Dear Amy: I have a 20-year-old daughter. I adore her. We have a great relationship.
She lives with her boyfriend and his family.
When COVID-19 hit, I was very cautious, as I have conditions that make me high risk for serious infection.
As the vaccines became available, I was so relieved, and we all got vaccinated.
A couple of days before Christmas, my daughter became quite ill and called my wife to take her to the ER.
She tested positive for COVID but was able to go back home that night.
The next day she sent a text to my wife: “By the way, I am not vaccinated and never will be.”
Months previously, she had said she was vaccinated. She continued to visit us and even her grandfather, who was in a nursing home.
I emailed her, telling her how disappointed I was with her, how her actions endangered me and her grandfather, and how upset I was with her deceit and recklessness.
She has not apologized, nor has she taken any responsibility for her behavior.
I have reached out, but no such discussion has happened, other than a couple of casual conversations.
We (the vaxxed members of the family) are really upset.
If she decides not to be vaxxed, it’s her decision, but how could she not own it and take precautions around people she cares about?
Any suggestions on going forward?
I love her so much, but I’m so disappointed that a woman I raised would do this.
— Distressed Dad
Dear Distressed: I do not want to excuse your daughter’s dangerous behavior, or her choice to lie about it.
However, I will only point out the obvious: She is 20. Twenty-year-olds are notorious for having terrible judgment and then lying about their actions after-the-fact. Proof of how immature she is was when she came down with COVID and then called upon her mom (instead of anyone in her current household) to take her to the ER.
You don’t state why your daughter is living with her boyfriend and his family, instead of living on her own or with you, but this may actually be her unhealthiest choice.
You have already lowered the boom in a completely appropriate way.
Yes, of course you will continue to love her, and yes — you should continue to communicate with her.
Do not wait for an apology for her dangerous actions. This apology may be sitting heavily on her heart, but you might not hear the words until she is 30.
But you also know something important about her, now. She is defying your family norm, and she wants you to know.
Take commonsense precautions regarding spending time with her.
Dear Amy: I am a 67-year-old widowed father and grandfather who has been blessed with four children and 12 grandchildren of various ages from 4 to 26.
I also have a 90-year-old mother I take care of.
We are fortunate to all live within 12 miles of each other in the same city.
I retired early at 62 to spend time with family, helping with grandchildren, going to their events, etc.
There is one son and daughter-in-law who have issues. They say the time I spend with each grandchild is not equal.
I have never questioned the way they parent their children, unless they asked.
I really don’t know how to react to their complaints and policing my family time.
My response to them is: “I don’t tell you how to parent, so don’t tell me how to grandparent!”
What do you think?
— Grandpa
Dear Grandpa: I think that was a pretty rude response to an annoying (and rude) complaint.
You are doing your best, but you have a lot on your plate. When you’ve cooled down, you should remind these parents that you love all your grandchildren equally, but that you aren’t willing or able to parcel out your time exactly evenly.
Try to get to the bottom of what they are responding to and ask if they have specific hurts they’d like to address.
Dear Amy: Your response to “Worried” suggested that her husband, who had “little blue pills in his work bag” but wasn’t having sex with his wife, must be having sex with someone else.
You failed to recognize the possibility that he was having sex with himself … a common practice of husbands who for whatever reason can’t get together with their wives.
— In the Know
Dear In the Know: The hitch (for me) was that he said he was taking them at work.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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