There are certain things you should (almost definitely) discuss before marriage: health, debt, dreams and kids.
So, one woman assumed her sister had covered the basics with her fiancé before they’d got engaged. Not so.
‘My sister, 29, recently got engaged to “the love of her life.” I’ll call [him] Derek, 34,’ the woman wrote on Reddit.
‘The engagement was announced about three weeks ago, we were all obviously excited. Two weeks ago […] I was talking to Derek and at some point, my mind slipped and I said something along the lines of: “It’s great you found someone you love so much you would abandon having children.”
‘Sadly my sister had to fight a battle with ovarian cancer when she was 16-17 which resulted in the surgical removal of her ovaries and from what I understand part of her uterus.
‘Now I didn’t think much about my comment. BUT TURNS OUT SHE NEVER DISCUSSED THIS WITH HIM.’
Needless to say, poor Derek was pretty shocked.
‘It was like I dropped a nuclear bomb of information,’ the sister wrote. ‘He said now it made sense why she always avoided discussing about children.’
After the bombshell, the engagement ended and the couple separated. But somehow, the sister is getting the blame.
‘In the eyes of my sister and mother I’m the asshole who separated my sister from the love of her life,’ she wrote.
In the comments, people weighed in, with the overwhelming majority agreeing the bride-to-be should not have hidden such vital information from her partner. But some did question the poster’s sensitivity regarding how she brought up the topic of fertility.
‘Obviously your sister shouldn’t have lied and should be honest with him, so it’s her fault the engagement ended,’ one person said. ‘But also, what a shitty thing to say to someone. Like not having children is some huge burden and that your sister needed to do more to justify him marrying her because of her ovarian cancer.’
Another added: ‘This situation is fairly unbelievable. It is absolutely not okay to agree to marry somebody while hiding the fact that you can’t have kids.
‘If she had told Derek, he might have been okay with marrying her and adopting or using a surrogate. The reason their relationship ended isn’t because she can’t have kids, it’s because she didn’t tell him that and now he can’t trust her.’
If you’re in any doubt about what you need to discuss with a partner before getting married, a woman’s viral thread my help.
Saag Jaan, from California, was previously engaged at the age of 19, but it ended before the wedding. She shared 20 things every couple should discuss before marriage, and a lot of people seemed to agree:
DONT GET MARRIED BEFORE: Saag's thread in full
1. Talk about debt
2. Fully and willingly committing to one another. No “im not sure” and “what if’s” and “its not the right time.” You are either in or you’re OUT.
3. When/how many kids y’all want (adoption? are one of you infertile? etc.)
4. Talking about STDs. Get checked. Seek medical help/informed professional knowledge. Keep those tests up to date and find ways to do so even within the marriage.
5. Talk about your 5-10 year timeline regarding career/education. Can you move? Willingness to relocate?
6. Levels of religiosity. Openness to growth? Lack thereof? Do you share fundamental core beliefs about life? VERY important.
7. Anger managements issues: do one of you struggle? Are you in therapy for it/taking it out on others? Seek help, because it will destruct you and the future and the children….
8. Energy. Does it match? You decide. Follow your gut.
9. Clothing: it may seem like a small problem but small things eventually add up. Make sure your expectations match one another to full comfort.
10. Sexual compatibility. Not going to go into details, but y’all need to be on the same playing field. Consent wise, willingness to try things, traumas, etc… figure it out.
11. Finances: how do you intend on splitting bills? Gender roles? Taking the parents in during old age?
12. Age doesn’t matter too much. In my experience it’s about the person and what their world views are. If you are young, make sure the person you’re with will allow you to keep growing at your own pace and in your own way. It’s called respect.
13. Opposite gender boundaries. Set what’s okay. What’s not okay. Hugs/handshakes/etc. I know it sounds tribal and trust should be there, but you’d be surprised what people’s boundaries are. Better to know than not know.
14. Social media: believe it or not, people will break up over this. Some prefer privacy. Some not. Get on the same page or you’ll be clowning on one another.
15. I mentioned this before, but savings. How much do y’all have earned and combined? How much is your intended salaries? Is it sustainable? Apartment? House? Condos? Etc. Speak futuristically if it’s not something you can afford right now. Get on the same page.
16. What is cheating? Entanglements? Define your breaks? Breakups? Etc.
17. Physical and verbal abuse: what is and isn’t considered abusive language and decorum? Seek help, please. Professionals can always step in.
18. What are your dying wishes? Burial proceedings? What if one of you becomes paralyzed? God parents? Uncertain events? Death? Speak it. Speak on all of it.
19. Importantly, LOVE is not what keeps relationships going. An active commitment to LOVE, despite the downfalls, keeps it going. Get out the princess-king happily ever after mindset and you’ll be fine.
20. I want everyone to notice how I failed to mention level of education, family or tribal background, ethnicity, job level, and all. It’s because none of this matters in the long run. Trust. you ain’t a good person based off superficial attributes.
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