number nineteen, and he breaks a guitar on Gunther before getting double boots from the Bang Bros and tossed over the top. Finn Balor is out at number twenty as Pat McAfee struggles not to drop an Irish slur while describing him. He eventually lands on “weapon.” Balor and Mysterio eliminate Johnny Gargano.

Booker T is in at number twenty-one. He’s going to defeat everyone with his terrible podcast opinions! He’s in decent shape, too. Booker beats up Judgment Day and then does a Spinaroonie. Gunther promptly tosses him. Damian Preist is number twenty-two as Judgement Day gains a huge advantage.

At this point, I’m pretty sure Kofi is officially eliminated, and I think it was a botch. Too bad. Montez Ford is number twenty-three. He takes on Judgment Day on his own, but that ends with him Chokeslammed to the floor by Priest. He lands on his feet, which is actually the worst way to land in this case!

Edge is out at number twenty-four, and Judgment Day is beside themselves. Spear for Priest. Spear for Balor. 619 for– no, spear for Dominik. Priest tossed. Balor tossed. And Edge comes face-to-face with Seth Rollins. Edge tries to eliminate Mysterio, but Balor and Priest jump up on the apron and pull Edge out, eliminating him.

Austin Theory is out at number twenty-five, as Edge brawls with Judgment Day on the entrance way. Edge introduces Balor and Priest to the stage LED boards, but Rhea Ripley is out to attack Edge. Beth Phoenix is out to defend her man, and during all of this, presumably, nothing of note was going on in the ring. Omos is number twenty-six, and he struggles to make it to the ring before number twenty-seven.

He makes it in time to beat a few people up, and Braun Strowman is number twenty-eight. Strowman and Omos trade blows, and Strowman clotheslines Omos over the top rope. Ricochet is number twenty-nine. Everyone tries to eliminate each other but nobody is going out until number thirty gets here.

Check back for updates…

WWE Royal Rumble Full Card

The second-biggest wrestling event of the year is happening tonight, as the Royal Rumble emanates from the Alamodome in San Antonio, Texas. The Royal Rumble event traditionally marks the start of WrestleMania season, when storylines the company has been building all year reach their final act and prepare to culminate on the grandest stage of them all. This year, WWE is promising just five matches for the show: two Rumble matches, two title matches, and something called a Mtn Dew Pitch Black match.

In addition to the men’s and women’s Royal Rumble matches, in which 30 Superstars will compete to be the last man or woman standing and earn a title match at WrestleMania, we’ll also see Kevin Owens challenge Roman Reigns for the WWE Universal Championship and Alexa Bliss challenge Bianca Belair for the Raw Women’s Championship. Plus, Bray Wyatt and LA Knight will compete in the mysterious Mtn Dew Pitch Black. Read our interview with LA Knight here, and check out our predictions from earlier today here.

How to Watch

As with all of WWE’s “premium live events,” the Royal Rumble will stream on Peacock in the United States and on the WWE Network around the world. Viewers can tune in at 7PM Eastern, 4PM Pacific for the Kickoff Show, which will also stream on YouTube. The main show begins at 8PM Eastern, 5PM Pacific. If you’re in the US and don’t have a Peacock subscription, the streaming service is offering a full year for $29.99 with the promo code “NEWYEAR23,” so if you so desire, you could watch every WWE PLE this year for less than the cost of ordering the Royal Rumble back when it was only available on PPV. Plus, you get whatever the hell else is on Peacock. Not a bad deal!