When you grow up in an environment where you need to be constantly on the lookout for danger – an abusive household, for example, or even just an erratic one – it’s understandable why you might be hypervigilant in adulthood, too.
‘Hypervigilance often refers to a heightened state of awareness in screening for threat,’ clinical psychologist Dr Gemma Harris tells Metro.co.uk.
‘It is an important safety strategy for survival,’ she continues, ‘hence it may be considered quite adaptive when in a high risk situation.’
However, when hypervigilance remains in situations where it isn’t necessarily functional, such as in a loving relationship, and when it becomes chronic rather than acute, it’s likely to be an indicator of ‘unresolved trauma and ongoing anxiety,’ Dr Gemma adds.
How can hypervigilance impact relationships?
Vigilance, says Dr Gemma, is a ‘safety behaviour designed to alert us to threat’ – but hypervigilance can easily distort our perception of events, causing them to seem more threatening than they really are.
If you believe that you are constantly under threat, be it physical or emotional, you become prone to confirmation bias, she adds, meaning that we ‘more readily look for evidence that confirms our existing beliefs’. This can also mean we misinterpret evidence, too.
In friendships and romantic relationships alike, this can manifest in one seeking reassurance, being highly analytical, controlling or even rejecting.
How someone expresses their hypervigilance – clinginess vs pushing people away – will depend on their individual coping strategies.
Hypervigilance, then, ‘puts any relationship under a giant magnifying glass,’ says Dr Gemma, ‘with any weaknesses, faults or oversights being quickly spotted and analysed.’
For a partner or friend, she continues, this constant scrutiny can be intense and exhausting.
‘The relationship may lack the comfortable buffer of compassion and understanding that we associate with healthy relationships,’ says Dr Gemma.
‘It can feel that relationships are in a perpetual fragile state, and the other person may experience “walking on eggshells” or having to validate or justify their choices frequently.
‘Ultimately, this can push others away and be self sabotaging.’
She adds that people with hypervigilance are so busy fighting their own demons that they lose sight of what needs to be negotiated in the relationship: ‘the risk is that they end up in a reactive dynamic rather than actively and consciously co-creating the relationships they desire.’
How to stop letting hypervigilance get in the way of relationships
Increase your awareness
It’s important to practise self-awareness in order to learn how hypervigilance shows up for you.
Are there certain triggers, for example? Or do you find yourself pushing people away over small issues?
‘Consider keeping a daily note to begin with,’ says Dr Gemma.
‘Awareness can help you get a sense of how present the problem is as well as how much it impacts your interactions.’
Evaluate the impact
At one point, hypervigilance was a necessary and adaptive coping strategy for you. but it’s important to consider whether it is still serving you in the same way.
‘This is often at the heart of trauma work,’ Dr Gemma says.
‘If you are still hypervigilant towards your loyal best friend or a stable partner, then maybe this is a strategy that is more damaging than helpful.
‘That said, if your partner has repeatedly cheated and gaslighted you, then vigilance might be totally adaptive to that situation.’
Get to the heart of the threat
‘If you don’t already know, ask yourself what is the ultimate fear you are trying to manage,’ says Dr Gemma.
It could be abandonment, shame, judgement, rejection – anything.
‘If you can understand what is the core fear you’re trying to protect yourself from, you can start to think of other ways to protect or reassure yourself that might be more adaptive,’ she continues.
It’s important to remember, as Dr Gemma notes, that your core fears ‘may be as much about your relationship with yourself as they are about your relationship with others.’
‘For example,’ she continues, ‘those that don’t feel good enough about themselves often assume that they won’t be valued by others.’
Bring your threat system down
‘Anxiety can spiral easily, and hypervigilance is on the most wanted list for pouring gasoline on the anxiety fire,’ says Dr Gemma.
When you can feel yourself over-analysing a situation and becoming anxious, it’s important to do anything that can make you feel calm.
‘Think sleep, relaxation, mindfulness, self-soothing, positive affirmations and connecting to the outdoors,’ she adds.
Do the work
Finally, if your hypervigilance is impacting your relationships, and your wellbeing in general, it’s important to dig deeper to find out where it’s coming from in order to stop.
‘Sometimes we can do the self-reflection and revaluation at home, without professional support,’ says Dr Gemma.
‘However, if there is known trauma or these core threats just aren’t budging, then it may be time to seek professional help.’
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