Opinion | Doug Ford’s bad Walmart haircut proves no man is safe at the barbershop

My heart and scalp go out to Doug Ford at this difficult time.

At a press conference this week in Vaughan, the premier was asked about his new buzz cut. Standing at a podium with “Building Ontario” signage, Mr. Ford spoke hauntingly about how his grey follicles were savagely unbuilt.

It’s all I can do to not FedEx him a wig.

The nightmare started when Ford, down south for a few days, ventured into a Walmart and spied a placard for $15 haircuts. I did not know Walmart offered grooming services for men. This does not seem like a good idea.

But because Mr. Ford is a “cheap son-of-a-gun,” as he confessed, this discounted head maintenance felt serendipitous. If Walmart offered $4 chest and groin hair removal, a nude Mr. Ford would now be a dead ringer for the Michelin Man.

But there was a problem. Ford speaks English. The barber spoke Spanish. This triggered a lost in translation moment — and a startling amount of hair loss.

“I said, ‘I just want a trim, just a little, little trim,’” Ford lamented to reporters, before adding, “Every guy knows what number they are.”

Ladies, he is referring to the trimmer setting. He is a No. 4. But the barber must have heard, “Hey, Pedro, give me a minus-12,” because this stylist grabbed his electric clipper as if suddenly inspired by the artificial turf at Rogers Centre.

“So, all of a sudden, he pulls out the shaver and — zoom! — right across the thing!” Ford exclaimed, sounding like the victim of a home invasion. “And I said, ‘Señor! Look what you did! One side is full, one side is not!’ So then I had to get the other side done. And needless to say, it cost me 26 dollars.”

Needless? I’m not sure why the price inflated $11 so our bald leader could leave with a symmetrical cranium. What I do know is no man is safe at the barbershop.

If I had to estimate, I’d say 90 per cent of my lifetime haircuts fall under the taxonomy of blah. I’ve had a few good ones, yes. And a few that, upon putting my glasses back on, left me looking like a Bollywood gaffer who accidentally stuck his finger in an electrical socket. But for the most part, I never look better. I just look less shaggy.

By contrast, when my wife returns from the salon, she is a smokeshow. I always gasp at first sight. This is true of all my female friends. When they get their hair “done” — a word men never use because nobody cares to ever properly do our ’dos — they always look fantastic. What’s the difference? Is it the two hours? The various stations? The three-digit price? The complimentary cappuccinos? I have no clue.

But when my male friends get haircuts, there is a 50/50 chance they will wander out past the swirling barber’s pole looking like they just had a skull mishap with John Deere. As we were coming out of the pandemic, I had dinner with a beloved mate who, earlier that day, had his first cut in weeks. I said he looked awesome. This was a lie. As we tucked into our appetizers, I found it hard to chew because I couldn’t shake the horrifying feeling a monster out there had napalmed my friend’s noggin.

He looked like a vandalized Chia Pet. He was hideous.

Forget the budget. Doug Ford needs to protect men from bad haircuts. Enough already. A hasty trip to the barber should not be a game of Russian Roulette. Our male heads should be treated with the same love and care extended to females. Barbers should be like pilots, trained and regulated pros who’d never let us go to work the next morning looking like we just had a rowdy bar brawl with Edward Scissorhands.

Why is it so hard for an Ontario man to get a decent haircut?

Ford was clear with the Walmart barber. He asked for No. 4. When Ford hits up a McDonald’s drive-through and orders a Chicken Big Mac, he does not expect to get a Filet-O-Fish. But now he looks like a trout because this negligent Walmart barber treated this cheapskate haircut like it was an afternoon of reckless improv.

“It’s going to take to August to grow this thing back,” Ford told reporters.

That’s if he’s lucky. He’s 58. Every strand of hair the Walmart assassin harvested may never grow back. Once you enter middle age, you just never know. When I leave a barbershop now, I glance at the nest of hair on the floor and whisper, “Thank you.”

Those soldiers may never be replaced on the front lines.

This is why I am calling upon Mr. Ford to take a hard look in the mirror and vow to never let what happened to him happen to another man. It’s insane that at a press conference this week, he felt the need to ball up his fists and hold them to his temples to recreate how a Walmart barber violently shook his skull and then proceeded to strip him of all hair and dignity. He looks like he’s auditioning for a “Top Gun” sequel.

Doug Ford learned this week what other men painfully absorb by Grade 9.

Our looks are never taken seriously. Sir, all we ask is for haircut equality.

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