Opinion | 20 slices of processed cheese on a sesame seed bun? Burger King Thailand’s new menu item is a surreal insult to food

It’s always alarming when a fast-food chain says, “This is no joke.”

But, first, a message to all cardiologists in Thailand: Take your vitamins. Get some rest while you can. I fear you will be very busy in the months ahead.

In what may be the worst menu addition since Taco Bell unleashed bowel hell with its Waffle Taco, Burger King Thailand is now selling “The Real Cheese Burger.”

Yes, “cheeseburger” is usually one word. That’s when it contains meat, toppings, condiments, sauces. This “cheese burger” is two words: absolutely disgusting.

It seems the misanthropes at Burger King Thailand had a revelation: “What if we sold a cheeseburger that was an actual cheese burger? Forget the patty. Our customers will get 20 slices of processed cheese on a sesame seed bun. It could be magical!”

Indeed. Just glancing at the photo will magically make you lactose intolerant.

Now, look. There is a reason we are surrounded by “cheese lovers” and not, say, “legume lovers.” Cheese is delightful. It comes in a wide variety of tastes, textures and styles. An aged cheddar can make you feel young again. I was once dining with Frank D’Angelo at his bistro on King West and he said, “You gotta try the Parmigiana Reggiano.” Soon, a tiny barbershop quartet was harmonizing atop my tongue.

A nibble of brie or Camembert at a garden soirée? Wonderful. Trying to unhinge your jaws wide enough to choke down what looks like a stack of Kraft Singles the height of a garden shed? Revolting. Why not just tie off a vein and mainline Velveeta?

An unscientific review this week of the early customer reviews for the Real Cheese Burger are in the ratings range of “Queen Cleopatra” on Rotten Tomatoes. Those who dared to order the Real Cheese Burger found it hard to red-line past three bites. It was described as weird, dry, gross, horrid, scary and, for one customer, nightmarish.

In other words, exactly what you might expect by looking at the revolting photo.

I can only assume something was lost in translation. God help the good people of Bangkok if the stomach sadists who dreamed up the Real Cheese Burger ever get any literal and ghastly ideas after hearing about pigs in a blanket, toad in a hole or devils on horseback. Now available at Burger King Thailand: an ice cream float! You take a sip and then we throw you in a pool of root beer where you shall refreshingly float!

I warned you last month about ketchup cotton candy and how summer is the season of queasy foodstuff. Now I’m starting to wonder if fast food is trying to kill us.

The Real Cheese Burger should be rebranded the Real Heart Attack.

All burgers across the planet are out of control. The Big Mac was invented in 1967, before I was born, but I have gone back and read coverage that marvelled at the pioneering spirit of two patties. Now hamburgers come in trio and quad formation. Five is not out of the question. Six is entirely possible in some postal codes.

Hamburgers are like disposable razors. For generations, one blade was sufficient. Now the grooming lunatics are marketing flexible, six-blade gizmos that come with ultraviolet follicle lights and Bluetooth. Eventually, Gillette will hawk an Autonomous Shaving Helmet that comes with 1,000 rotary blades.

The danger in shaving used to be nicks. In the future, you may lose a nose.

I don’t even know how anyone can digest a burger taller than Tom Cruise — especially one that consists of enough fake cheese to put a rhino in a coma. No cheese lover I know would get within two blocks of this monstrosity. Competitive muncher Joey Chestnut won a contest last week after devouring 62 hot dogs.

I challenge him to eat just one of these Thai burgers.

Cheese is a calling. The Real Cheese Burger is screaming, “Run for your life!”

I read a story this year about how Burger King’s “Bacon King” sandwich has 2,102 calories, not including fries or soda. That is clogged artery insanity.

The government levies an excise tax on booze and smokes, right? Why is there no sin tax on possibly harmful food? Obesity is a serious problem. As soon as Wendy’s starts murmuring about a Frescata or Domino’s unveils its Cheddar Bacon Loaded Tots, the feds should add a per-order surcharge that gets funnelled straight into medical care.

Obesity is a serious problem and a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese is not helping. But fast food is like fast fashion: it’s popular because it’s inexpensive. Trying to eat healthy today requires a line of credit. Grocery prices are bonkers. As soon as a bag of apples costs more than a Whopper, that’s Armageddon for public health.

But let’s try to accentuate the positive. If you consume too much fast food and want to stop, stare at this week’s nauseating photo of the Real Cheese Burger. This is what fast food is passing off as sustenance. Just spend hours staring at those gross, triangular folds of cheese piled atop one another like sea lions on the beach. Would you voluntarily put this inside your body? You wouldn’t even slip this in the mailbox of your worst enemy. Why? This is not food.

The Real Cheese Burger is a surreal insult to food.

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