Chateau Denmark review: A truly decadent stay

Positioned as honouring its heritage, where music thrived and the party never ends, the opulent hotel is now welcoming guests for an absolutely outrageous stay.

At a time when we’re all feeling the pinch and bracing ourselves for what might come, Chateau Denmark is an over-the-top, go-all-out destination. Upmarket hotels promise unique stays, but let’s face it these are often in rooms where if you looked in next door, it’s the same layout, same design. That’s fine, if that’s what you’re after but Chateau Denmark promises something entirely different for each of its rooms that are furnished with gold-trimmed, graffitied signature beds and full-blown psychedelia with bold colours and leaves you feeling like you’re in your own afterparty having just got off stage.

After almost being teleported through a digital canvas, you’re straight into a red zone where punk rock meets vintage gothic as neons glow in welcome at the reception desk. The team anticipated my arrival and I couldn’t quite work out if that was unnerving or really living up to its VIP promise, nevertheless I was already taking on my rockstar persona, even if I was shattered having run around after a toddler all day.

We were immediately introduced to our butler, Alberto. A butler! He would be taking care of our every need he insisted, as he took us up to our room. Each of the Session Rooms and Apartments bears its own song name like A Killer Queen and McCartney’s This Is Your Time.

We were shown into the Deluxe Session room, where padlocks and whips hang off the wall above the bed. Given a tour, we were also shown a balcony and assured that we could request anything from cigarettes to food from outside the hotel and he would sort it for us. I was in danger of getting used to the life already.

Let it be known, I never want to see a minibar ever again after being spoiled with a maxibar. Why go mini when you could go maxi? Not that I could afford those prices, which were listed out on the TV menu, where a bottle of Garrus Rose would set me back £400. I had anxiety thinking of that one lary friend that would get overexcited and open the wrong bottle. Yikes. And the lighting is super dark in there, so it could happen. Thankfully, there were other reasonable choices. Bottles upon bottles. It’s a party palace for absolutely raucous behaviour and devilishly decadent.

I’m going to confess, we did order in. Some cheap and cheerful offerings from Chinatown that were then plated by Alberto. What a guy. He also knocked us up a rather delicious gin and tonic with an Old Fashioned and also sourced some oat milk, delivering it in stealth that we didn’t even seem to notice. A magician.

Being old now (37, but who’s counting?) I was a little apprehensive about my night’s stay, perhaps I hadn’t quite got fully used to being a rockstar but would fellow guests be raving all night? Would I be that super grumpy spoilsport that ruined everyone’s fun with complaints? But that was not the vibe. We didn’t hear a thing thanks to the super soundproofing and I am still surprised about it because the sound system in the room was next level.