‘I’m wired differently’: What it feels like to be polyamorous and how couples make it work
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Self Improved, Problem Solved
Elise Wandering Hummingbird, a 32-year-old massage therapist, had an inkling she was polyamorous at a young age. A former Jehovah’s Witness, however, the Seattle resident didn’t settle into her identity for some time.
“As a kid, when I had crushes, I always had crushes on multiple people,” she says. “It was never like, ‘I have a crush on one person, I fixate on that one person.'” A TED Talk introduced her to the possibilities a polyamorous life had to offer.
“I’m not broken. I’m not a cheater. I’m not this person that has bad morals. I’m literally just wired differently,” she says.
Contrary to popular belief, polyamory is not an antidote for wandering eyes in a relationship. Polyamorous relationships are built on the utmost trust, often involving specific rules, synced calendars and strict communication – and no, not all polyamorous people are interested in dating every person they meet, among other common misconceptions.
“A lot of people we meet kind of assume that we want to sleep with them,” says Daniel Wolf says of his polyamorous relationship with Dana Hobson. Hobson adds: “I’m just so interested in deeply getting to know someone. If that becomes sexual, great. That’s just like a deeper version of a friendship to me that would happen over time.”
What does polyamorous mean?
Polyamory means “multiple loves” – a word coined in the late 20th century, with Greek and Latin roots.
“It usually describes a particular approach to (consensual non-monogamy) that prioritizes ongoing emotional and sexual connections with multiple partners,” Sheila Addison, a family and marriage therapist, previously told USA TODAY.
About one in six Americans wants to try polyamory, according to research from Amy Moors, assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and research fellow with the Kinsey Institute. One in nine have already had polyamorous relationships.
Remember that polyamorous people don’t want to erase monogamy. “The goal is for everyone to know what options they have in relationships and being able to kind of customize and tailor them and be able to honestly express their desires to their partner or partners,” says Leanne Yau, polyamory expert.
‘A never-ending experiment’
Hobson and Wolf, social media stars behind “The Poly Couple,” have figured out polyamory as they’ve gone along. “It feels like it’s a never-ending experiment, because it’s not really societally accepted yet,” Hobson says. They were monogamous for eight years and have spent about the same amount of time now dating other people. They mostly date separately but have gone on dates together, too.
“It’s hard enough to fall in love with another person,” Hobson says, “let alone both of us fall in love with the same person.”
Kitchen-table polyamory and more terms explained
There are many different terms associated with polyamory, including:
- Consensual or ethical non-monogamy. These terms are synonymous and ways to describe polyamorous relationships. Polyamory is a type of consensual non-monogamy, per Psychology Today.
- Solo polyamory. This is when “polyamorists have multiple relationships but do not become intertwined with the other people,” Adrienne Davis, founder & co-director of the Law & Culture Initiative at Washington University in St. Louis School of Law, previously told USA TODAY.
- Kitchen-table polyamory. A family-like bond between partners is encouraged. The web of all these relationships is referred to as a “polycule.”
The boundaries of these terms aren’t cut and dry. Wandering Hummingbird, for example, doesn’t have a primary partner right now but is open to it. She’s used to kitchen-table polyamory and wants everyone to get along. While jealousy comes into play like in any relationship, it’s just something to talk about if and when it comes up.
Alyssa McDonald and Qaid Jivan, the polyamorous couple behind @PolyPopCulture, have an anchored polyamorus relationship. “We live together and are each other’s ‘primary partners,’ but also explore romantic and sexual relationships with others – ranging from one-night stands to year-long loving relationships,” the pair shared in a statement.
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What makes polyamory different
Because polyamorous people may indeed be having sex with a wider variety of partners, consent and sexual history are discussed regularly and upfront. STI rates for poly couples are the same as monogamous couples, too.
Still, not every connection may turn sexual. Part of what differentiates polyamory from the broader ethical non-monogamy umbrella is an emotional connection.
It also requires careful planning. That’s where Google Calendar or other services come in handy.
“It’s just like scheduling anything else in your life, kid care or, board game nights, or anything else like that, except for you’re taking into consideration multiple people’s schedules,” Elise Wandering Hummingbird says.
Maybe polyamory would work for you and maybe it wouldn’t. But just because it’s not for you doesn’t mean you should disparage the practice, especially without learning about it.
In case you missed: Willow Smith details her lifestyle on ‘Red Table Talk’: What you should know about polyamory
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