When you get to a certain point in a relationship, questions from family and friends about popping the question are inevitable.
Pressure can mount or the shine of an engagement can be dulled by outside judgements, but the key to getting past this is frank conversation with your partner about where things are going and when.
Although there’s naturally a level of secrecy surrounding proposals, it’s not a great sign if it comes completely out of the blue. If you aren’t on the same page before this life-changing decision, this could be a red flag.
Some people may be reluctant to talk about the prospect of engagement as they’re keen to keep up the element of surprise, while others are worried about tangible issues like money.
Some, however, are what we’re calling ‘rock-teases’; who dangle a potential proposal in front of their partner but never actually go through with it.
The rock-tease may mention that they were ‘ready to propose’ to deflect during an argument where they’re in the wrong, or suggest that they would pop the question if their partner ‘nagged’ or ‘pushed the issue’ less (but they have no real plans to do so).
It’s essentially a manipulation tactic, either to control the partner’s behaviour or put off commitment using false hope – like waving a carrot in front of a mule to make it walk but never letting it eat.
Psychotherapist Noel McDermott describes rock-teasing as a ‘pretty toxic trait’ that may be caused by attachment issues or even abuse in childhood.
He tells Metro.co.uk: ‘When people have attachment disorders for example, they may overcommit then back off due to becoming scared.
‘It’s also possible that it’s a deliberate control mechanism fitting more into the range of behaviours understood as coercive control.’
But even when it’s unintentional, this bait and switch can seriously damage a relationship.
‘The victim of this behaviour will experience this behaviour as cruel, and indeed any form of inconsistency is cruel,’ Noel explains.
‘There is a common phrase used for a range of behaviours like this in relationships called “come here get lost” and being on the receiving end is confusing and frightening, almost like a form of gaslighting the victim, who can then end up questioning their grip on reality.’
Broken promises are no way to build a solid partnership – especially when it’s a pattern designed to downplay your needs.
There’s a gendered aspect at play here too, as proposals in heterosexual relationships are traditionally the responsibility of the man.
Women are expected to wait for the next step, which gives men the upper hand from the off. Alongside societal expectations that place stigma on a woman doing the asking, they may fear being labelled as ‘pushy’ for expressing their desires.
Beth Montemurro, a professor of sociology at Penn State University, told the New York Times: ‘Women don’t want to be seen as less feminine, or too sexual or coming on too strong. And there’s a concern for men about being publicly emasculated.’
Rock-teasing feeds off of these stereotypes, offering leverage which a toxic partner can exploit.
According to Noel, a couple can only get past behaviour like this when the perpetrator recognises and stops it.
‘They have to seek help if it’s psychogenic through attachment issues or previous abuse,’ he explains. ‘It’s not at all acceptable.’
Noel adds: ‘The victim will need space to work through and repair any problems caused to them in their self-esteem or to their wellbeing.
‘Secure stable loving relationships are the core of our sense of wellbeing. If our love relationship is insecure and unpredictable, we will suffer.’
Your partner is supposed to boost you up and bring out the best in you, not taunt you and put you down. So if you’re on the receiving end of a rock-tease, it may be worth considering whether you actually want to commit to them.
Set out whether you want marriage and when you’d reasonably like it to happen. Depending on your partner’s actions after this discussion, you’ll have a clearer picture of their intentions.
Then, there’s no ambiguity over what you need and the decision is in their hands – and if you’re still being goaded with false promises, make like Beyoncé and tell them if they liked it then they should have put a ring on it.
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