Opinion | Conservative are boycotting Oreos because they are ‘gay cookies’ and it tastes like self-parody

At some point, conservatives will be forced to live on water and white bread.

That is, unless Wonder lends corporate support to the trans community, in which case they’ll just have the H2O. May I bring you another Dasani, Ms. Owens? It’s a head-scratcher. The conservatives first to decry cancel culture are also the first to launch consumer boycotts.

It’s like watching those opposed to gymnastics flail on the parallel bars.

One day the ultraright is rallying around Snow White, the next it is calling for Disney to be burned to the ground. Last year, as Salon reported, Dan Bongino — imagine a wannabe Rush Limbaugh in a T-shirt with the reasoning skills of a Teddy Ruxpin — tried to whip up his listeners to shun Amazon. He then praised Whole Foods, unaware it was owned by Amazon.

It was interesting for Mr. Bongino to cite Whole Foods because these conservatives reserve a special place in their boycotting hearts for junk that goes down their pieholes. In recent times, they have threatened to never again consume Coca-Cola, Aunt Jemima, Budweiser, M&M’s, Kellogg’s, Ben & Jerry’s, Nabisco, Starbucks, Chobani …

If Dr. Seuss was also a line of burgers, there’d be big bun burning in Boise tonight.

In 2017, Keurig pulled its ads from Sean Hannity’s Fox show. Irate fans took sledgehammers to their Keurigs and chucked them off rooftops. Alas, this solidarity percolated to zero after protesters realized their only real accomplishment was to destroy their own pricey, single-pod coffee machines. And, afterwards, they couldn’t even go to Starbucks.

Do you know how hard it is to denounce George Soros while in caffeine withdrawal?

The latest foodstuff to attract the ire of conservatives is Oreos. Why? I’m glad you asked. It seems Oreos are “gay cookies.” I know. If we’re going to anthropomorphize snacks and engage in offensive stereotypical sexual generalization, I would have expected the far-right culture warriors to maybe have a problem with Twinkies or Fruit Roll-Ups.

As Fast Company pointed out this week, it all started with a two-minute short from filmmaker Alice Wu. The video, the latest collaboration between Oreo and PFLAG National, a gay advocacy group, tells the story of a young Asian man nervously preparing to come out to his grandmother. It’s poignant and beautifully shot, especially the anatomical framing.

And this is hardly a revelation. The Oreo brand has been an LGBTQ ally for more than a decade. But some conservatives were in no mood to dunk this new video in their milk.

I direct you to a tweet from Greg Kelly, a host on Newsmax TV. Above a photo of the Cookie Monster, a perfectly sensible Mr. Kelly writes: “COOKIE! I love COOKIES. C is for COOKIE. COOKIE IS FOR ME. I do NOT like GAY COOKIES. ‘Sexuality’ has NOTHING TO DO with the Cookie experience. Cookies are for ALL! Basically Cookies are ‘asexual’–why is the WOKE LEFT messing around with OREOS?!?! STOP THE INSANITY.”

He followed up with: “Since @oreo is ‘coming out’ I’m going to remind everyone that OREOS SUCK. Taste like Driveway Gravel. Not MOIST. Even Nabisco knows the truth-the cookies are too DRY. Milk Reliant, not a stand alone cookie. Go with the FIG NEWTON. We don’t care about Mr Fig’s orientation!”

Yeah, well, everyone knows Mr. Fig is a metrosexual.

And Mr. Peanut is a celibate weirdo who watches jam porn through his monocle.

I’m not saying Mr. Kelly is off his rocker. That would be libelous. But he is perched in the lotus position on a three-legged ottoman as twitchy chipmunks in muumuus encircle while egging him on about Hillary Clinton: “That bitch eats her pizza with a fork and knife!”

Unfamiliar with Mr. Kelly, I scrolled through the last few days of his diesel tweet-output and could not stop laughing. This fellow has a lot of empty calorie grievances! It seems there may be a shortage of “GLAZED Chocolate Cake,” his “go-to” at “DUNKIN DONUTS.”

And, no, I don’t know why he RANDOMLY hits the CAPS-LOCK while TWEETING.

Also, if you are taking “Bodytech 100% Pure Creatine Monohydrate,” Greg advises you be “carful” with it, by which I assume he means “careful,” as opposed to taking enough to fill a Subaru. It’s best to do this supplement “au Natural,” by which I assume he means “au naturel.” This dude can’t spell and has contempt for quotes, hyphens and capitalization.

It seems there may also be a carbs-based emergency at his “bagel place,” because everyone is “is going NUTS. Gobs of Cream Cheese, peanut butter on their ‘toasted on ONE SIDE!’”

There may also be a looming pigs-in-a-blanket boycott: “Every ‘cocktail party’ has these damn things but they should be BANNED… I was at an event and they wouldn’t make me my Smoothie, so I was forced to eat 10 of these things.”

I don’t know who forced him to gobble down double digits of pigs-in-a-blanket.

Maybe it was the Hamburglar with a sawed-off shotgun.

What I would say to future conservative boycotters everywhere is to put aside a few minutes and scroll through Kelly’s tweets to understand the company you are about to keep. I was wheezing in hysterics reading his deranged thoughts. My side hasn’t hurt this much since I was nine and wolfed down an entire sleeve of gay cookies.

As Kelly warned: “STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM OREO COOKIES.”

Or maybe just stay clear of idiotic boycotts that will leave a bad taste of self-parody.

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