Do you get the impression that all your children’s teachers absolutely dread talking to you?
Does the sight of your kid feeling even mild stress send an icy chill down your spine?
Do you find yourself doing most of their homework for them rather than letting them figure it out?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you might be a bulldozer parent.
This term is used to refer to parents who go way too far to make sure their kids have an easy time of it, effectively bulldozing into challenging situations and smoothing things out even – while they may not realise it at the time – to the detriment of the children’s development.
It can take the form of, for example, constantly complaining to teachers about your kid’s grades being lower than you would like, or filling out their university application for them instead of with them.
Psychotherapist Noel McDermott says not having their needs met straight away is a vital thing for kids as they develop from babies who naturally have all their needs met in the womb, to children who learn to communicate what they need, to adults who have the autonomy to handle those needs effectively.
‘Graduated disappointment of the child’s needs being met is what stimulates linguistic, cognitive, physical, relational etc. development,’ he explains.
‘This remains true throughout life. Over-care or bulldozing obstacles for someone will disable their development.
‘Removing blocks from your child has the psychological effect of creating avoidance of stressors thereby removing the opportunity to learn how to deal with them early in life whilst their minds and brains are flexible and adaptable.
‘Understanding your role as a parent is to support your child emotionally to learn their own strategies to overcome obstacles is key. You are the emotional safe place where they can get comfort, recharge and try again.’
Of course, it’s also your job as a parent to guide your children as they learn and grow – so how can we tell when our guidance is turning into railroading?
Noel says striking that balance is about ‘understanding your own emotional process as a parent.’
He outlines three questions to ask yourself:
- ‘Are you acting to deal with your own difficult feelings of fear, embarrassment or status? If yes it’s better to stop and think.
- ‘Does your child have specific impairments or issues that have been diagnosed by a professional saying they can’t achieve a specific task? If not why would you do it for them?
- ‘Has your child asked for help with the specific issue? If not why would you do it for them?’
Another factor is making sure you understand the difference between short and long term achievements.
‘Bulldozing is a short-term solution that creates a long-term problem,’ Noel explains.
‘It creates a vicious cycle of unhealthy need and dependency.
‘Whereas thinking not about the short-term stressor (getting the university application in, for example) but the longer-term developmental goal of nurturing a well-rounded human with skills for life will create a virtuous circle of growth.’
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