How do I get my other half more interested in planning our wedding? I love him to bits but he’s being really hands off and I need more help.
There’s so much to organise and I don’t think he realises what a massive undertaking this is. I’ve tried telling him I could do with some more feedback from him, but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. I know wedding planning often comes with a gender imbalance but this is ridiculous!
Did you have the same when you got married? So many of my friends say it’s just something they put up with – but I’m tearing my hair out.
Any advice would be much appreciated!
Lucy
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Dear Lucy,
Be assured that your problem is common, and you are not alone in planning a wedding solo.
I know how overwhelming it can be to sit down in front of a neverending wedding to-do list – especially when your partner is not pulling their weight. You don’t know where to start; chasing RSVPs, dietary requirements, table sizes, readings, playlists, guest accommodation.
As a bride, you will never get to the point where anyone else is taking on as much of the planning as you are – and I think, while frustrating, it’s helpful to accept that.
Try and revel in the fact that you have creative control and design the wedding you want. If your partner is not taking on his fair share, fine – do things your way.
What I would recommend, to help ease the burden, is that you delegate tasks (Picture: AKP Branding Stories)
I remember a bride arrived at our venue a few years ago for her wedding, and as soon as she sat down, she exasperated: ‘he has done absolutely nothing planning this wedding’.
I remember telling her to embrace the freedom to do what she wanted, and you know what? Her wedding was beautiful and her attention to detail was brilliant. She clearly had an excellent eye for design and creating a stunning wedding.
Once you are married, you will have the rest of your life to compromise, so enjoy the control you have now. Take action to make decisions about what you would like, and that you feel are a reflection of both your personalities and what you enjoy.
However, that does not mean you should let your partner off of the hook. What I would recommend, to help ease the burden, is that you delegate tasks. As much as you probably want him to show some initiative, you might have to give him a list and trust him to get on with it.
When deciding who does what, I would consider the following
Firstly, what tasks do you want to be in control of? Make sure that you get to take the lead on lots of fun decisions – like colour schemes, choosing the suppliers, and cake tasting – amongst the more boring admin.
Then think about the aspects you want to plan together. This could include deciding on the vows, which readings you want, who you want to be part of your ceremony, the food tasting, who should appear in the photos, and the table plan.
Now you can start delegating to your future husband. He can be in charge of organising the groom and groomsmen outfits, buying the thank you gifts, booking the evening entertainment, organising the cars to and from the ceremony, and planning the honeymoon.
I know you don’t want to feel like a parent, but I’d write out a list and set a deadline for a couple of weeks later where you can catch up on where you both are at with tasks (if you’re worried that he won’t actually fulfil them).
Firstly, what tasks do you want to be in control of? (Credits: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
The burden of wedding planning doesn’t just need to fall on both of your shoulders though. Part of being in the bridal party is accepting there will be work that needs doing.
So think of some tasks you can split with your bridesmaids. Any DIY projects could be done with them – like making your own favours or invitations – and you can all get together and have a fun (stress-relieving) time making them.
Make sure that you are transparent with your partner about your expectations
Lastly, consider roping in your mum and future mother-in-law. Could they help you with picking out your dress, with choosing the flowers, or with table centerpieces?
While you’ll still be taking the lead, handing out responsibilities this way can at least help the to-do list seem a bit more manageable.
When I was planning our wedding, my husband-to-be lived in Cuba, where it’s not customary to have weddings of the scale we do in the UK. Instead, it’s a simple ceremony with the signing of papers.
I hope you know you are not alone in this dilemma (Picture: Getty Images)
Every time we spoke, I asked his advice on details of the wedding. He often needed help understanding our traditions and as a result wasn’t as forthcoming with suggestions.
At first, I felt a little frustrated, before I used my judgment to plan the wedding, which was a reflection of our interests and the countries we both came from. Ultimately though, I made most of the decisions.
Every detail was how I wanted it and I loved the freedom I had. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I roped in my bridesmaids and mum to help.
Every relationship is unique, but I hope you know you are not alone in this dilemma.
My top tip is to make sure that throughout the process you are transparent with your partner about your expectations and try to be patient with him when he’s not doing his share of the work.
I’m sure, whatever you decide, it will be a beautiful wedding day.
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