‘I have to cover up bruises and cuts, but I can’t leave my violent girlfriend’

Last week we helped a woman with a boyfriend of nine years who refuses to commit.

This year we have a man who is trapped in an abusive relationship with a violent girlfriend who leaves him with bruises and cuts.

He says that most of the time she is lovely and she often apologises with gifts and love, but does this excuse her behaviour?

Let’s see what the experts think…

The problem:

On the surface, my girlfriend of two years is quite a catch. She is good looking with a great figure, can be funny and charming, and is fantastic in bed.

The problem is, she has another side that people don’t see. She can be violent and abusive towards me, to the point where I have to cover up the cuts and bruises. She normally has these temper tantrums when she’s been drinking but sometimes her outbursts come out of the blue – such as when something hasn’t gone her way or she is stressed. I’m never violent in return. I just protect myself and try to calm her down.

She’s always apologetic afterwards and writes little love notes or buys me gifts to make up. Her parents have always spoilt her and she has grown up having everything she wants, when she wants it. She’s an only child who has been treated like a princess all her life.

I don’t mean to make her sound awful, because she’s lovely a lot of the time. Recently she has suggested we get a place together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. My mates think she’s toxic and I should leave her but I don’t want to give up.

What the experts say:

One third of domestic violence victims are male, so try gender-flipping this.

‘If a female friend told you her funny and charming boyfriend was repeatedly assaulting her, what would you say?’ asks James McConnachie. ‘I doubt you’d explain it’s the fault of the parents who spoilt him, or that an apology and gift helped make it worthwhile.’

The sad fact is that few abusers change and Dr Angharad Rudkin is very concerned. ‘She might be a dream girlfriend sometimes but being hit by your partner is never acceptable,’ she says. ‘Her inability to manage stress is exacerbated by those making excuses for her. Please don’t be one of them.’

It sounds like your girlfriend’s apologies are simply ways of regaining your love so she can abuse you again.

‘What she is doing is controlling and abusive behaviour,’ says Rudkin. ‘You need to leave the relationship until she has received help or maybe even for good.’

In the meantime, if you are feeling unsafe, you should call the police.

‘You probably hope she’ll change,’ says McConnachie. ‘Maybe as a man you feel you should be able to cope with a few bruises but that’s not true. The deeper injuries are to your own self-worth’.