Don’t believe the research – bald men can be hot too

f you’re a single bald white man I’m even sorrier because for you things are even worse.

As has been widely reported, new research in Evolutionary Psychological Science has found that bald white men are deemed to be less successful and less attractive to women.

This, tragically, on top of news last year that bald men may be hit harder by coronavirus and that balding on the crown is linked to heart disease.

Call me an optimist, but if you’re about to cark it I don’t imagine you’re particularly bothered about how others regard your follicular shortcomings.

Now as a woman with two daughters I’ve normally got bigger body image issues to fight than a subset of men who are sobbing over their chrome domes.

Typically, I would have just two words for you.

Kelly. Slater.

But I’m not here to uphold the hotness of bald men. They can do that themselves with all the time they’ve freed up not having to run a comb through their non-existent locks.

Rather, as an agent for truth I have to question the Evolutionary Psychological Science journal for propagating spurious information.

Notwithstanding that this apparently esteemed organ should be addressing far more relevant topics — for instance, the irksome marketing of incontinence pads to women rather than men and the direct correlation between toilet seat management and increased marital sex — the research is rubbish.

For a start, the study only involved 120 women. If you think back to the days Before Covid, that’s approximately a Jetstar flight-sized sample group speaking for the whole of womankind.

What’s more, the research was done at St Mary’s University in Halifax, Canada. I’ve been to Halifax and while lovely, it’s bloody freezing in winter so you can only imagine that respondents would have a natural bias towards men who look like they’ve shorn a moose and popped it on their head.

There are other problems with the research. While bald white men were perceived as losers in both business and love, bald black men were judged to be no less attractive or successful. Are we to presume that our focus group of foliage-loving women are, in fact, racist?

“It’s a little bit worrying how white men are perceived when they lose their hair,” says Professor Maryanne Fisher, co-author of the study.

“But just because baldness can attract this unconscious view of men doesn’t mean their other qualities don’t matter — and if they are wonderful in other ways, that is very important.”

Prince William must be so relieved. There he was about to impale himself on a hairbrush. Fortunately, it seems that his advocacy for mental health and climate change might mitigate some of the abject unworthiness he feels being blighted with a bald pate. No need for a baldness-disguising crown after all.

Likewise, Michael Klim who can soldier on content that his swimming prowess masked his horror head and the Dalai Lama who clearly forged a career in meditation to deal with the shame he felt over his nude nut.

It feels lazily predictable to cite a raft of bald actors as proof that this research is nonsense but any excuse to Google pictures of Jason Statham who somehow overcame his impediment to model, feature in a string of cult classics and have kids with stunning Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Likewise Bruce Willis who has long secured both work and wives, Stanley Tucci who remains the thinking woman’s crumpet with a clutch of Emmy Awards and the late Sean Connery, dubbed the “sexiest man alive” by People Magazine when he was 69.

Yet if ever there was proof that this research is balderdash you only have to consider its inclusion in a journal devoted to evolutionary matters. Contrary to the research positioning bald men as one step up from primordial slime, they are without question the most evolved life form.

In a world where efficiency matters, being bald puts you at the top of the food chain (thick-haired contenders such as myself are at the bottom). In my swimming group, half the men are bald and while the rest of us are energetically towel-drying our noggins they’re sipping coffee and checking their share portfolios.

Not for them the post-shower styling with multiple mousses and drying implements; their quick shake dry action is more efficient than your average dog. No wonder most men with even a hint of hair loss, eschew the hideous comb-over and shave off the rest instead.

Having spent several years coupled with one such specimen, I wouldn’t necessarily agree with Buzzfeed’s list of 18 Reasons Why Dating A Bald Man is The Smartest Decision You’ll Make All Year.

I’m not sure that they can all “pull off beanies” and that their baldness “makes their gaze even more intense” — unless of course, you’re shacked up with Ed Harris.

But if cutting down on housework is your goal, I can thoroughly recommend a companion whose ablutions don’t clog up the shower drain.

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