The 2023 Golden Globes should have never come back — they were miserable

The 80th Golden Globe Awards aired Tuesday night.

Now let’s 86 ’em.

The awards show made an unbearably awkward comeback after not airing on NBC last year due to a diversity scandal — and don’t you forget it! The uptight return was a brutally uncomfortable three hours in which the celeb crowd was as sober as a third-grade hall monitor and petrified of having even a second of fun. 

God forbid they put on an enjoyable ceremony for a rapidly dwindling audience.

Why on earth would we at home want to put up with such drudgery again? Fun is the sole reason the Globes exist. The Oscars class things up (well, except Will Smith) and the Globes crass things up. Past hosts Ricky Gervais and Amy Poehler and Tina Fey used to play with fire as they eviscerated Hollywood with their vicious barbs. 

Instead, for 2023, the slog was mournful, zombie-like and banished to a Tuesday.

Annoyed viewers who picked the Globes over “The Rookie” on CBS watched as host Jerrod Carmichael lethargically took aim at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for its controversial past — “One minute, I’m making tea at home, the next I’m invited to be the black face of an embattled white organization,” he said to near silence. Then he made a clumsy about-face and concluded that the entertainment industry nonetheless “deserves” to be celebrated. 

How very Hollywood to continuously, self-righteously condemn the organization whose trophies you’re giddily clutching because it helps your bottom line. Thank you so much for this incredible honor, you deplorable racists!

Here are some of the wins, even though they don’t matter anymore.

Best motion picture – drama went to Steven Spielberg’s acclaimed “The Fabelmans,” while motion picture – comedy or musical was won by “The Banshees of Inisherin,” which had been behind in the race. HBO’s “House of the Dragon” was named best TV show – drama and ABC’s “Abbott Elementary,” best TV show – comedy or musical.

Angela Bassett getting the supporting actress in a motion picture prize for “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” over Jamie Lee Curtis in “Everything Everywhere All At Once” was a shocker that won’t change her Oscar chances. But predicted favorites still abounded: Michele Yeoh and co-star Ke Huy Quan winning for “Everything Everywhere,” Cate Blanchett taking home actress – drama for “Tár,”  Austin Butler hoisting actor in a comedy or musical for “Elvis,” Colin Farrell snagging actor in a drama for “The Banshees of Inisherin” and Spielberg taking home best director for “The Fabelmans” were all widely expected.

But honestly who cares? Sapped of joy, brashness, zingers and a wild party atmosphere, the Globes gave no compelling reason to continue to be a live telecast rather than an email newsletter. Yes, Quan, Spielberg and Jennifer Coolidge’s speeches were wonderful, but you’ll likely get to hear them again at the Oscars and Emmys anyway.

Carmichael, an otherwise talented comedian, was a horrible host. His opening monologue about being offered a gig nobody in Hollywood wanted went on for an eternity and established a sleepy and lecturing tone that the show couldn’t shake. Embarrassingly, NBC wouldn’t splurge for a band, so a piano player named Chloe Flower banged out moody theme songs on a Steinway. The affair felt like a Beverly Hills wake.

And the dolled-up corpse? The Golden Globe Awards. Like my lease, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association only has a one-year contract with NBC. If they keep up this buzzkill behavior, there’s no need to renew.