When you’re in a long-term relationship, and are so familiar with one another, it’s inevitable that some conversations will lead to bickering.
But when you’re constantly around one another and nothing seems to be going right, there can be times when every single chat turns into an argument about who said or did what.
It can be frustrating when even attempts to fix the current situation turn into an fight about whether you’ve even been arguing too much, or who is the main culprit and who shouldn’t have to apologise.
These are the times when communication becomes paramount.
‘Bickering with your partner from time to time is not unusual. In fact, it can be healthy for partners to disagree,’ says Stina Sanders, a psychotherapist who specialises in relationships.
‘Some couples will bicker about small things such as who didn’t take the bins out, and it’s this type of bickering that can simply be a reaction to temporary stress or a harmless little habit that has developed over time.
‘However, bickering that involves not sticking to the topic and therefore spiralling into a bigger argument, and not finding a resolution – even if it’s just agreeing to drop it – is a sign that the conversation has turned toxic.’
How to communicate with your partner when you can’t stop bickering
Senior therapist Sally Baker notes that bickering can easily become your default mode of communication with your partner, and cutting it out of your dynamic – at least to a normal degree – will take a lot more than playing the blame game.
‘You’ll need to be willing to be a detective of your own psychology to discover the dynamic behind how you speak to each other and when the bickering began,’ she explains.
‘You’ll also have to decide whether you want this to change or not.’
If the answer is “yes,” try these tips to communicate your way out of your relationship rut.
Ask questions instead of reacting
A lot of pointless arguments can be avoided by simply not jumping to conclusions.
‘Before you react defensively to something your partner has said to you, ask them some more questions,’ says Stina.
This could help you to understand why your partner said one thing or did another.
Next time your partner does something that causes smoke to come out of your ears, try saying something like: ‘I’m feeling criticised by what you just said, is that what you meant to do? If not, could you explain to me what you meant?’
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Again, it’s inevitable that your partner will do something that gets on your nerves, but it’s important to identify whether something is really worth another fight – especially when that’s all you seem to do.
‘Your partner is going to annoy you or do things that you don’t like or agree with, but unless their behaviour has a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s best to pick your battles,’ says Stina.
‘Don’t fight over small things that aren’t going to affect you in the future.’
Tackle the issue head on
While bickering is common, when it begins to seep into nearly every discussion you have with your partner, it’s probably a good idea to chat about where it might be coming from and how you’re both feeling.
‘Try an exploratory conversation where you acknowledge together that bickering has taken centre stage in your relationship,’ suggests Sally.
‘You’ll both need to use open questions and suspend judgements.
‘Difficult and potentially controversial topics are best undertaken while out walking rather than sitting at home, eyeball to eyeball.’
Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’
Avoiding accusatory language is important if you want to avoid a fight.
When communicating with your partner, try making ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements.
‘The difference in language will prevent your partner from getting defensive and causing the argument to spiral,’ Stina explains.
‘For example “You never listen to me” should be changed to, “I feel hurt when you don’t acknowledge my feelings or what I have said.”’
Take time out
If it feels like any attempt to speak to your partner is fruitless, you might be in need of a little space.
Stina says: ‘While it’s not healthy to storm off mid-argument, you can communicate to your partner that you need a couple of hours or a day to clear your head.
‘Take some space to process the argument and how you can deal or best approach the issue with your partner.
‘That way you can communicate in a calm manner.’
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