Game on! What board game are you based on your zodiac sign?

Roll the dice, place your bets, sort your suspicions and summon your specters, it is National Board Game Day.

Celebrated on April 11, the holiday aims to elevate tabletop games to the lofty heights of appreciation they deserve.

Historical evidence suggests we’ve been playing games since time immemorial, or at least since survival gave way to spare time.

A 5,000 year old grave mound discovered in Turkey contains the archeological remains of an early board game complete with bone dice, hand carved animal tokens and game pieces made of shells.

A healthy cure to boredom and a helpful aid in working through complex family dynamics. board games got a shout out in Geoffrey Chaucer’s medieval magnum opus, “The Canterbury Tales” and a saw a resurgence in popularity during the bleak end times of the COVID-19 lockdown.

In honor of smug winners and sore losers and the absolute sadists who designed to make the play time of Monopoly EVEN LONGER, we’re bringing you our list of the zodiac signs as board games.

Read on and play for keeps.

Trouble

Chasing, racing, pawn crowning, primary color wearing Trouble is Aries energy incarnate. Trouble is distinguished by the novel presence of the “Pop-O-Matic”, die roller, which in true fire sign fashion, makes a cracking sound when activated, accelerates the game and prevents players from cheating via dubious dice rolls.

Catan

Taurus is a fixed earth sign that lords over the second house of values and possessions. These people are driven by comfort, the securement of tangible goods and the sense of superiority that comes from striking a bargain. In kind, the objective of Catan nee The Settlers of Catan is “trade, build, settle,” the living ethos of the bull. In a very Taurean pursuit, players trade in different types of terrain and the management of the resources they provide; brick, wood, ore, wheat and sheep. Calm, persuasive and prone to holding tight to the kind of grudges this game engenders, Taurus and Catan play nice.

Scrabble

Gemini is ruled by fast talking, words as weapons and phrasing as foreplay planet Mercury. As such natives are lovers of language and Scrabble provides the opportunity for Gemini to flex their smarts, talk s–t and vehemently defend the use of words they make up. I am confident that whatever monster was behind the push to officially include ‘eggcorn’ for Scrabble play was a Gemini.

Sorry!

Ever and always trying to make it home Cancer plays for keeps and in keeping with the objectives of Sorry! Cancer is synonymous with the archetype of the mother and rules over the fourth house of home and lineages. Apropos of this, Sorry! takes inspiration from the ancient Indian game Pachisi, arguably the mother of all board games whose roots reach back to the Iron Age.

The Game of Life

Leo is a fixed fire sign associated with regal bearing, with a cutthroat approach to competition, a dramatic predisposition and champagne taste. In kind The Game of Life is vaguely theatrical, played by selecting myriad life scenarios/professions, adding people to your party car and racing towards the green, leisurely pastures of retirement. In true lion form, the game is won by ending up the richest b–ch at the table.

Clue

Nothing is more erotic or satisfying to a Virgo than the cool breeze of being right. Virgo is the resident detective of the zodiac, ever living to dig deep and get to the bottom of mysteries, people, mistakes and garden beds. This impulse to scrutinize and desire to be right make Clue, the classic murder mystery of whodunnit, where and with what household item, the perfect board game for this mutable earth sign.

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Checkers

Libra rules the seventh house of partnership and checkers is the board game made for two. Those born under the sign of the scales and balances have a natural affinity for order, beauty and equanimity and the balanced, visually arresting checkers board works equally well as a kitchen floor motif.

Ouija

Scorpio rules the eighth house of sex, death and transformation and natives exist a little closer to the veil between the living and the dead than most. Comfortable in shadow and unafraid of literal or metaphorical darkness the Ouija board is a welcome “game” to scorpions. Consorting with ghosts, conspiring with spirts, seeking answers from the other side and being the bravest person in the room is not just their forte but their preference.

Jumanji

Ruled by dice rolling, pony betting, belt loosening planet Jupiter, Sagittarius folk live to push boundaries and press their luck with any manner of games of chance. Interested in traveling, traversing and mind expanding, archers can get on board with Jumanji, “A game for those who seek to find a way to leave their world behind.” Add to this that the OG and deeply beloved “Jumanji” movie starring Robin Williams was released during Sagittarius season in the year of our lord 1995.

Risk

Ever weighing risk versus reward in their complex interpersonal games of strategy Capricorn folk can identify in full with this game of global domination. Developed by sea goat Albert Lamorisse who originally called the game my the very, very Cap name La Conquête du Monde (The Conquest of the World), Risk invites players to try their hand at territorial conquest via military campaigns, which sound like abject hell to me and like a hot date night to a Capricorn. This cardinal earth sign is built to endure and invest and Risk is famously interminable, requiring a commitment of hours and even days to finish.

Monopoly

Aquarius is a fixed air sign and at its highest expression, it serves humanity through idealistic innovation and uncompromising vision. In kind, Monopoly was originally designed by artist/writer/feminist/inventor/progressive Lizzie Maggie to demonstrate, via board game, “the evils of accruing vast sums of wealth at the expense of others,’ essentially attempting to school the 1% on income inequality and the consequences of greed, a lesson that bears repeating and a fight that keeps on waging.

Candy Land

If Pisces people had their way, the world would look more akin to Candy land than the gradient hellscape we currently occupy/are occupied by. Pisces is ruled by Neptune, planet of fantasy, delusions, escape and Lisa Frank coloring books and and Candy land is the edible, animate tree occupied, saccharine utopia that dreams are made of. Further fitting for the hard line/boundary averse people of the fish, the game requires neither strategy nor choice.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.