Opinion | Kim Kardashian is the new ‘Chief Taste Consultant’ for Beyond Meat and her fake eating ad is beyond belief

When it comes to food ads and celebrity endorsements, there is only one hard rule: the celebrity should be seen eating the food.

Beyond Meat just violated this rule. Beyond Meat may never recover.

The company, which simulates burgers, sausages and other carnivore delights with plant-based substitutes, hired Kim Kardashian as its new “Chief Taste Consultant.” This is a risky move given her past testimonials for ribs, cheeseburgers and McGriddles. The tabloids recently caught Kim and beau Pete Davidson hitting up an In-N-Out. There is no broccolini on that menu. Do a Google Image search and you’ll find countless images of Kim stuffing her face with empty calories that are not plant-based.

I would never want to be trapped on a deserted island with Ms. Kardashian because I know she would not hesitate to eat me. If she were forced to choose between palm fronds and cannibalism, my pecs or glutes are getting devoured, no question. Then she’d sauté my liver.

And turn my kidneys into a bouillabaisse until the rescue ship arrives.

Kardashian has gobbled more Meat Lover’s pizza than Domino’s Noid. She has pimped for Carl’s Jr., which is to veganism as The Brick is to Roman Antiquities. I would not be surprised if she keeps a stash of beef jerky in her Egyptian silk pillowcase. She could turn your goldfish into sushi.

But maybe those days are over. Maybe Kim, who routinely Photoshops her social media images, is now a natural ambassador for fake.

In this case, it’s fake meat. But why is she not actually eating it?

The 28-second spot starts with Kardashian — a sultry apparition in platinum-dyed hair, sleeveless black turtleneck and enough makeup and facial shades to baffle Crayola scientists — drumming the endorsement:

“I believe so much in the mission of Beyond Meat that I’ve stepped in to help with my greatest asset — my taste. This plant-based meat is not only amazingly delicious, but it’s also better for you and better for the planet.”

Kardashian, who has private planes and a fleet of supercars, is worried about the planet? Kardashian, whose ecological footprint exceeds the entire population of Venezuela, is suddenly an environmentalist?

Fine. Good. But if Beyond Meat is “amazingly delicious,” shouldn’t she at least swallow one bite on camera? Seven seconds in, she is shown holding a perfectly sliced fake half burger. She throws back her head and fake chomps with fake orgasmic satisfaction: Mmmmmm!

It’s visually jarring because the fake burger has no teeth marks.

It’s like watching a mime trapped in an invisible box.

Next, Kardashian forks a fake meatball and holds it up while staring with bedroom eyes. That fake meatball remains two area codes away from her lips. She just hoists it up like it’s an azalea plucked from the weeds. If this were a car ad, Kardashian would be slashing tires as the director gasps. If it were a medical PSA, she’d be extolling the virtues of monkeypox.

She then squeezes an invisible lime into a fake beef taco. She holds a nacho chip over her top lip for no apparent reason while shooting a selfie. She tucks into more fake meat without ever digesting. She sniffs a plate of waffles and fake sausage, making it seem like this is the most divine smell she has ever smelled and the most delicious food she would never, ever put in her taut belly under no circumstance.

“So good,” she lies, before fake chewing fake chicken tenders.

Beyond Meat is a struggling company. As the Wall Street Journal reported this week, shares are down 78 per cent in the past year. Change is urgent. What’s not clear is how having Kardashian as the new “Chief Taste Consultant” might reverse corporate malaise.

I’m pretty sure she is not going to stiletto-step into an R&D lab for hours a day, sticking out her tongue as Beyond Meat alchemists dab it with pea protein, dried yeast, methylcellulose and sunflower lecithin: “Kim, how does that taste? Should we boost the apple extract, neutralize the potassium chloride or amplify the expeller-pressed canola oil?”

She’d just be like, “Bitches, can we go to Burger King already?”

Go watch past food ads starring female celebrities, including everyone from Kate Upton to Paris Hilton. Yes, there is a lot of sexist goofiness. Upton basically has unlawful carnal relations with her Southwest Patty Melt. Hilton is lasciviously washing a car while noshing. But you know what? At least they are shown eating the food that is advertised!

Kardashian is the new “Chief Taste Consultant” for Beyond Meat and it’s beyond belief because she seems beyond indifferent. I haven’t seen this much fake chewing since my twin daughters had tea parties with their stuffed animals.

Kardashian is an influencer among influencers. She could sell bottled evil to Putin. She is a marketing force.

But in this new ad for fake meat, she is the one who seems fake.

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