‘I thought sex would be like medicine if I got my hands on it’: Meet the widows (and widowers) craving human touch

When Lori* started dating less than a year after her husband suddenly died, she knew some people would judge her.

And they did.

She recalled the reactions: “Whoa, why isn’t she grieving longer? Did she even really love her husband?”

Lori didn’t allow the judgment to faze her. She filled out an online dating profile and started meeting men.

“I needed to be distracted,” she said. “I dated different guys, but I didn’t get serious about anyone and I wasn’t intimate with them. It was just really nice to have some touch, like holding hands — even having someone show me attention. I missed that.”

Julia*, the founder and host of Widow’s Fire, an online community for people who have lost their life partners, said that many of her members make similar comments about their motivation for joining the site for “heartbroken but hopeful” widows and widowers.

“A new member wrote me just this morning and said, ‘I miss the closeness of another body, not necessarily the sex act itself,’” said Julia.

She noted, though, that there are also plenty of Widow’s Fire members who joined the community because they simply miss sex.

Five years ago, when she was 31, Julia’s husband died. That’s when she first heard the term “widow’s fire,” which is defined by the community as “a burning desire for sex following bereavement of a spouse or partner.”

“When friends and family asked how I was doing, I would say ‘I’m OK’ or ‘I’m struggling,’ but what I was actually thinking most of the time was, ‘I miss sex,’ ‘I wish I could have sex’ or ‘When will someone ever touch me again?’” said Julia. “It was all-consuming. I thought sex would be like medicine if I could get my hands on it.”

Julia said there was a decent level of support for her as a grieving widow and a parent of a newborn, but there was a dearth of resources when it came to bereavement sex.

And, like Lori, she felt she was being judged for wanting it.

“I had someone say to me, ‘Don’t you want to wait a couple of years?’” she said. “And I thought, ‘How lovely for you to be able to sit there and say that to me and then go on with their day.’”

Dionne Gesink, a professor with the Dalla Lana School of Public Health at the University of Toronto, said the experience of grief is highly individual. For some people, bereavement has no effect on their sex drive; for others, it can decrease it. For others still, it will increase it, sometimes dramatically.

“Partly that’s because, with sex, you get an increased sense of power and control,” said Gesink, who also researches sexual health. “It’s a way to get back into your body and to get access to great hormones like endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin, which make you feel better, block pain, decrease stress and improve your mood.”

And, Gesink added, human connection can help you feel less disconnected, a common problem for people grieving a loss.

“Loneliness is kryptonite for the widowed in general because, not unlike teenagers and retirees, we need meaning and purpose to move forward,” said Andrew*, a 42-year-old father and widower in Toronto who joined the Widow’s Fire community two years ago.

He added, however, that his interactions with others he has met on social media and through Widow’s Fire have led him to believe that sex alone doesn’t bring most people much long-term relief.

“I find value in my faith and my child along with our family and friends,” he said.

That tracks with Gesink’s research on sexual health. Touch is essential for human existence, which is part of the reason the loss of an intimate partner can be so devastating. Sex can alleviate some of the suffering but, when it comes to healing, it can only get you so far.

That doesn’t mean that sex can’t play a role, of course. Some people have a harder time than others being alone, so everyone’s journey will be different. Gesink said it’s important that friends and family stay “flexible” in their thinking about moving on after bereavement.

“Anyone going through that kind of grief should just try to be kind to themselves and to give themselves permission to explore different ways of connecting to others,” said Gesink.

“You shouldn’t have to carry guilt around for that.”

*Last name withheld.

SHARE: