Opinion | Calm down, Céline Dion fans. Rolling Stone’s ‘200 Greatest Singers of All Time’ is not a list — it’s trolling

Music lists are like snowflakes and fingerprints.

If you asked everyone on the planet to rank their “200 Greatest Singers of All Time,” no two lists would be the same. Music is subjective. We like what we like. If an old Zeppelin banger enters a random shuffle, I’ll turn it up. My wife is more inclined to cover her ears. Jimmy Page might as well be soloing on a dental drill.

To my wife, Led Zeppelin is nothing but grating noise.

So I’m not sure why Rolling Stone remains hell-bent on playing the role of cultural arbiter when it comes to music rankings. But to kick off 2023 — Happy New Year! — the magazine updated its “200 Greatest Singers of All Time.” And now people are overreacting by treating this wildly subjective list as if it’s gospel.

Most of the headlines this week were about who is not on the list.

Céline Dion fans are apoplectic their chanteuse was snubbed.

I have great admiration for what Ms. Dion has accomplished in her storied career. My thoughts and prayers are with her as she deals with newly disclosed health issues. But, honestly, if I had to choose between listening to one of her albums or sitting in a middle seat between a crying baby and a baboon blowing into a vuvuzela on a long-haul flight, I’d take the Air Miles and the migraine.

Dion has a powerful voice, no question. But as soon as she screeches up the octaves and holds a high-C for all eternity, my heart can’t go on. I feel a powerful urge to pour rubber cement into my cochlear just to stop the sonic torture.

That said, you can understand why Dion’s fans might storm Rolling Stone headquarters like Jan. 6 insurrectionists. She gets the rude brush-off, but there’s room for Ozzy Osbourne, who sounds like his larynx is pocked with gravel?

Bob Dylan is one of the most influential artists of his generation. But as a “singer,” man alive, he sounds like a broken ambulance siren. Rolling Stone found a perch for Marc Anthony but not Bruno Mars? Poly Styrene gets a shout-out, but crickets for Nat King Cole or Dionne Warwick? SZA gets a nod as Madonna is MIA?

Yes, music is subjective. But some of this is objectively odd. Jennifer Hudson and John Legend belong to a small and rarefied club of EGOT winners. That was not good enough for Rolling Stone, which prefers Glenn Danzig or Burna Boy. Many of the names on the Top 200 sound wilfully obscure, the result of brainstorming by bearded 40-somethings who work at a used record store.

The notable omissions run from ABBA to Zappa. How am I supposed to take a list seriously when it puts Mariah Carey at No. 5 but completely shuns Bing Crosby, Tony Bennett, Sting, Janet Jackson, Billy Joel, James Mercer, John Denver, Luciano Pavarotti, George Harrison, Billy Corgan, Lionel Richie, Moby, Tom Petty …

And don’t get me started on the CanCon disses. If Rolling Stone has angered Dion’s fans, just wait until the Beliebers find out Justin didn’t make the cut. I’m assuming Drake’s fans don’t care either way because they know he is not a singer so much as a forlorn mumbler. Still, how could Rolling Stone overlook so many other Canadians, including Bryan Adams, Shania Twain, Michael Bublé, Anne Murray, Sarah McLachlan, Grimes, Feist, Robbie Robertson, Alanis Morissette, Jeff Healey, Tom Cochrane, Avril Lavigne, Paul Anka, Geddy Lee, k.d. lang and Gord Downie?

I might storm Rolling Stone headquarters to seek vengeance for its unforgivable sin of overlooking of Mr. Gordon Lightfoot. The man is a national treasure and certainly more worthy of the Top 200 than, say, Carrie Underwood or El DeBarge.

Or maybe this overheated debate is exactly what Rolling Stone wants.

I didn’t see a single story this week about how Aretha Franklin is the magazine’s pick for Greatest Singer of All Time. That’s because everyone was too busy feuding over the snubs. Rolling Stone first published its list of “100 Greatest Singers” in 2008. Since then, it has doubled in size and quadrupled in controversy as music lovers now wonder how on earth IU outranks Joan Baez.

Next year, watch for Rebecca Black to claim John Lennon’s spot.

All lists are disputable. I disagree with most of what’s on my wife’s grocery list every weekend. Sweetheart, I refuse to eat parsnips or listen to Siouxsie and the Banshees. Not happening. But what Rolling Stone continues to do, quite masterfully, is create annual buzz by hastily tweaking its list of “200 Greatest Singers of All Time” in a way that will only trigger new arguments.

This isn’t about music. It’s about a cappella disagreement.

I have spent more time thinking about Céline Dion this week than I have in my entire life. Why is Paul Westerberg on the list while Gary Brooker is not? Why did Freddie Mercury not make the Top 10? Why is Christina Aguilera ahead of Barbra Streisand and, come to think of it, where is Bette Midler?

Rolling Stone has figured out what politicians already know: creating a brouhaha is a great way to stay relevant. The magazine is no longer making lists — it is trolling.

And we keep taking the bait.

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