On Father’s Day Jim Gaffigan ponders the peculiar lives of childless men

It’s Father’s Day.  Every third Sunday in June we honor all the men who have generously taken on the role of dad in some child’s life. Today these men will be the recipients of coffee mugs, neckties, and barbeque equipment which they will cherish for at least a day.

But what about the guys who don’t have children?  The men who’ve never volunteered to be a dad-like figure in someone’s life? What do we even call these men? I mean, besides “happy,” “lucky” or “smart”?

On paper, being a father is a bad investment. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally … I could go on.  It’s not surprising some men choose to not be a parent.  It makes sense some guys would forego eventually hearing their own teenage offspring whisper, “Can you act like you don’t know me”?

At times I envy these non-father men, but we can’t compare these men to a father. Heck, I don’t even think these men should be considered adults. How are these guys different from a pampered toddler, really? What, a driver’s license? A bank account?

What do these toddler-men even do with their free time? They probably just call it “time”!

Are there worries or concerns that keep these men up at night? Like, their child asking, “What am I going to have for breakfast?”  They probably just eat their breakfast. In quiet. No screaming. No conflict. Just quiet.

There’s no comparison. One man has a rich, fulfilling life, and the other is a dad.