Opinion | There’s something fishy about Pusha T’s new diss track of the Filet-O-Fish

Begun, the fish sandwich wars have.

Apologies to Yoda. But it seems Pusha T has a beef with McDonald’s. So now two great cultural forces — the rap diss track and fast food competition — have exploded in a tartar supernova of Filet-O-Fish hate that, despite the real problems in the world, generated headlines on Tuesday such as: “Rapper Pusha T Slams McDonald’s In ‘The First-Ever Fish Sandwich Diss Track Ever.’”

I see no reason to challenge this redundant use of “ever.” Historically, I can find no evidence of a previous fish sandwich battle. It’s entirely possible Ice Cube harbours visceral disdain for Long John Silver’s Wild Alaska Pollock Sandwich. But he never trashed it on the mic. Chuck D never got worked up over breaded tilapia on a bun.

But this Pusha T fellow? He has some real Filet-O-Fish anger issues.

Or at least, he’s pretending to in a new ad for Arby’s titled, “Spicy Fish Diss Track.” The one-minute spot, a pastiche of stock footage, including creepy clowns, a fishing vessel sinking in the chop and grizzly bear grabbing a jumping salmon, is wilfully lo-fi in its visuals to amplify Mr. T’s — not that Mr. T — rhyming disdain for the Filet-O-Fish:

“I’m the reason / The whole world love it / Now I gotta crush it / Filet-O-Fish is s- — t / And you should be disgusted / How dare you sell a square fish / Asking us to trust it / A half-slice of cheese / Mickey D’s on a budget?”

Alrighty. What’s curious about this empty calorie diss is that the product placement for Arby’s two seafood sandwiches also reveal square fish patties. I’m just saying, Pusha T. If geometry is a gustatory metric, you screwed up. And I don’t see any cheese on the Arby’s sandwiches. Pusha T, brother, if you want to slam the Filet-O-Fish, ensure the alleged superior product from a competitor is not suspiciously similar or possibly even inferior. If Pottery Barn hired you to diss Ikea, would you accidentally telegraph the affordable utility of a Billy bookcase? You would not.

Personally, I think Pusha T is still lovin’ McDonald’s. I bet if forensic investigators went to his house, they’d detect residual Big Mac and McNuggets grime all over the place. There is microscopic evidence of Sausage McMuffin on your silk pillowcase. There is Chicken & Bacon McWrap particles on the bathroom vanity. Your pool stinks of Mickey D fries.

Sir, why is your dog eating a McChicken?

This “diss track” has nothing to do with Filet-O-Fish. It’s all about Pusha’s allegation he wrote McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” jingle two decades ago and was not properly compensated. I can neither confirm nor deny this. But others have disputed it.

Still, as Pusha insisted to Rolling Stone this week: “I am solely responsible for the ‘I’m Lovin‘ It’ swag and the jingle of that company. That’s just real. I am the reason. Now I gotta crush it. I did it at a very young age at a very young time in my career where I wasn’t asking for as much money and ownership. It’s something that’s always dug at me later in life like, ‘Dammit, I was a part of this and I should have more stake.’”

I can’t decide if Pusha is telling the truth or, in six months, if he’ll be claiming he came up with Nike’s “Just Do It.” But the last thing the world needs now is fish sandwich wars. We still haven’t settled the chicken sandwich wars. If rappers want to keep dissing one another — you don’t find this hostility in classical music — then at least have the decency to not extend character assassination to fast food menu items. I really don’t care if 50 Cent has had it up to here with KFC’s “10-Piece Bucket.” Jay-Z needs to refrain from condemning Taco Bell’s Beef Chalupa Supreme. I don’t want to hear Drake trashing Burger King, though if he takes a run at Tim Hortons, I will cheer him on.

The weirdest part about Pusha T’s anti-Filet-O-Fish ad for Arby’s is that I’m suddenly craving one. And I’ve never eaten a Filet-O-Fish. So now I’m questioning this corporate gambit and rapper’s mercenary thesis: “A little cube of fish from a clown is basic.”

Is it? I might buy one of these little cubes of square clown fish tonight just to sort out the fuss. This is the law of unintended consequences. For example, Russian state TV on Tuesday condemned Arnold Schwarzenegger for his brilliant anti-war video that called out Kremlin propaganda. But all Russian state TV achieved was to draw attention to Schwarzenegger’s message. So now Russians, who’ve been force-fed a steady diet of official lies for two decades, may be wondering what Schwarzenegger had to say about the illegal invasion of Ukraine. The cognitive dissonance will be deliciously epic.

The world feels like it is spinning toward a point of no return.

The least hip hop and fast food can do is not add to the pointless conflicts.

Pusha T wants to exact vengeance on McDonald’s. Fine. But his flow on this track is weak. His heart’s not in it. This Arby’s ad has only managed to make the rest of us dream of a day we can all eat our fish sandwiches in peace and harmony.