Opinion | As UFOs invade our skies forget aliens — it’s a terrestrial invasion we should fear

Put down your phaser and stop watching “War of the Worlds.”

The aliens are not invading — not yet anyway. Still, it’s been a spooky month in the skies above. First, a Chinese spy balloon that resembled the Cinesphere floating at 60,000 feet was shot down by an F-22 off the South Carolina coast.

Then this weekend, three more UFOs were discovered hovering over Alaska, the Yukon and Lake Huron. All three were blasted to smithereens by fighter jets. The object over Alaska, the size of a hatchback, shattered into pieces. The object over Yukon? Cylindrical. The one over Lake Huron? Octagonal.

It’s only a matter of time until a mysterious rhombus appears over Regina.

The lack of an official explanation over what these UFOs are, where they came from and what they are up to has fuelled otherworldly speculation. It was truly surreal on Monday to hear White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre attempt to proactively wiggle away from any Roswell redux.

“I know there have been questions and concerns about this but there is no, again, no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns. And it was important for us to say that from here because we’ve been hearing a lot about it.”

Phew. I really don’t have the energy to deal with an alien invasion. I barely have the energy to deal with the ruffians at my local convenience store who spend 10 minutes check-boxing lottery tickets as I’m tapping my toe and waiting in line to pay for milk.

Let’s face it, if an intergalactic species of malevolent E.T.’s ever decides to turn Earth into their Club Med, that’s a wrap for humanity. Even Tom Cruise is doomed. If a Little Green Man is hell-bent on harvesting my organs and suddenly appears in my subterranean office, what could I possibly do? Throw my MacBook at him? Scream and try to run away as a beam of light flashes out of his humongous eyes and hits me in the spine before I’m frozen and levitated in advance of a ghastly anal probe?

No, the objects shot down this weekend were not UFOs from a distant galaxy. If they were, they would have never been shot down. We can hedge-bet that conclusion by rewatching the so-called “Pentagon UFO videos” revealed in 2017 on the front page of the New York Times. Those UFOs, encountered by U.S. navy pilots and recorded by cockpit systems, did not exhibit the aeronautical properties of the Goodyear Blimp.

They moved at unimaginable speeds. They had no visible means of propulsion. They violated the laws of physics. They jammed radar. They zigged with enough G-force to turn a human occupant into shredded cheese. Shooting down one of those objects with a Sidewinder air-to-air missile would be like catching a bullet in a butterfly net.

Forget aliens. If the downed UFOs were of this world, that’s even scarier.

Is Canada prepared for a terrestrial invasion?

Do we even know how many high-altitude spy balloons have eluded detection and hovered in our airspace in recent years? What intel was gathered? Does China know your preferred driving route to work? Does Russia know the precise co-ordinates of where Justin Trudeau will shop for fancy new socks prior to the World War III?

Like most Canadians, I never fretted about national security. The world seemed stable. Russia’s barbaric invasion of Ukraine changed that. It has raised the spectre of global conflict. China’s brazen spy balloon has only mangled diplomatic relations with the West and amplified the geopolitical cause for concern.

The world is now playing a dangerous game of footsies with catastrophe.

And the mysterious UFOs this weekend suggest it’s time for Canadians to look up.

Instead of wasting money on renaming streets or putting solar panels on daycares, should we not be bolstering our military just in case? It was an American pilot who shot down the UFO in our airspace. We couldn’t even neutralize a slow-moving target. It’s unsettling. And what happens if our beloved neighbour to the south, the most powerful country in world history and our protector, ever turns on us?

That’s not as crazy as it sounds. In recent years, some American conservatives have openly called for an invasion of Canada. Do you think a future U.S. president Tucker Carlson would hesitate to overthrow our government before forcing us to wear bow-ties in labour camps where we must hand-churn vats of Mountain Dew for export?

On Sunday, I was telling my daughters about an obscure book I read in junior high that, in one section, posited an alien invasion would begin with balloonlike probes dotting the skies on reconnaissance missions. The poor things went to school Monday on two hours of sleep. But with the lack of info — and the inexplicable strangeness of balloons suddenly showing up like wedding crashers — you can understand why some people are making noises about aliens. Alas, this is a red herring from Pluto.

Those who wish to do Canada harm are definitely from this planet.

And it’s about time we took the threat seriously.

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