A few weeks ago, following one too many glasses of wine, a friend of mine confessed that she watches porn in secret.
This person, let’s call her Bea, waits until her boyfriend leaves the house to enjoy her favourite clip, because she’s worried about how he might react if he knew about her viewing habits.
Although I was surprised by her admission, Bea is far from the only woman who has divulged something like this to me.
As a journalist who specialises in sex and relationships, I can tell you that shame around watching porn is very common, often because people fear how others will react to their desires or what their preferences say about them, especially if they differ from the accepted norm (like watching threesomes versus getting off to a clip of someone farting – both of which are just fine).
While it’s ‘normal’ to think like this, it could negatively impact your sex life or how you feel about yourself.
Let me start by sharing my own experience.
As a millennial, I grew up in an era where ‘dirty’ magazines and photos were passed around among boys at school and the phrase ‘two girls, one cup’ has been seared into my mind for eternity (if you don’t get the reference, do yourself a favour – don’t Google it).
I was a teenager the first time I watched porn. The guy I was dating, who was more experienced in bed, suggested it and chose the film: a ‘gangbang’ scenario.
The scene was set in a bar where three women did their utmost to please multiple sexual partners. The clip was on for three minutes before I told my partner to turn it off.
I’m sure his intentions were good but all I saw were men treating women like ragdolls. There’s nothing wrong with this fantasy in itself (I would never shame someone’s kink) but it was obvious that they weren’t enjoying it.
They were just objects in a movie made for the male gaze.
I was so horrified by the experience that I didn’t watch porn for eight years, until I gave it another go – once again, with a male partner, after he suggested it.
This time, the scene featured a more sensual scenario of two women playing with each other and yet it all seemed so fake that I quickly became bored.
By this stage, you must be wondering why I’m recommending that you watch porn with a partner, right? Stick with me, I promise there’s a happy ending – pun fully intended.
In the last few years, views on sex (and women) have changed dramatically. Finally, people understand that there’s no such thing as a slut; we all have the right to orgasm, masturbate and f**k (or not, if that’s your jam) to our heart’s content.
As a sexually liberated person who has spent the past 10 years championing women’s right to having a great time in bed without judgement, I too have felt embarrassed about parts of my sex life, porn watching included.
But thanks to this cultural shift and learning about new, emerging porn made for women, a few years ago, I decided to give it one final hurrah.
I was at home by myself and gently dipped a toe in by writing the words ‘romantic sex’ in the search bar of a female-friendly site, spending the next 20 minutes watching a couple devour each other in different positions.
It was glorious because I could see that both of them were into it. At last, this was sex on equal ground. It was also the first time I’d been turned on by porn.
Over time, I ventured into other categories until I found my favourites and discovered that it occasionally helped me get to the big ‘O’ when my brain was distracted by the day’s stress. I’ve never been a huge consumer of porn – I like to dip in and out – but it was fun exploring this new side of myself.
After, I suggested watching porn with a new partner. Finally armed with knowledge of what works for me, I felt confident and comfortable with the idea and my enthusiasm rubbed off on him.
I also took control: this time, I picked the film. Though I did ask him what he likes and I urge you to do the same. We had a great time.
It wasn’t really about the porn in itself but more so about the excitement of sharing this moment and talking about our fantasies. It felt naughty, sexy and intimate.
Beyond simply spicing things up, porn can also serve as a method of communication. If you want to try something new but the idea of uttering the words is too awkward, why not show your other half what you’re after?
All of this being said, there’s no shying away from the elephant in the room and that elephant must be acknowledged: porn can be, and often is, problematic.
From underage actors being abused or trafficked, to deepfake, revenge porn, ‘extreme pornography’ (legally classified by categories such as necrophilia and bestiality) and violence against women, there’s a lot to tackle.
However, we should also recognise that the adult industry has (in small part, so far) evolved, much of it thanks to women producers taking the helm and supplying ethically-made products that are designed for all genders, and feature ‘real’ bodies and realistic scenarios.
The desire for consuming these products, whether audio, visual or the latest big trend, VR, isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. Research that I myself analysed on behalf of the sex toy company LELO in 2022 showed that four in 10 Brits enjoy porn regularly.
If you feel nervous about talking to your partner about watching porn, I would recommend edging into the topic instead of going in head-on.
You could mention a clip that you’ve heard about and see how they respond (most people are naturally curious) or why not write a list of your individual fantasies and share this with each other? That way, you don’t even have to say the words out loud.
You could even show them this article and ask what they think (I promise I’m not promoting myself).
The most important thing to remember is that your partner’s reaction is not a reflection of who you are.
Some of us like watching other people have sex – there’s nothing wrong with that. So if porn offers you pleasure, try not to attach shame to it.
So go on, watch a so-called ‘dirty’ movie with someone else. I dare you.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
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