‘You like that, baby? Yeah, just like that.’
Around a decade ago, I was having sex with a man when he uttered these words, leaving me stumped – and struggling to stifle a laugh.
It was my first-ever encounter with any form of dirty talk but it wasn’t necessarily the words themselves that surprised me.
It was the way he said it – in a strange, whispering tone, seemingly trying to ‘be sexy’.
If you’ve read my other columns, you know I’m never one to kink-shame. But it was painfully obvious to me that my lover had lifted this line from some very bad porn movie that he’d watched.
I honestly found it funny but didn’t quite know how to respond, so I let out a moan and that was that.
Now older, wiser and more sexually experienced, I firmly believe that dirty talk can be a great way to elevate your sexual experiences – if you’re brave enough to try.
So many of us will hear things during sex like ‘daddy’ or ‘it’s so tight’.
I didn’t choose these words at random; a study of 5,000 people in Australia showed these are some of the most popular phrases women like to hear used in the bedroom.
While it may be enjoyable, it’s not the easiest kink to navigate, often because it’s tied to embarrassment and shame.
‘I like dirty talk, though mine is very “vanilla”. But I feel really awkward afterwards because of the things my boyfriend and I say, even though I enjoy it,’ one friend told me.
Her feelings are understandable and if they resonate with you too, it’s important to remember that we become different people in the bedroom.
It’s OK even if, as a proud feminist, you want your partner to call you a ‘filthy s**t’ or, as a body positive person, ask them to humiliate your penis size because it turns you on – it doesn’t reflect who you are in real life.
Being rude and filthy during sex can be incredibly hot, so long as your partner consents to it.
Personally, I can relate to my friend’s concerns.
It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I began to enjoy it and it was, like so much about sex I learned, only because I was with a long-term partner who made me feel comfortable and was open to experimenting.
I won’t divulge my favourite phrases (even a sex columnist deserves their privacy) but I will tell you that dirty talk has at times improved my sex life and even sped up orgasms.
Being rude and filthy during sex can be incredibly hot, so long as your partner consents to it
For me, it’s not about having a full-on conversation during sex but rather using a few well-thought-out phrases, perhaps a command or request (like ‘do me from behind’).
But everyone is different and there’s no right or wrong way.
To get a different perspective, I asked a man for his views.
‘I like women telling me what to do to them or what they want to do to me. I also like sexting when you’re apart because it increases anticipation and desire,’ he said.
This is a great point; dirty talk doesn’t always happen in person.
For a few months, I dated a man who lived on the other side of the country. We used to send each other ‘stories’ that would build the tension until we were able to meet.
Technology makes it easier for us to be ourselves.
Typing out what you want to do to your partner seems less embarrassing than saying it to their face.
Word of warning though – choose your words carefully or risk killing the mood.
Like the time I slept with a man who blurted out ‘I love you, baby’.
That’s a lovely thing to hear… unless it’s the first time you’re having sex, which it was.
I ignored it and just carried on, knowing that he probably didn’t mean it. We didn’t discuss it afterwards and I’m not even sure if he consciously knew what he’d said.
If you’ve never tried but want to give it a go, I have one key piece of advice: go with the flow. Avoid overthinking what to say or how to say it – that’s not the important part.
Like so many aspects of sex, sometimes it’s better to let the moment take over and see where your mind and body takes you.
Being open about your fantasies before engaging is also sometimes easier because it gives both parties a starting point to work from, and could give you an inkling of what type of dirty talk they like.
What you say doesn’t actually have to be outright filth. It can be simple role playing as well.
Respect boundaries, though. This isn’t a one-way street and your words can have a big impact on the other person involved.
And if it’s not for you, that’s fine too. Wordless grunting and moaning can be just as fun.
But as always, communication is crucial – let’s talk about sex, baby.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
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