Opinion | The Oscars are looking for a host and my suggestions include Zendaya, Joe Rogan, Alexa, Dave Chappelle and Dr. Anthony Fauci

It’s heartbreaking to know I could get more clicks today by writing about dust bunnies.

Seriously, more people would read a column about dust bunnies than the Academy Awards. It’s weird. A decade ago, if someone told me there would be a pandemic and lockdowns, I would have predicted a ratings bonanza for all awards shows. And I would be dead wrong.

As it turns out, even during a contagion and forced isolation, most people would rather stare at their walls than tune in to a glitzy snoozefest. I have friends who’d prefer a root canal without anesthesia as performed by circus clowns to 15 minutes of the Emmys or Grammys.

Milk deliverymen and cobblers have better career prospects than those now toiling in the awards industry. Show of hands: Who knew the Golden Globes were handed out on Sunday? Exactly. That’s because this event was missing a few things, you know, celebrities, presenters, a red carpet and broadcaster. An awards show not on television is like a spa retreat for otters: it makes no sense. The Globes are now as culturally relevant as the back catalogue of Hootie and the Blowfish.

Despite hosting the world’s biggest award show, I suspect the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences realizes it too is in the midst of an existential crisis. Last year’s snoozefest, which had the vibe of dinner theatre as masterminded by woke middle schoolers, was the lowest rated in history. If you had a magic wand and turned Oscar into a real person, even he wouldn’t have watched. I have seen plumbing tutorials on YouTube that were more electrifying.

So it’s no surprise the Academy is going back to the past to save its future. This year’s broadcast is scheduled for March 27, pending any Omicron or Deltacron snafus. And for the first time in four years, there will be a host.

Now the question becomes: Who?

No pressure, but this is the most monumental decision in Academy history.

They can’t just dust off Billy Crystal and hope a musical montage to the Best Picture nominees will bring in 55 million viewers. That’s why I respectfully disagree with the great Judd Apatow, who this week lobbied for Steve Martin and Martin Short to preside over the festivities. This is inside baseball myopia. You might as well roll the dice with David Letterman.

No, if the Academy truly wants to revitalize, it needs to think outside of the old Hollywood box.

Who should host the Oscars this year? Here are my suggestions.

Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington: If you ever listened to their old radio show on London’s XFM — or the podcasts and audio books that followed — you know these three scalawags were blessed with a comedic chemistry rarely seen in pop culture. Plus, Gervais has hosted the Golden Globes five times. He’s the best ever. Merchant is the most underrated screenwriter alive. And Pilkington is the funniest person you’ve never heard of. Just imagining what they might bring to the Oscars already has me setting my PVR.

Dave Chappelle: This will enrage the Twitter mobs, which is why it’s a brilliant choice.

Joe Rogan: The host needs to deliver a memorable monologue and then riff as events unfold throughout the night? Gosh, why not give this job to a standup comic and the world’s most popular podcaster, a fellow who can shoot the breeze about everything from UFOs to quantum entanglement theory? “The Joe Rogan Experience” attracts more viewers/listeners per episode than the Academy can realistically expect to corral in a decade. This is a no-brainer.

Zendaya: There are stories this week about why Tom Holland should host the Oscars. At the risk of alienating my daughters, who adore him, I have to say this would be a terrible idea. Holland has the presence and charisma of a three-toed sloth. Give the gig to his girlfriend, Zendaya, who crackles with charm and creativity and sheer exuberance.

Alexa: Just hear me out. In a marketing partnership that ensures its survival until 2040, the Academy signs a blockbuster deal with Amazon. A giant Echo is built and rolled onto the stage in March. A team of writers craft the jokes it will robotically deliver. As a bonus, the swag bags are supplied by Amazon Prime. People, do I have to think of everything?

Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian: Let’s face facts, Millennials and Gen Z don’t give an avocado toast about the Oscars. But they might if new lovers Pete “BDE” Davidson and Kim K were hosting. He has the comedy chops. And you know what? So does she. These two are catnip to the tabloid press. They could come out in thongs and SKIMS, making out for 10 minutes, and ratings records for the Oscars would be shattered, especially after Ye phones in a bomb threat.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I told you. The goal should be to think outside of the box. And this would be the perfect Oscars host for 2022. Dr. Fauci saunters onstage in a tux, gloves and double-masked. He makes some lame jokes about “Dune” and “No Time to Die.” Then he goes off script and unloads on the anti-vaxxers whose recalcitrant ignorance has extended the pandemic for all of us. He roasts Rand Paul. He turns Best Original Score into a soaring oration on Virology 101. He says we should name a future mutation after Ivanka Trump. Ratings gold.

Bill Burr: Go with the best, Academy. When in doubt, go with the best.