This week, we hear from a woman who’s questioning whether she’s ever really known her boyfriend, after finding him in bed with a male friend.
Despite her hearing ‘sex noises’ before entering the room, her other half says he’s not gay. Does it matter? Is the trust broken regardless?
Before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, where a woman hired a private detective to spy on her cheating husband…
The problem
I recently discovered that my live-in boyfriend of three years has a secret gay side, when I caught him in bed with another man.
Ever since I’ve known him, one particular friend has hung around with us. This friend never seems to have a woman in his life and even though I’ve tried to fix him up, it never ends well. He has always seemed happy being the third wheel, and I’ve grown used to having him around.
He stays over at our place regularly, especially when I’m not there. But last weekend, the friend I was due to stay with felt ill, and I ended up coming home. I tried to call my boyfriend to tell him what had happened, but he didn’t answer his phone.
To my horror, I came home to the sound of ‘sex noises’ coming from our bedroom. I flew up the stairs and threw open the door, expecting to find my boyfriend with another woman. Instead, I found him and his mate in bed together.
They were mortified and my boyfriend tried to tell me it was a drunken one off. I struggle to accept that as I know how close they have been for years, but he is desperate for me to believe him and forgive this ‘one’ mad moment. He has sworn to me that he isn’t really gay.
I don’t want to throw everything away by kicking him out, but at the same time I’m freaked out by the idea that he isn’t who I thought he was.
Laura says…
As your instincts are telling you, this is unlikely to have been a one off. If your boyfriend has gay feelings, then no matter how much he says he has never done it before, or promises not to do it again, it’s very unlikely that he’ll be able to forgo gay affairs for the rest of his life. If you have been happy together until now, he’s almost certainly bi-sexual.
Don’t blame yourself or see it as a reflection on your desirability. If your boyfriend has the potential to enjoy sex with both men and women, that’s part of his nature which he is powerless to change. But be wary of any idea that you might share him; assuming you wouldn’t share him with another woman, don’t agree to share him with a guy.
If you don’t believe his excuses, a split may be the best way forward.
This has been a shock, but you’ve enjoyed a good relationship until now and the things that first attracted you are still part of the person your boyfriend is. Break ups are painful but keep the lines of communication open. When you eventually come to terms with what’s happened, you might find your lover could become one of your closest friends.
Three years is a lot to throw away and talking it over with a counsellor might help.
Laura Collins is a counsellor and columnist.
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