Is it okay to fantasise about someone else when you’re in bed with your partner?

A new survey by lesbian dating app, HER, found that its users aren’t necessarily fantasising about their partners when they masturbate – whether that be by themselves, or while enjoying some mutual self-pleasure.

Over half – 56.4% said they were ‘thinking about someone they know’ – while just 30.3% were thinking about their partner.

This isn’t specific to mutual masturbation either – numerous studies have shown that both men and women sometimes fantasise about other people while having sex.

But, is that an okay thing to do when you’re in a relationship?

Is it okay to fantasise about someone else while sleeping with your partner?

The truth is, it’s completely fine (and normal!) to fantasise about someone else, even when you’re sleeping with a partner, but there are some things to consider.

‘When fantasies about someone else exist in your mind and you don’t intend to act upon them it’s okay’, says sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits.

‘This is not cheating and it doesn’t mean that you don’t fancy and love your partner.’

However, she adds: ‘If you know that you would rather be with the person you’re fantasising about, and you’re wishing you weren’t with your partner, this isn’t okay because you might be using fantasy to perpetuate staying a relationship that you don’t truly want.’ 

Also, if you find yourself relying on your fantasies to get off every time, it may be that you’re using your fantasies as a ‘sticking plaster’.

‘In this instance, it’s useful to consider what else could improve and enhance your pleasure together and work on solving any sexual issues in the relationship,’ says Rhian.

Why do people fantasise about others?

If you’re clear on the fact you love your partner and want to be with them, it’s probably not helpful to over analyse your sexual fantasies. We aren’t robots, and you can’t help it if you find yourself attracted to your barista, coworker, or next door neighbour.

For the most part, it’s probably nothing more than helping you get turned on. 

‘For many people, fantasy heightens arousal and distracts them from thoughts that could potentially turn them off,’ says Rhian.

‘Fantasy is a very normal aspect of human sexuality and people who embrace this are often more sexually open, expressive and at peace with their sexual self.’

Should you tell your partner about your fantasies?

Only you know your partner well enough to know whether or not sharing your fantasies, especially about someone you know IRL, will help or harm your relationship.

That said, Rhian says, ‘It can also add spice to the bedroom for couples who enjoy sharing their fantasies about other people together.’

However, she hastens to add, ‘you are entitled to your fantasies and you don’t have to share everything you fantasise about with your partner.

‘If you do decide to share, only go as far as you are comfortable, because you are entitled to your privacy.’

And finally, remember that fantasies are both normal and not actually indicative of what you want in real life. 

‘The realm of fantasy can often be much more varied, vibrant and extreme than a person’s regular sexual repertoire,’ says Rhian.

‘In fact, many people fantasise about sex acts or partners they’d never desire in the real world.  

‘As long as you are able to discern the line between fantasy and reality, you are in the relationship you want and you are enjoying a healthy, fulfilling sex life, it’s all good.’ 

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