Why recognising the orgasm gap early on could be the key to ending it

We know what you’re thinking: women are the ones that pulled the short straw when it comes to sexual pleasure – and you’d be correct.

Cara Delevingne’s Planet Sex documentary was a bold exploration of issues surrounding female pleasure, most specifically the orgasm gap.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found there was a strong link between how masculine men said they would feel after a sexual encounter where a woman orgasmed, and with their sense of achievement and sexual self-esteem.

The Sexual Education Forum surveyed pupils in schools and found that nearly half had learned nothing about sexual pleasure. What’s more, porn spreads misinformation in dangerous ways.

Research conducted in 2020 found that of the children and young adults surveyed, 63% had watched porn for one or more of four specific reasons: to get ideas for new things to try sexually, to learn about sex, to learn how to get better at sex and to learn what people expected from them sexually.

In addition, 41% of the children who were aware of pornography agreed that watching porn makes people less respectful of the opposite sex, while girls watched porn to learn to how meet a boy’s expectations.

It seems that the key to closing the orgasm gap, could be if we all – men and women – recognise and understand it.

So how do we include everyone in the conversation? We spoke to clinical sexologist and therapist Ness Cooper, who shared her thoughts.

Understanding ‘the pleasure system’

Ness says that men need to learn about the female anatomy as a ‘pleasure system.’

She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Starting education early on around human sexuality can be helpful in bridging the orgasm gap, particularly teaching about the genitals, clitoris, vulva, vagina, to all genders, including men, is important.

‘In the past sex education has had a focus on female anatomy as being a
birth system rather than looking at the possibilities of it as a pleasure system.’

Emotion influences sexual pleasure

Ness says it’s also important to learn about the emotional aspect of sexual pleasure.

She says: ‘It’s important to not just focus on anatomy of the sex organs as a medical model when teaching about it, and also explain the emotional motivations as to why a woman may enjoy certain pleasure and stimulation.

‘While the body can respond to physical stimulation of, let’s say, the clitoris, often it’s the mental processes that help make it more enjoyable.

‘Understanding that these responses aren’t just physical or mental, but they work together, can be helpful and beneficial, as often many aren’t even taught about the mental and emotional influences they experience during their own motivation and enjoyment or sexual pleasure.

‘Men who struggle with giving women sexual pleasure may need to learn not only techniques around stimulating the vulva and vagina, but may benefit from
psychoeducation around the emotions behind why something is pleasurable
to some people, and in the past this has been lacking in sex education.

‘When including men, don’t just focus on the technical and rational – but also include the relational.’

More female only sex-spaces

While it’s imperative we include men conversations, women need their safe space to explore without intrusions from men and vice versa.

‘There are loads of men-only sex spaces out there, and they are advertised more easily than female only spaces,’ says Ness.

‘This isn’t about excluding men but offering places that women are doing
their own thing.

‘Many enjoying these spaces may have partners, or attend spaces that include cis-men and non-binary individuals at times too.

‘Having a specific type of club, let’s say for women only, can also help individuals set boundaries that fit with their erotic or sexual orientation as some of these boundaries at these clubs may already be in place and align with theirs.

‘Specific gendered or sexual or erotic orientation clubs can also allow individuals to explore in a safe space that isn’t triggering.

‘This can be particularly helpful to those who have trauma from past experiences
as they may find it can be triggered in particular settings.’

Open communication

And, as with so many issues in relationships, Ness says that – regardless of gender – couples need open communication.

Ness says: ‘All sexual partners should be able to discuss what their sexual spark is but also allow for their partner to talk about what drives their sexual spark too. It allows each individual to explore things consensually together.’

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