‘£250 for a single buttock, double is £400.’ No, this isn’t the price list for the latest cosmetic craze, but how much humans get paid for ‘donating their cells to produce meat’, as Gregg Wallace ostensibly investigated in Channel 4 documentary The British Miracle Meat.
Gleefelly introducing himself as ‘the bald bloke off the telly’, Gregg, 58, visited the ‘human meat’ factory in Lincolnshire and got stuck right into the operations with manager Mick Ross, who casually informed the MasterChef presenter he’d fed his entire family ‘human steak.’
Mick explained steaks, burgers, sausages – whatever takes your fancy – can be harvested from ‘thin slices of human tissue’ in a ‘nutrient rix mich’ that causes cells to grow in one whopping lump called a, er, cake.
The draw is that ‘human flesh’ is much cheaper than the animal alternative, costing as low as 99p per steak, allowing families to survive in the punishing, and unrelenting, cost of living crisis.
The company Good Harvest has also developed a ‘tastier’ premium range of steaks (more on that later), given the thumbs up by Gregg and acclaimed chef Michel Roux Jr in a taste test.
You’d think they’d be more concerned the provenance of the meat is ‘human’ but, oh no, Michel was intrigued whether the birth town of the ‘donor’ would affect the flavour. They decide being from the North East would definitely taste different.
‘In French, it’s known as terroir,’ Michel intoned sagely. Quite.
So good was the ‘meat’, Michel said it was exactly the kind of fare he would serve up in his two Michelin-starred restaurant Le Gavroche. A Boots meal deal has never sounded so appetising.
As we learned earlier, Brexit, and the relaxing of EU laws, have given the UK free reign to ‘harvest people and pay them for their flesh’ so now it’s time to meet some of these poor souls.
Gillian, 67, a retired receptionist for Hornchurch was flogging her thigh (£200) to cope with the cost of living crisis. ‘It would pay for two weeks of energy bills,’ she stated.
Lying on the surgery table to have her tissue ‘extracted’, she’s asked if she’d like to undergo two extractions. Double the money for the same amount of pain!
It’s a great deal according to the clinician, who insisted the procedure it’s ‘pain subjective’ although clearly poor Gillian was in agony.
Now for the big reveal, what exactly is the ‘premium steak’ and what makes it so special? Gregg wonders, practically salivating.
‘Well-fed children under the age of six,’ was the response, they’re ‘milk raised and well-rested.’
Before he can probe the ‘scientists’ over their ‘moral objections’, he’s offered ‘toddler tartare and taken to the junior wing where the ‘premium meat’, sorry, children, are waiting for their ‘extractions.’
Look, before we go any further let’s make this very clear: no children (or adults) were harmed in the making of the documentary, which is in fact entirely fake and scripted.
But how far into the show did you realise it was a satire? It’s a worrying state we’re in that it’s not immediate.
The point the documentary makes, as well as putting strain on the government which, funnily enough once tried to shut the broadcaster down, is how dark will things get before serious action is taken.
Yes, it was a completely insane stunt by Channel 4 but it makes a strong case over government inaction, spiralling energy costs and unsustainable food production. We’re being eaten alive. Bon appetit.
Gregg Wallace: The British Miracle Meat is available to stream on All4.
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