As we approach wedding season, Metro.co.uk has roped in Alison Rios McCrone, venue owner and planner, to help solve your dilemmas in a weekly agony aunt column…
Dear Alison,
My parents went through a very bitter divorce 10 years ago and they have not seen each other since. My wedding will be the first time they are in the same room as each other and I’m worried.
While they’re both excited to be a part of the big day, and are getting involved in the planning, they do keep making snarky comments about one another. Things like, ‘who’s getting to give a speech first – me or your mum? If she goes first, can I speak for longer?’, ‘Does your father have to ride in the car with us on the way to the venue?’.
So far I’ve just laughed everything off but I’m not sure I can trust them to be civil to one another.
Do you have any recommendations about how I can navigate this situation – and avoid bust ups on the big day?
Thanks,
Joanna
Do you have a wedding problem you need some advice on?
Weddings are joyful occasions – but they’re also incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be very tense.
If you need a bit of help with your quandary, Alison, who has run a venue for 10 years and helps couples plan weddings, is here to offer a helping hand.
Email [email protected] to share your issue anonymously with Alison and get it solved.
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for taking the time to write in about your problem.
Trying to navigate divorced parents for a wedding can be challenging, but with careful planning and open discussions with each parent, you can create a harmonious atmosphere for your big day.
In my experience, it’s all about putting in the groundwork.
Firstly, I would have an honest conversation with each parent.
At the minute, it sounds like you’re being polite and avoiding confrontation, but it is worth being frank with your mother and father.
Meet up with them individually and express your concerns. You don’t need to come down hard, but explain how important it is for you to have a peaceful and joyful wedding day and that at the moment you’re worried that won’t be the case.
Ask them to put aside their differences and focus instead on their own excitement to see you get married. Let each parent know that you love them equally but that the hostility needs to be put aside until your wedding is over.
Set boundaries with them. For example, let them know that disrespectful or confrontational behaviour will not be tolerated, either in the lead-up or on the day itself. You can say that you won’t be engaging should they make jibes about each other and if they do act this way, you’ll be forced to stop involving them so much in the preparations.
Naturally, your parents will be nervous about seeing each other for the first time in 10 years, and of course it will be emotionally charged. Because of this, I’d recommend getting them to meet before the big day.
I’d suggest organising a dinner with the three of you so you can thrash out any issues and hopefully put them to bed.
You could then host a rehearsal dinner shortly before the wedding. It will prove to you that, hopefully, they can act civilly to each other around friends and family, and will diffuse any built up tension before the wedding day.
To put your mind at ease, when it comes to planning your celebrations, I’d organise your schedule to minimise the chances of direct contact between your parents.
One easy change is to make sure they are sat apart. During the ceremony, provide reserved cards for the front two rows and make sure there are at least a couple of people between your mum and dad.
For the meal, if tensions haven’t improved, you could do away with the top table and have a sweetheart table (i.e. one that seats you and your partner only) so that you can enjoy your wedding meal without worry.
We’ve had a few weddings where couples have chosen this option to avoid the drama of family dynamics. The table is in the middle of the room, so you can see everyone, and people can approach you, but you also have a chance to catch up with your spouse!
Or you could opt for a long top table where your parents are seated separately – perhaps with a sibling between them, if you have brothers or sisters?
When it comes to speeches and toasts, I’d suggest a compromise. They could speak together, or if that would cause too much drama, you could flip a coin to see who gets to talk first. If you want to go down the ‘normal’ route, your dad could speak first, or you could say you are bucking tradition by having your mum give the first toast.
In either case, let them know that all speeches will be for five or 10 minutes maximum per speaker and that going over that limit would impact the running of your day.
Sorting all of this in advance of the wedding should ease the stress you feel, but if you feel it would help, consider asking a close family member or friend to help during the wedding day.
They can keep an eye on your parents and be on hand to nip any conflicts in the bud and keep the atmosphere upbeat and happy.
While I imagine most of your friends and family know the situation, it’s worth letting your suppliers and those pivotal to your big day know.
The person marrying you – whether registrar, priest or celebrant – would probably appreciate a head’s up. It avoids them saying something inappropriate and clumsy during the ceremony in case they are blissfully unaware of the situation.
Similarly, let your photographer know so they don’t place your mum and dad too close together during staged shots and they can make sure to get pictures of you individually with each parent. To be honest, it wouldn’t hurt to tell your DJ/videographer/beauty team – just so everyone is aware and awkward conversations can be avoided.
A lot of this will be helped by your wedding co-ordinator, so if you have one, I would trust them to help.
I have organised hundreds of weddings, and I have really appreciated a couple letting me know of any family issues and enlisting my help, whether it is arranging to sit people at the ceremony or looking out for a new partner of a parent to make sure they do not feel left out.
Co-ordinators often encounter complicated dynamics so should be able to help navigate the situation while ensuring you have a wonderful wedding day.
Remember, it is your special day and your parents love and care about you. By addressing the situation with compassion and open discussions, they can put their differences aside and focus on celebrating your love and happiness.
Wishing you a wedding day of many beautiful memories.
Alison
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