Opinion | People magazine got it wrong with Paul Rudd. Pete Davidson is the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

It was a big news week for “sexy.”

First, Paul Rudd was crowned “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine. He was shocked by the title, though not as shocked as his wife, who was “stupefied.” It’s like she found out he could bench press 500 pounds.

Now, as a straight male who wakes up each morning with so-so to below average looks depending on the insomnia – the bags under my eyes should be sponsored by Michael Kors – I am always reluctant to weigh in on Sexiest Man Alive. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t offer to repair your iPhone or try to explain Gödel’s incompleteness theorems to my kids: I don’t know.

Is Paul Rudd the Sexiest Man Alive? I don’t know. People’s Sexy Selection Committee flagged his “gorgeous green eyes” and “easy grin,” which means next year’s title might go to an indri lemur. Again, as a straight male, I will simply note that, in one People photo, Rudd is sprawled supine on a sofa and wearing a black T-shirt. His delicate face appears to be carved from porcelain by angels working under the sculptural tutelage of Michelangelo.

Sexiest Man Alive? I don’t know. A handsome bloke? Sure, fine, yes.

But enough about Rudd. This week was like the Super Bowl and Black Friday for “sexy.” Other bizarre headlines included, “9 Sexy Advent Calendars For a Pleasurable Holiday Season,” “Can Ping Pong Be Sexy?” “Investing Shouldn’t Be Sexy,” “What is Sexy?” and “Miley Cyrus Sports a Furry White Coat with Sexy Black Fishnet Nylons For a Photo Shoot in Hollywood.”

But as we close out 2021, there is an elephant in the sexy room.

And his name is Pete Davidson.

Forget Rudd and the previous Sexiest Man Alive winners. If we are ever to truly grasp “sexy,” we straight males with so-so to below average looks need to figure out Davidson’s “ugly hot” appeal, to use his term. Or his “BDE,” to use the acronym from horny chicks who don’t write for a family newspaper.

The point is: People magazine really screwed up. I demand a recount because the Sexiest Man Alive is Davidson, even if that’s debatable to those with functioning eyeballs. Without understanding the how or why, my guess is he could steal my wife in under two minutes during small talk near the Slurpee machine at a 7-Eleven.This guy is to sexy as Nike is to jogging.

Word is Davidson is now dating Kim Kardashian. Think about that. I never want to be mean. But if I was at a red light and Davidson was walking toward my car, and I didn’t know who he was, I’d assume he was about to squeegee my windshield for spare change. And now he’s dating Kim Kardashian?

It’s like watching Waldo seduce Jessica Rabbit.

When I see footage of Davidson, he looks like he smells vaguely of beef jerky inside a dank bowling alley. I don’t know if it’s the peroxide tuft or Fozzie Bear peepers or Grade 9 art class tattoos that vandalize his torso, but there are no visual clues to suggest this fellow could ever land a Kardashian, to say nothing of his previous relationships with Margaret Qualley, Cazzie David, Kaia Gerber, Kate Beckinsale, Phoebe Dynevor and, most startling of all, an aborted engagement to Ariana Grande.

Young women are hot for Pete Davidson. The temperature keeps spiking.

For everyone else, it’s more confusing than wormholes.

During a recent interview on “Late Night With Seth Meyers,” supermodel Emily Ratajkowski explained why females are so attracted to the “SNL” star. She cited Davidson’s height, professionalism and tight relationship with his mom. She seemed perplexed why anyone would not see him as a stud.

“I feel like only other men feel that way,” she told Meyers. “Guys are like, ‘Wow, what’s that guy got?’ He seems super charming, vulnerable, lovely. His fingernail polish is awesome. He looks good!”

I’m sorry, but this makes no sense. I am looking at photos of Sexiest Man Alive winners from this century – Brad Pitt, Pierce Brosnan, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Channing Tatum, Chris Hemsworth, Dwayne Johnson – and now I’m looking at a photo of Davidson in which he appears to have just spent months portaging while smashing ripe bananas into his face.

This guy always looks like he was midway through a knock-knock joke before getting nailed with a stun gun. He looks like he doesn’t clean his aquarium. He has the vibe of a college kid who ad libs smores and is hostile to flossing.

“There are so many people that should get this before me,” Paul Rudd told People, while accepting his Sexiest Man Alive crown.

He’s right. And as much as this straight male doesn’t get it, as much as I am gobsmacked by Pete’s ability to hook up at will with any gorgeous female he crosses paths with, the empirical evidence is now beyond debate.

Pete Davidson looks like someone rearranged his face with spare bionic parts. He looks like he hangs out with “Grand Theft Auto” characters. His creepy smile could scare the living daylights out of songbirds at dusk.

Pete Davidson is the Sexiest Man Alive.