How I Do It: ‘My husband is 13 years older than me – and he’s come out as bi’

This week, we hear from, Freya*, who has been with her husband, Jake*, for 15 years, and married for seven.

While she’s had one brief relationship with a woman in the past, Freya identifies as straight. However, last year, Jake – who at 50-years-old, is 13 years her senior – revealed that he was bisexual.

Freya, 37, says: ‘In terms of sex drive, my husband and I used to be pretty equal. But as he’s got older, his libido has dipped, while mine has gone up!

‘I wasn’t actually too surprised when Jake* told me he was bisexual, and now, we’re trying to work out what that now means for our marriage.’

Here, Freya shares some frank discussions with her partner, as well as how they match up their differing desires when it comes to sex…

Saturday

Today is our last day on holiday. We’ve spent the week in Rhodes, Greece, drinking wine and eating gyros.

Being away means we’ve felt more relaxed, and tonight, as we enjoyed a pre-dinner cocktail on the balcony of our apartment, we got talking about our marriage.

Last May, Jake told me he was bisexual, and would be keen to have a threesome with a trans woman. I was open to considering our options. We’re not naïve – a sex life when you’ve been together that long needs work!

But soon after Jake came out, his dad got very sick and sadly died soon after. And with that, well, life got in the way.

So, we’ve haven’t actually talked much more about his sexuality – until tonight. With a bit of Dutch courage, I admitted that I’d be more keen on opening up our marriage sexually, rather than actually having a threesome. I love the idea of meeting a random stranger in a hotel bar.

We both have said from the beginning of our relationship that while we love each other, we can separate sex from love. But, Jake said he’s not sure if he could cope with the jealousy if I had one-on-one sex with another man.

So, we’re very much still in the talking stages – but it’s good that we’re talking!

Sunday

We flew home today, and arrived back at our flat just in time to watch the football together, curled up on the sofa.

We both support the same football team, and it’s something that, throughout our marriage, we’ve always made an effort to watch together.

Our team won and I did initiate celebratory sex, but Jake was too tired (and a bit drunk – he’d had a few beers while watching), so we just fell asleep.

I don’t really let our differing libidos bother me – even if we don’t have sex, Jake always reminds me how much he loves me.

Monday

Jake works night shifts and weekends, while I have a very busy social life, so we don’t have as much sex as we like. Annoyingly, Jake also prefers morning sex, whereas I get horny in the evenings.

Today I was working in the office, so apart from a few quick cuddles between snoozes of the alarm, sex wasn’t on the menu.

Someone once suggested that we should schedule sex, but that gives me the ick. I’d rather do it once a month, and it be spontaneous and good, than twice a week on a set day and time, and it be vanilla.

Tuesday

Another no sex day. Sigh.

Jake has just started a block of night shifts, so I went to bed alone.

However, we always make sure we’re in contact, and I decided to send him a sexy selfie before bed – it’s something we’ve always done, and it keeps things spicy. The plan is to get him hot under the collar for when he gets home.

And, when he’s working nights, Jake always sends me goodnight messages, and says how much he misses me. That’s one of the things I love about being married to an older man. It’s not always just about sex – he knows how to be a gentleman, and enjoys wooing me still, even after 15 years together.

Wednesday

Jake got in from work at 7.30am, and it turned out my sexy selfie did the trick. Result. I had to leave for work at 8am, so we managed a very quick quickie.

I’m pretty confident anyway, but Jake always make feel sexy, and like I’m a goddess in the bedroom. I finished on top – and I was gutted when I had to go to work and leave him in bed. He said it helped him have a lovely sleep – jealous!

Thursday

I was hoping for a repeat performance of the day before, but delayed trains for him meant I was leaving for work as he arrived at home. But, as I was rushing out of the door, he grabbed me and we had an intense, passionate, kiss.

I often think people forget about how great kissing is – it’s not just for when you were at school behind the bike sheds. Why don’t people snog anymore? There’s nothing that makes me feel quite as connected to Jake as a great kiss.

However, that evening, with Jake at work, I was feeling in the mood. I love watching porn – although it has to have a storyline – so I grabbed my vibrator and enjoyed some me time.

Friday

No work for Jake tonight – I love it when he’s back in bed with me after sleeping apart.

I woke up in the early hours, feeling unexpectedly horny. He was snuggled into me, so I grinded against him a bit, in a hope to wake him up – and it worked! We had lovely, slow, sex at 3am.

Sometimes, that frantic, sweaty sex is great, but I really enjoy taking my time over things.

After we finished, we dozed off back to sleep, and then when we woke up at about 8am, we did it again. Perfect! A great start to the weekend.

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