Opinion | Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to live in a new America of just red states. The blue states should join Canada

If Marjorie Taylor Greene gets her way, Canada will have two southern neighbours.

But let’s start with an aside. An Ohio pizzeria made headlines this week for an employment sign: “NOW HIRING NON-STUPID PEOPLE.” It made me laugh. Then it made me sad. We are living in the golden age of dumb. And even merchants of pepperoni pies are fed up with imbeciles who bring nothing to the counter.

You know, like Marjorie Taylor Greene. I can only assume the Georgia congresswoman is on a mission to get into the Guinness World Records for Stupid. Do a deep dive on MTG’s social media and you will find someone who believed the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks were an “inside job.” You will find someone who fell for the QAnon hoax. You will find strange references to “false flag” operations after school shootings. And “Jewish space lasers” after wildfires. You will find a far-right, incoherent pastiche of antidemocracy and profascism, anti-science and pro-superstition, anti-decency and pro-friction, anti-smart and pro-dumbass, anti-unity and pro-chaos.

If MTG was your babysitter, you’d come home to find your kids cosplaying Putin.

The latest salvo from this bottled-blond Einstein is one for the ages.

MTG is now calling for — wait for it — the Divided States of America.

In her fevered cranium, it is now impossible for conservatives to inhabit the same country as liberals. So, obviously, the only solution is to balkanize America. As she tweeted this week: “We need a national divorce. We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this.”

This “everyone I talk to” trope has become a bizarre tic on the right.

Everyone I talk to says climate change is a lie. Everyone I talk to says they voted for Donald Trump. Everyone I talk to says America is starting World War III by supporting Ukraine. Everyone I talk to says M&Ms should never, ever be gender neutral.

With respect, maybe you’re only talking to stupid people?

MTG’s call for a “national divorce” triggered swift backlash, including from conservatives such as Liz Cheney and Laura Ingraham. There is no constitutional mechanism for secession. I thought this was settled after the Civil War. Splitting America into two countries would, practically speaking, be harder than getting Julia Fox to wear a sensible pantsuit. It’s impossible. It can’t be done.

But you know what? It’s time for liberals to call MTG’s bluff and say, “OK, sure.”

We grant you this national divorce, Madam Demented. Just be warned that Wall Street is in a blue state, so you’ll need to find a new financial hub. The CIA is in a blue state, so you’ll need your own intelligence services. Silicon Valley, oh no, also a blue state. Better get a passport before visiting Vegas because Nevada is also blue.

But maybe you can repurpose Disney World as your new White House?

And ask Ron DeSantis if he will dress up as Goofy?

If MTG had the IQ and attention span to study poverty rates in blue and red states, she’d realize she’s about to become the Welfare Queen of Trumpistan. Education? Total mismatch. Health care? Better not get pneumonia in Mississippi.

This week, MSNBC economic analyst Steve Rattner pointed out counties that voted for Joe Biden produced a whopping 71 per cent of America’s GDP. Except for Utah, every red state in America gets more money from the despised federal government than it contributes. The blue states are basically giving the red states allowance.

Red states aren’t a mythical Xanadu of freedom — they’re a bunch of freeloaders.

Rattner: “So it would not really work very well to their advantage to leave.”

Yeah. And MTG is so bonkers, she doesn’t even realize how her own state voted. After a “national divorce,” Georgia would become a part of Bidenia. Then poor MTG would be forced to seek asylum in Trumpistan, where she could take refuge in a new country that has no money for infrastructure, all universities are turned into TGI Fridays, toddlers roam the streets with open-carry AK-47s, abortion warrants the death penalty — so much for pro-life — politicians grift by impulse, and everyone watches the NFL after tailgates limited to moonshine and mustard sandwiches.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is calling for a national divorce. Here’s an idea: how about the blue states shack up with Canada? Enough already with this polarized insanity, America. Blue states could bring us military might and a spirit of innovation. In return, we’d help them out with universal health care and proper maternity leave. Come for the clean and safe urban centres, blue states, and let us rejoice in the market and geopolitical opportunities we expand together in our home on native land.

Imagine taking the TTC to Broadway. Or having a good reason to avoid Wyoming.

I was watching a documentary about chimps the other night and was stunned by how much they remind me of Marjorie Taylor Greene. No offence to the chimps. It’s something about her eyes and the way her face twists into visceral outrage over something as meaningless as a banana peel. If you stare at that mug long enough, it’s hard to shake the idea she is not like the rest of us on the sliding scale of evolution.

So let her be the Welfare Queen of Trumpistan. Let her extremism kill her lifestyle.

Meanwhile, blue states, Canada is here for you.

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