Sex toys at the bookstore? Female self-pleasure has gone mainstream — and some entrepreneurs are hitting the jackpot

A few months ago, Lena received an unexpected email in her inbox. It was newsletter from Indigo promoting its Valentine’s Day sale. Up to 20 per cent off scented candles, 35 per cent off select romance novels, 25 per cent off … sex toys? “I was surprised because I would receive personalized emails [from Indigo] with products for kids,” she says. “It was interesting to see vibrators offered by the same retailer.”

Indigo, Sephora, Ssense, The Bay — not exactly the kind of stores one might associate with vibes and lube, yet all four now sell exactly that. Often, you’ll find these things filed under a “Self-Care” or “Wellness” tab, evidence of the massive rebranding sexual pleasure — in particular female sexual pleasure — has undergone in recent years.

When Alexandra Fine was starting out her business, she remembers getting back an application she’d submitted to an accelerator program with the words “Is this a joke?” scrawled across it. “It was really short-sighted and it was hurtful,” she says of the reaction.

Short-sighted indeed. Her company, Dame, would go on to pioneer the sexual wellness market, one that’s far from a joke, raking in $77 billion (U.S.) globally in 2021 and projected to reach $112 billion (U.S.) by 2030.

At the time she wrote that application, nearly a decade ago, Fine, a sexologist, and her MIT engineer cofounder were developing their first product, an innovative hands-free vibrator called Eva. It was designed to help close the pleasure gap — the disparity in orgasms between the sexes. One oft-cited study had found that while 91 per cent of men regularly reached climax during sex, the same was true for only 39 per cent of women. Dame sought to change that by providing the clitoral stimulation many women need to orgasm during partnered sex.

Kickstarter originally refused to let the company on its website. But Fine, unrelenting, managed to convince the crowdfunding platform to change its policy. The same would happen with numerous institutions and investment funds and, eventually, mass retailers, but that would take a bit more time. More importantly, it would require a major shift in attitudes around female sexuality, not just from the stores themselves, but from the women who shopped in them.

“I think a lot of times when women are having sex or even alone masturbating, it’s kind of like they’re in a room with all these people — all their history’s in there with them, too,” says Kat Kova, a registered psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy. “It could be a parent who said that’s wrong or their church congregation or someone who said masturbation is not for women or pleasure is not for women. Not just people they know, but the wider society.”

To help her patients shed this kind of internalized shame, Kova will often recommend books for them to read about reclaiming one’s sexuality. Then, she might encourage them to explore pleasure on their own terms. “It starts with masturbation first, learning about your body and then maybe applying it to a partner context, if you want a partner.”

The benefits of this sort of work extend to nearly every sphere of one’s life, says Kova. Studies have shown sexual pleasure, including the solo kind, can relieve stress, promote feelings of happiness and improve sleep, self-esteem and even heart health. So it’s about time, she says, that sex toys be considered wellness aids. And if in turn that helps alleviate shame around them, even better.

April Bailey* is serious when it comes to self-care. She works out regularly and makes sure to get outside every day. She sprinkles supplements in her smoothie (greens, pre- and probiotics) and powers off screens in the evenings, ending her days with a good book instead. It helps her stay grounded and stave off anxiety, she says.

Another important part of her routine does not take place on her yoga mat or in her kitchen. It pertains to the bedroom and no, she does not mean sleep — though she does make sure to get a full eight hours every night. “I believe self-pleasure is a form of wellness,” she says. “It allows me to reduce my stress and connect with my body. And also, to have some fun.”

Bailey began her journey with self-pleasure a few years ago after separating from her husband, a man she’d been with since her teens. “I found myself alone for the first time in my adult life,” she says. The timing felt right. Not only was she in a period of “rediscovering herself as an individual,” but the sex toy space had drastically changed in a way that made her comfortable enough to dabble in it. “I don’t think I would have purchased a device if it hadn’t been something sleek like the Dame products,” she says. “I think they look less intimidating and just more appealing to the female eye than traditional products.”

