‘Caution’: don’t get back with your ex

I’m a person who finds it incredibly hard to let someone go once they’re in my heart, which is probably why I’m guilty of getting back with more than one ex.

With one particularly doomed, yet drawn out relationship, we were more on-again-off-again than Ross and Rachael. Every time he’d break it off, every time he’d come back begging to get back together, and every time I’d say yes.

What’s more, before every time we’d discuss why we’d broken up, and how I needed to see him turn up for the relationship this time around and he’d always agree. Then he wouldn’t, and the cycle would continue.

The number of chances I gave him before I finally pulled the plug is ridiculous, I know, but if I’m going to do a thing, I’m going to do it a dozen times until I finally learn the lesson. Then I’ll probably do it a couple more times, just in case.

But now, after 10 years of dating mistakes, I have learned the lesson. The thing is, you always break up for a reason, and unless that reason is something along the lines of “we had a happy healthy, loving relationship but circumstances outside our control forced us to live in different countries” — abort mission.

But don’t just take my word for it, I’m just an idiot who dated a lot of red flags. Actual relationship expert, couples therapist, sexologist and coach, Isiah McKimmie, agrees that you really need to think about it before you get back with an ex.

“We want to be cautious about it,” she told news.com.au. “In rare cases it works, but a lot of the time people end up breaking up again for the same reasons they did in the first place.”

“If you break up because you’re at a point of wanting different things out of life, then that’s an OK reason to get back together if you change and end up wanting the same things.”

“Otherwise, really only if you see the person has actually changed — not just said they will, or you hope they have — but actual change.”

How can you tell? McKimmie says if they’re going to therapy that’s a good start.

“If they’re going to therapy, if they’re able to realise what some of their issues were, they behave differently or they’ve matured — these are some of the signs to look for.”

Now, let’s talk about the timing of getting back together. I think all of us, at one point or another, have at least seriously considered getting back with someone we only just broke up with because we’re still in an emotional haze.

Maybe our feelings are still strong, even though the relationship doesn’t work. Maybe we’re scared of being alone. Maybe that person was just such a large part of our lives for so long that it feels weird to be without them.

So is there a period of time we should wait before considering getting back with an ex?

“It’s different for everyone,” says McKimmie. “There’s no fixed rules about timelines for getting back with an ex, but you should definitely do it with caution and be really careful of your expectations.”

So, in summary, probably don’t get back with your ex, no matter how good JLo and Affleck make it look. But if you must, be sure to do your due diligence before you dive back in.

Originally published as ‘Caution’: Why you probably shouldn’t get back with an ex