Dear Amy: I’m writing in reference to my recent engagement.
I was alone for a long time and met a woman at work and fell deeply in love with her. Two nights a week, she comes to my place for dinner, and we are intimate. Then she leaves at 10 p.m.
Two months ago, I asked her to marry me and she said yes!
But our situation is very unusual.
She lives with the guy she has been with for 15 years. She has two children with him. They are not married and she told me there are no feelings or intimacy between them — and I believe that.
But she still sleeps in the same bed with him. I haven’t met her kids and my place is too small to have them.
So when she comes to my place and we are intimate and then she goes home, I have a hard time dealing with that.
I try not to think about it, but sometimes it gets the best of me.
Any advice? Am I being a fool?
— Foolish Fiance
Dear Fiance: There are different categories of fools. You are in the “fool-for-love” category. Being a fool for love is nothing to be ashamed of, but because you seem to be suffering from love-induced temporary insanity, I’m going to bluntly try to set you straight.
This is not going to work out. In fact, marrying her would be the worst-case scenario for you, because then you would be with someone who is both dishonest and morally bankrupt.
She has children, and she is already stealing time from them to be with you, but if she is the kind of person who would fully abandon her children to be with you, then this is not someone you could build a healthy future with.
So far, you two don’t seem to be even considering their welfare.
People do cheat on their partners, but if she is engaged to be married to you, every time she goes home to her family and sleeps with her partner, she is now cheating on you. That’s why you’re struggling.
At some point, you will have to emerge from the bubble you’re in and get real about your prospects. I hope you aren’t too emotionally shredded by then to find a more suitable partner.
Dear Amy: A silly question, perhaps, but I’m looking for how to respond to my daughter, who absolutely loves a certain very long-running medical TV series (rhymes with “Shays Calamity”).
My daughter lives in another city and will often start our weekly phone conversations by wanting to talk about the show.
Even though I consider it torture, I’ve been forcing myself to watch every week in order to keep up with it. But, Amy, life is too short.
I’d really like to be permanently discharged from this particular emergency room. Can you help?
— Mortified Mom
Dear Mom: I hear you. Oh, how I hear you.
Liberate yourself from watching, but stay connected with your daughter by asking for her “recap.” Let her tell you who is sleeping with who, who operated on what, and which character died this week as the result of a contract negotiation with the network.
Dear Amy: “Holding History” wrote about finding old photos of her ex’s family members during a clean-out.
I faced this exact situation when cleaning out our home of 39 years.
I found photos from my deceased sister that included her ex-husband as a child, his parents, and other long-lost relatives of his.
I decided to try and find her ex. Unfortunately, I discovered that he and his (second) wife were also deceased.
They, however, had a child that I was able to locate. I sent him a message via Facebook Messenger explaining who I was and why I was contacting him.
He replied that he would love to receive them.
Afterward he contacted me and said he had never seen pictures of his dad as a kid, or pictures of his grandparents in their younger years, and that he could not thank me enough.
He said it filled a void in his life. It also made me feel good that I was able to do this for him.
— No Longer Holding
Dear No Longer Holding: I recently received a copy of an essay my mother wrote about 40 years ago.
This came out of the blue, and from a stranger.
I urge anyone who is able to perform a similar act of generosity to do so.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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