The Big Happiness Interview: How to create a happy, loving relationship

‘A majority (80%) of relationships fail and we’re on a mission to get the world radically loved up,’ says life coach Rohini Emanuelsson, who runs wellness and relationship retreats with her husband Karl.

Using dynamic coaching, breathwork and yoga, and the Wim Hof ice bath methods in their retreats, they offer ‘radical immersive intervention for those who are serious about making a genuine, meaningful change to their lives and relationships’.

They believe that relationships are in crisis because of the disposable nature of how we view them.

‘Social media and society give us an unreasonable and false view of what relationships are,’ Rohini says. ‘They peddle the idea of finding “the one”, but as soon as there is sign of any trouble we ‘dispose’ of them (like we dispose clothes/appliances) to find a new model. 

‘Guess what? The same pattern will follow you if you’re not prepared to do the inner work to grow and heal. 

‘We believe your relationships are a catalyst for your growth.’

Energetic and passionate, with a marriage of 20 years and three young sons, Rohini and Karl are a living, breathing example of what happens if you do the work.

Here we talk to Rohini about how to be happy in your relationship:

Why are relationships so important to our happiness?

Ultimately, all your relationships are a reflection of the relationship with yourself.

That’s why it is so important to get to know yourself and fall radically in love with yourself.

If you want to be happy and create a happy, loving relationship, your first priority is to focus on creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

How do you start building a healthy, romantic relationship?

Look at your ‘relationship software’ that’s running in the background. Start by looking at your parents’ relationship and look to see if you’re replaying those patterns.

Ask questions: What was my parents’ relationship like? If this was the first model of a romantic relationship – what did I learn? Did you crave love more from your mother or father? What did you really need to hear in your childhood but didn’t? Which parent rejected you? What coping mechanisms did you learn to soothe yourself?

This will help you identify beliefs and patterns. Self-awareness is key.

Ultimately, all your relationships are a reflection of the relationship with yourself

My relationship software was very faulty. My parents did not have a great marriage, but they made it work for financial reasons. But my father had an affair with my mum’s best friend and ended up taking his life by suicide and left the family in financial ruin.

You don’t have to be a psychotherapist to guess that I decided to become invulnerable, swore that I would never trust a man and vowed I would always take care of myself financially.

It wasn’t until I started to notice the ‘inner software’ I had running that I could make changes and build a happy relationship with my husband Karl.

The first big step is to observe and be self-aware about your own patterns. If there’s a hole within, you look to relationships to make you feel whole.

How do you find your way back to each other if you’re drifting apart?

When I start working with a couple, I ask them two questions. First, do you love this human being in front of you? I get them to tune into their heart and ask – ‘Is this the man or woman for you?’ I just want a simple, quick, intuitive answer.

Secondly, I ask ‘are you willing to do the work to make this relationship your number one priority?’ Because there’s no magic, there’s no unicorns, there’s no magic dust. You have to do the work on yourself and also invest in the relationship.

If I get a yes to both of those questions from both the partners, then I’m absolutely delighted to work with them.

Once you become aware of your relationship beliefs and patterns, then what do you do?

Some couples have been in negative patterns for decades. I challenge them to try something different. The definition of madness is keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I ask them to agree to a timeframe – it can be one month, two months or three months and for that period of time I ask the couple to make their partner feel like they are the number one priority.

For example, let’s say your partner has just got home and you can see they are perturbed, or they’ve had difficult time at work or with the kids, you put everything aside and give them your full attention, so they feel important, significant, supported.

What if you struggle?

It starts with taking full responsibility. It’s radical accountability.

It’s very easy to go into blaming each other ‘he did this, they said that.’ I’ve been working with couples for a long time and some people really struggle to let things go.

Stop accusing the other person about old stuff from the past and take ownership of your own feelings. Own the part you play. Take responsibility for your own feelings.

Start with communicating clearly, using ’I’ messages: ‘I feel this..’ and ‘I feel that…’

But won’t that just cause arguments?

There’s nothing wrong with arguing as long as you learn how to argue well.

Find out more about Radical Loving Couples retreats and coaching through their website.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

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