Opinion | It’s time for Herschel Walker, the most unintentionally hilarious man alive, to ditch politics for comedy

Is Herschel Walker filming a top-secret project for Comedy Central?

The former NFL star is vying to become a U.S. senator. To do so, he must defeat Democrat incumbent Raphael Warnock in Georgia’s runoff election next month. To do so, it might also be wise for handlers to duct-tape Walker’s mouth and hold him hostage in a peach orchard until the polls close on Dec. 6.

That way, he can’t self-sabotage by closing his deranged campaign with a riff on Bigfoot’s sexual predilections — “He likes goats with big butts” — while reminiscing about the time he shot Billy the Kid or invented the internal combustion engine.

On Wednesday, Walker was again trending on social media. His latest folly came the night before during a softball interview with puffball Sean Hannity on Fox News. Flanked by Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham, two Republicans who sold their souls to enable the zombification of the GOP, Walker was in big picture mode.

“Well, first of all, this election is more than Herschel Walker,” he said, as Cruz nodded like a bobblehead and Graham stared at his unprized candidate the way a scared bank teller looks at a masked robber behind the bulletproof glass.

Then came Walker’s trending gaffe: “This erection is about the people.”

We all have slips of the tongue. But blurting out “erection” instead of “election” is next-level Freudian from a fellow who stands accused of not revealing his exact number of children. Or a fellow who is staunchly pro-life, even though at least two women allege he paid for their abortions because he didn’t want more kids.

How long until DNA proves Walker is the biological father of Kanye West?

Walker is pro-life in the same way Elon Musk is pro-speech: It’s situational.

This is why Walker is wasting his time with politics. He’s not qualified to be a U.S. senator. He’s not qualified to work the concession stands for the Ottawa Senators.

Can he name the three branches of government? Can he spell his own name?

Walker is a gaffe machine. He makes George W. Bush sound like Socrates.

And this is why he should consider a future in standup comedy.

Walker is a natural storyteller, even if every word is a lie. He has tremendous timing, especially when dodging the truth. Over the last few months, Walker has made me laugh out loud more than Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock combined.

Did you see his speech the other day? The one where he veers away from politics to offer a monster film review? Quote: “I was watching this movie called Fright Night, Freak Night or some type of night. But it was about vampires. I don’t know if you know, but vampires are some cool people, are they not?

“But I’m gonna tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire. Did you know that? I never knew that. So I don’t want to be a vampire anymore. I want to be a werewolf.”

Come again? This was not a stoned teenager. This was an aspiring senator. If there was a Heisman Trophy for crazy, Walker would remain undefeated. What’s amazing about this werewolf clip, which also trended, is how committed Walker seems to the role of absolute imbecile.

The vampire detour made no political sense.

But it was comedy gold. My side still hurts.

Then there was his hot take this summer on climate change:

“Since we don’t control the air, our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So, when China gets our good air, their bad air got to move. So it moves over to our good air space. Then — now we got to clean that back up.”

Can you imagine his thoughts on bilateral treaties or Nutella?

In just a few months, Walker has cranked out enough material for a killer one-hour comedy special on Netflix. Just Google: “Walker and bulls.” Or: “Walker and trees.” Or: “Walker and COVID.” Or: “Walker and FBI.” Or: “Walker and evolution.”

Now, you could argue there is nothing funny about Republicans such as Cruz and Graham cynically and cravenly looking away as party newbies play a game of chicken with democracy itself. Cruz is eternally disgraced by his lust for power.

There is no Viagra for Graham’s electile dysfunction.

Kari Lake, who ignited her bid for governor of Arizona with a bonfire of lies, still hasn’t conceded and never will. I don’t know her position on erections, but she is an election denier. With that dour resting face and the sultry voice of a pickpocket working a tourist trap, Ms. Lake has no future in comedy.

She is no Herschel Walker, the most unintentionally hilarious man alive.

He has spent the last few months rambling incoherently about pregnant cows and acting as if Ricky Bobby from “Talladega Nights” is a real person. He takes fake police badges to debates. By this time next week, he will claim to be a brain surgeon. Or he’ll say he graduated from Harvard with a 184 per cent average.

Walker doesn’t need a Senate seat. He needs a mic on a standup stage.

And the only ones not laughing will be Republicans.

“This erection is about the people.” Indeed. And with #erection trending on Wednesday, Hump Day, it’s clear Republicans have screwed themselves.

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