How to get back to having sex when you are just too exhausted

Life can be busy and all consuming, with tiredness like a shadow that follows many of us every hour of the day. And when fatigue sets in, sex drops off.

There’s nothing wrong with having the odd dry spell, whether you’re single or in a relationship. But just like how exercise can reenergize you, sex can too.

Being intimate with a partner also lowers stress levels and can prevent feelings of loneliness. So, how do you fight the fatigue and get back to it?

First off, according to LELO’s sex expert, Kate Moyle, you’ll feel better if you acknowledge that this is a very common problem.

‘The modern world and our current working culture is very productivity focused, with a real lack of focus on rest, this catches up with us in every area of our lives and sex is not exempt,’ she tells Metro.co.uk

‘We are also constantly in touch and being notified by our devices, which can interrupt our downtime, distract us and take our attention in other directions. This means that we don’t have such clear cut boundaries between work and home.’

Kate notes that when it comes to sex, being in the right headspace is everything. Unfortunately, because of the 21st century distractions she describes, our ability to switch our minds off is increasingly impeded.

‘I often describe it as switching off to run on,’ she adds. ‘It is what helps us to focus our attention on our physical sensations and be in the moment sexually. This helps us to build desire, arousal, connection and pleasure.

‘Distraction is a huge interruptor of all of these things. Many of us also have our phones and devices in bed with us and they are our last interactions at night before we go to sleep.

‘My first piece of advice is to turn them onto do not disturb and use this time in bed to connect with our partners.’

Routine and planning

It may not sound like the sexiest of activities, but to rejig your sex life, some planning and tweaking is needed.

‘If you are noticing that the end of the day isn’t working for you in terms of sex, because you’re getting into bed and all you can think about is sleep, then try and change your sexual routine a bit,’ Kate advises.

‘Our nighttime routine, whether it be brushing our teeth and washing our faces, is all part of a winding down process. It may not suit the feeling for sex. Getting ready for intimacy can then feel like an odd gear change, especially if you are someone who experiences desire in a more responsive way.

‘So try and build sex into your routine. For example, once you have put the kids to bed, or before you eat your dinner, or as soon as you get back from work. This allows you to prioritise sex at other times that feel less conflicting with sleep. Most people have sex in bed at night out of habit, and sometimes we just need to consciously shift our way of doing things.’

Meanwhile, working to incorporate sex before your night routine can actually help you in the long run.

‘Orgasms release neurochemicals which can have a positive influence on sleep,’ Kate explains.

‘As you begin to change the routine, be mindful of your thoughts. Be open to a new experience and give yourself a chance to allow desire to be triggered. If we think sex is taking away from sleep, we become closed off.

‘This can be helped by some basic mindfulness techniques, like focusing on the senses. Otherwise, when you are preoccupied by the idea that sex is preventing your sleep, you are less likely to be fully satisfied by the sexual experience, and this can have a detrimental effect on desire.’

Finally, Kate says to have an open and frank discussion with your partner about your sex life, but remember to avoid playing the blame game.

‘Talk from your personal position, so using “I” statements,’ she advises. ‘When we use language like “you,” your partner can feel blamed which is likely to shut down the conversation.

‘Talk about what you like about your sex life, or what you’re missing. Ask them how they are feeling and be open and prepared to listen. Sex is a mutual experience and you need to also hear their side of the story.

‘If you don’t know where to start the conversation you can always share an article or podcast episode and use it as a springboard to start the conversation. Then build from there.’

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