Dear Amy: I have been going to a hair stylist for three years. She is a delightful young woman with a 4-year-old son and a live-in partner.
The first time I met her, she had severe bruises on her face, and explained that she was hit by a ball during a softball game. I believed her.
In December last year, she again had facial bruises and said she had tripped over her little boy.
At my next appointment, she had facial bruises once more, with another explanation about falling over her son.
I have never noticed scrapes or bruises on her hands (had she tried to break her fall). She never goes to the doctor for treatment.
I’m worried that something else is going on: domestic violence or alcohol abuse?
I have no evidence beyond my suspicions, and wonder if I should ask more? If so, what do I say? If her stories are true, I will embarrass her greatly and that’s not my intention. What would you advise?
— Concerned Client
Dear Concerned: The next time you are in, you could leave a note, along with your tip. Say, “I’ve been worried about some of the injuries you’ve sustained that we’ve discussed during my time with you. If someone is hurting you, there is help. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741.”
Dear Amy: My wife and I were fortunate enough to get married in Tuscany two years ago. We had a small guest list of immediate family and our closest friends.
Neither of us have been married before.
When we hand delivered our “save the dates,” we said we understood that a trip to Italy was a big ask, even with four days of food and lodging provided, and that we understood if people couldn’t make the trip.
With two COVID delays, circumstances prevented two of my friends and their spouses from being able to attend.
A third friend, “Donny,” informed me in the most hurtful way that he and his wife “Linda” would not be making the trip.
Donny broke this news to me by stating that my wedding was a major inconvenience to them with all of the delays, and that they had other priorities in life I was preventing them from accomplishing (one of the specific priorities mentioned was an all-inclusive drinking trip with another couple).
Linda reached out once, and I informed her exactly why I was hurt. She thought I was upset simply because they did not attend the wedding.
I have seen Donny and Linda once since then and she informed me I needed to do something to fix this relationship.
She was implying that if I don’t put in the effort, it will never get fixed because Donny always bottles everything up and never deals with past trauma or conflict.
Amy, I do not feel that I should be the one to fix this, as Donny has never apologized for the hurtful things he said, let alone acknowledged them (which is all I want).
After two years I still wonder if I should just sweep this all under the rug and be the bigger person in order to save a friendship of over 20 years, or if this is one of those situations where you tell me that some friendships are only for a season, even if it is a very long season?
— Aggrieved Groom
Dear Aggrieved: “Donny” doesn’t really seem to bottle things up — he seems quite forward when expressing his own views and preferences.
I believe that the way to discern if the season for this friendship has passed is to address the affront directly — to the person who offended you.
So far, you have stated your case to “Linda,” and she seems to have tossed the ball back to you.
You should tell Donny exactly what bothers you, and why it bothers you.
His reaction will tell you where you stand regarding the future of your friendship.
Dear Amy: I just needed to thank you for running “Updates,” where you rerun questions from the past and provide the writers’ updates.
First of all, I think it’s a great idea.
Secondly, these updates have moved me to tears. What a great start to my day!
— Grateful Reader
Dear Grateful: As I noted, most of these “Updates” tend toward happy endings (those were the people who responded). Reading these responses and corresponding with these particular readers has brought me a lot of satisfaction — and joy.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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