It used to be that most sex toys designed for women were garishly coloured or overtly phallic or inspired by the animal kingdom (dolphins, rabbits, you name it). The products that dominate the sexual wellness market are decidedly more minimal. Think muted tones and organic shapes. At first glance, you might not even realize they’re sex toys.

“When you look at our devices, they look like rocks,” says Éva Goicochea, who jokes that her company Maude “birthed an era of grey vibes.” The innocuous esthetic was very much intentional. Growing up, Goicochea says self-pleasure wasn’t something that was openly talked about. “I perceived it as something connected so much to devices, and those devices were so explicit that it felt like it wasn’t a normalized conversation.”

By contrast, Maude’s devices are meant to be disarmingly neutral — both in colour and connotation. The brand’s mission was to redefine the sector so that sexual wellness could sit where it should have always been, says Goicochea, without stigma next to all other parts of personal care. “We’re watching the shift happen in real time.”

Indeed we are. Just a few years ago, if one was in the market for a sex toy, that usually required a visit to an adult store, something some consumers might not have felt comfortable with. Now, you can just add one to your order while restocking on skin care or simply pop into your local Indigo. “Putting vibrators on our shelves next to everyday products like cookware, pyjamas and books helps de-stigmatize them, showing that they’re part of a healthy and well-rounded lifestyle,” says Katharine Poulter, chief commercial officer for Indigo.

Jane Nugent, senior vice president of merchandising at Sephora Canada, echoes the sentiment, stating that while sex toys and adjacent products may have been viewed as “taboo” in the past, the retailer’s goal was “to change the way in which intimate care and pleasure had been presented and treated and to bring a modern and empowered view to the category.” The response from shoppers has been “tremendous,” she says, pointing to consistently high click-through rates.

It’s worth noting that a lot of these newer, slickly designed devices don’t come cheap, with many retailing for over $100. One could make an argument that the industry is really just commodifying female pleasure. Slapping a pink tax on sex toys in the name of self-care.

“You don’t need some device made by NASA or something,” jokes Kat Kova. “People can start with very affordable toys or just their own hand.” Besides, if you do want to invest in something more high-end, you want to make sure to first find out what kind of sensation you like so you don’t end up wasting your money, advises the expert.

Still, she contends, having sexual devices readily available in mainstream retail spaces that predominantly cater to women is not without significance.

In the wake of repeated mass shootings in the U.S. in recent years, many gun control advocates have pointed out that Texas has stricter laws around sex toys than it does around firearms. For example, there is no limit to the number of guns one can own in the Lone Star State, but having more than six dildos is illegal.

Sen. Ted Cruz proudly defended this statute back in 2004, after a former school teacher and mother of three was arrested for selling vibrators to women in her community (the case was eventually dismissed but the law remains in place). In a 76-page brief extolling the merits of the legislation, Cruz asserted that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

Alabama also prohibits the sale of sex toys and in many countries, including Saudi Arabia, India, Thailand and Vietnam, owning a vibrator is a punishable offence.

“A huge, huge part of equality is the right to pleasure,” says Kova. “And with masturbation, that message is so potent. We really need to continue to be vocal and to fight for the right to equal pleasure.”

*name has been changed

Shop the story: A sampling of the best in sexual wellness accessories

Dame’s first-ever product remains a bestseller today. The innovative hands-free vibrator stays in place during partnered play, providing clitoral stimulation without getting in the way.

Fittingly named “Spot,” this smooth, curved vibrator is designed for internal stimulation. It toggles between five speeds with the push of a button, can be used in the bath or shower and runs for a full two hours.

While known for its skin care, Toronto brand Province Apothecary also makes an all-natural lubricant safe to use all over. Its oil base not only makes it wonderfully luscious and hydrating, but also gives it phenomenal staying power so you don’t need to interrupt the fun to reapply.

Its reputation precedes it! Womanizer’s now cult-favourite toy utilizes titillating air pressure to gently massage the clitoris without actually touching it, so it doesn’t get overstimulated. Lily Allen even raved about it her memoir.

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Katherine Lalancette is the beauty and lifestyle director of The Kit. She writes about beauty and trends. Reach her on email at [email protected] or follow her on Twitter: @kik_tweets

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