James Weir recaps Too Hot To Handle episode 1

An Aussie influencer’s steamy act on one of the world’s raciest reality shows cops a $3,000 fine in Thursday’s series premiere that involves butt licking, motor-boating and repeated declarations of horniness.

The complete third season of Too Hot To Handle has dropped on Netflix and is obviously on par with the streaming giant’s other prestige offerings like Bridgerton and The Crown.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Australia’s reality TV shows have long been hindered by the rigorous guidelines and regulations imposed on free-to-air networks. Because of broadcast standards, shows like Married At First Sight and The Bachelor have been forced to dull their content and not explore edgier topics. OK, fine — there was the toilet toothbrush debacle. Multiple affairs. Countless C-word scandals. And a choking incident. And that sorta-glassing. But apart from that, those shows are vanilla.

Over on Netflix, it’s the wild west. And because Too Hot To Handle is international, it means we’re not just stuck with our own local bogan contestants. We also get bogan contestants from other countries!

The set-up is simple: A bunch of hot people get tricked into signing up to a fake reality show called Paradise Island where they’re told they’ll be able to spend their days hooking up with each other. Then, a few hours after arriving on the island, they’re informed they’ve actually signed up for a show where no sexual acts or kissing are allowed. And if anyone breaks the rules, they’re penalised and the $200,000 prize money is slashed.

To summarise: It’s about horny hot people getting tricked.

Actually, no. My apologies. To simply dub them “horny hot people” is condescending and disrespectful. We should refer to them the way the program’s own voiceover does — as “horned-up hell-raisers”

Let’s meet ‘em!

“I went to private school, and people think I’m gonna be some up-myself girl but I probably got with half the rugby team,” Izzy informs us as she struts down to the beachside meeting spot. “I’ve even gone for some cricketers as well.”

Sounds exhausting. Good thing it was with a sports team, though — they always keep bottles of Gatorade handy. Gotta keep the electrolytes up.

And what’s Izzy looking to get out of this show? Lifelong friends? A chance to challenge both her mental and physical strength? A new, unique experience?

“D*ck,” she states.

Fair enough. It’s the same reason people go on Channel 7’s The Chase.

Then we meet Holly, who’s incredibly self-aware.

“I definitely ooze sexuality when I talk. Even the most basic words,” she says, before dropping her tone into a flirty purr and reciting a list of random everyday objects. “Frying pan. Basil. Coffee.”

Nicely done, Holly — but we’d like to see your superpowers applied to words that we’re all embarrassed to say aloud. Like … wound gauze. Gherkin. Dongle. Phlegm. Built-in underwear. Fungal infection ointment.

The guys on offer are just as impressive as the gals. Take Nathan from Cape Town.

“I’m an international playboy. I’ve literally flown across different countries on a plane just to go have sex with different girls,” he shares. “South Africa. England. Germany. America. Russia. Ukraine. Spain. Sweden.”

Wow. That’s dedication. I’m the complete opposite. If a guy doesn’t fall within a 500m radius of my house on the dating apps, then it’s just not happening.

Nathan goes on to describe the high frequency of his hook-ups. “I’m definitely more of a serial killer dater,” he smiles.

Creepy … yes. But Nathan’s descriptor of “Serial Killer Dater” is really not as bad as some of the screen names being used on dating apps. Just last night, I stumbled across a fine older gentleman with the profile name “Butt Smasher”. We’ll be getting married in the fall.

This show isn’t all superficial sexiness. No way. The producers on Too Hot To Handle have carefully selected a group of people who can offer scintillating conversation and sharp observations about the dynamics of the truly captivating social experiment they’re living through.

“I have my real hair,” some girl called Jaz tells us when we meet her.

Harry from the UK declares he looks like global singing sensation and teen heart-throb Harry Styles. And … sure. He totally looks like Harry Styles …’s dad.

Then we meet Truth. He’s from Texas and his no-fail move to wow the ladies is spinning a basketball on his finger. But he’s hiding a secret. You wanna know the truth about Truth? His real name is Robert.

“‘Ello ya buncha fitties!” a voice screeches down to the beach. It belongs to Beaux, a legal secretary, who wastes no time in revealing something raw and personal.

