The fourth trimester is just as important as the first three – if not more

And finally, the third, where I started to feel heavy and uncomfortable and excited-bordering-on-frustration at the idea of finally meeting my baby. 

My husband Tom and I stockpiled nappies and baby wipes and admired the teeny-tiny baby-grows and vests, wondering if our little boy (yes, we couldn’t keep it a surprise) would really be that small.

So when I fell pregnant with Immy, our little girl, I thought I was in the know – until my best friend casually dropped into conversation about how important the fourth trimester was. 

At first, I thought I’d misheard. I mean surely, by its very name, you couldn’t have a fourth trimester?

But a quick search of the internet and I realised that my friend was right, there was a fourth trimester. 

It’s a theory put forward by paediatrician Dr Harvey Karp, who suggests that even full-term babies are born ‘too soon’ and encourages new parents to think of their babies as ‘foetuses outside of the womb’ for the first 12 weeks of their lives.

He advises that both parents and babies take this time slowly, and that babies – who are likely to cry more during the fourth trimester more than any point in their life – may need a lot of comforting throughout this stage, which new parents shouldn’t be scared of giving them.

He recommends the five S’s – swaddling, shushing, swing, suck and soothe them on their stomach or side.  

Not only does it give the baby time to adjust to a new world of lights and sounds that are completely alien to them, it also gives new parents time to adjust to their new roles, and get to know their baby.

As I read that last line, I was immediately transported back to the early days of having Theo. 

We’d had Tom’s parents over for the day when Theo was just a few days old and a couple of our best friends had arrived just as my in-laws left. Usually, it would be my favourite type of day; friends and family coming and going, dishing out snacks, pouring drinks.

But, even though no-one let me leave the sofa, I remember feeling completely overwhelmed. 

Theo wouldn’t stop crying and I was completely distracted. ‘I think he needs a poo,’ I hissed to Tom. ‘He hasn’t had one since yesterday.’ 

I tried walking with him, winding him, circling his legs, giving him more milk. Nothing helped.

I was beside myself – I tried to concentrate on holding a conversation with my friends but all I could think about was how I was the worst mum ever, who couldn’t even work out what was wrong with her baby, let alone make it better.

Looking back now, I can’t understand why I didn’t just explain how I was feeling and ask my friends if we could catch up another time.

My new knowledge of the fourth trimester has also changed the way that I approach friends who’ve just had babies

But I don’t think I’d realised the enormity of what having a baby meant yet. That even having friends come over to our flat – something I’d have relished any other time – was just too much.

Physically, I was still recovering from my c-section, but emotionally, I hadn’t even begun to come to terms with how my life had changed. 

So with Immy, I decided to approach the days and weeks following giving birth totally differently. 

I wouldn’t feel guilty for staying indoors for the whole day. So rather than booking into a whole load of baby classes by the time my baby was 10 weeks old, the way I did with Theo, I stayed home and concentrated on getting to know my gorgeous little girl.

The relief was enormous – I had gone through a huge life change and giving myself the space to adjust to that felt incredible.

Plus, I’m sure it was a far easier process for her, adjusting to life outside of me. I remember one day, she slept for 22 hours, just waking dozily for a few minutes at a time, before nodding back off. Of course, I panicked about that at the time, but now I’m sure it was because she was so relaxed and I’d allowed her to do what her body needed.

By the time 12 weeks had passed, I felt far more comfortable and confident to leave the house with her.

Since then, my new knowledge of the fourth trimester has also changed the way that I approach friends who’ve just had babies. I’ll go, armed with an evening meal for them, and enjoy cuddles with their little one (if offered), then head off after an hour. It’s not about being rude, or indicating I’m not interested. 

I know the most important thing is for them not to feel swamped by visitors or like they need to ‘host’ – it’s to have time.

So please, to all new, or expectant, parents, please pay attention to the fourth trimester as much as the other three – it’s probably the most important one.