“I’m not romantic at all. I’m happy with a date at KFC, to be fair,” she shrugs.

When it comes to Patrick from Hawaii, his emotional depth is instantly put on display.

“I’m the world’s best tour guide for single women. I can show you where the dolphins swim in the morning and the turtles sleep at night. And a little sex on the beach,” he whispers.

“If you’re a bee and you’re just right, you’ll get a sweet honey, baby. I always get that sweet honey.”

YES, PATRICK. YES. SHOW ME WHERE THOSE DAMN TURTLES SLEEP!

Next up, Steven. It’s best if we just let him do the talking.

“I’m definitely a wild one. I like to break all the rules. I rip up all my clothes. I’m essentially homeless-looking. Homeless chic,” he brags before dropping his head. “Ah f**k … I sound like a pr**k.”

All reality show contestants should be forced to make this declaration in episode one.

The beautiful thing about this show is that it attracts contestants from around the globe. Even Australia. Representing green and gold on this esteemed program is Queensland’s very own Georgia.

“I flirt with anything and anyone. I am extremely sexual,” she tells us while sauntering through the resort and down to the beach.

“I think guys like that and I think that’s why they get super in love with me,” she continues to divulge. “I love bad boys — a narcissist … that is my type. Australian boys from my area are a bit douchey. They’re jerks. International guys just have the spice that I want. I’m excited to just rip anyone’s clothes off.”

At this point, our demure wallflowers still don’t know they’ve been tricked into a show where they can’t have sex. They’ll be made aware of this small piece of information soon – but we need to give them a few hours to let the tension build. If any sexual acts happen before they’re told about the secret, no cash will be deducted. At least I think that’s the rule. Sorry. I’m just a little distracted by the tour of the villa that looks like it was decorated by every member from the Kmart Mum Hacks group on Facebook.

Like, I’ve actually seen photos on the Kmart Mum Hack Facebook group that show plastic plants hot-glue-gunned onto the bathroom tiles to make a feature wall:

My idea of the ultimate hell? Waking up to find this group of nearly-naked horned-up hell-raisers running into my house while shrieking:

On a show like this, with so many bold personalities and cultures colliding, it can become a little tough to get a true gauge of the nuanced action that’s playing out on screen.

Patrick sums it up for us.

“Everyone’s horny,” he shrugs.

He reveals he’s interested in our Queensland gal Georgia. But so is Harry. And Steven.

Steven’s feelings for Georgia are so potent he’s compelled to express them in Shakespearean prose.

“Georgia’s ass is insane,” he strains his face and bites a knuckle in an attempt to control himself. “I really don’t know what else to say — I wanna bite it.”

Love makes people do crazy things. And when he senses Georgia is flirting with other guys, he devises a plan to get her attention. It takes place at the sexy pirate party.

Everyone’s made play a game where, one-by-one, they stand in front of the group and use a red lipstick to draw a cross on their favourite physical asset. Then anyone can run up and kiss that body part.

This kind of game on this kinda show has the potential to get a little outta hand. But we’re sure everyone will be sensible abou-

Two red crosses get drawn on a pair of boobs and Steven sprints up to … find the buried treasure?

“I kissed and motor-boated Beaux,” he gushes to us. “It maybe made Georgia feel a little jealous.”

But his bold move to get Georgia’s attention backfires when she goes and draws red crosses on her own boobs.

It results in a triple motor-boating. Wow. Now that’s impossible to top, huh?

Wrong. Bloody wrong. It’s just the beginning.

It’s around now the producers decide to tell our horned-up hell-raisers that they’ve been tricked onto a sexless island, where any sexual activity moving forward will cost them. With that announcement, the wind is gone from all sails and the motorboat engines are empty. The mood changes instantly.

Still, not everyone’s scared off by the threats of fines. Georgia came here to let loose and have fun — and she doesn’t care if that prize money fund drains down to zero.

She goes into the bedroom to hang out with Jaz. Both girls are deflated. Then this sadness takes a turn. They declare they’re not going to be told what to do by anyone. And to prove their point? They kiss each other, earning a $3,000 penalty.

That’s the Australian spirit.

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The complete third season of Too Hot To Handle is now streaming on Netflix

Originally published as James Weir recaps Too Hot To Handle 2022 episode 1