Dear Amy: I have been a journalist and author since my early 20s — now retired and living in a gated community.
After our last book group meeting, I got a call from our coordinator. (She’s a good friend but was unable to attend that meeting).
She said, “Your friends are concerned about you because your behavior was erratic… and one member said you nearly drove her off the road recently.”
My reaction was, “Well, these women are not my friends. I lost my darling husband eight months ago and not once have any of them reached out to me to invite me to lunch or dinner. Furthermore, if they have a problem with me, why didn’t they address me directly? Why are they hiding behind you?”
I’m cutting our coordinator some slack because her husband is gravely ill.
What do you think of my proposed response at the end of our next book meeting? I will say: “Well, ladies, I’m so busy with house guests and other commitments, plus I’m trying to finish writing my book, so I’m going to have to take a break for a while. But I’ll be back. Oh, and by the way, thank you for all the many invitations to join you for lunch or dinner. I was bereft when my husband died, so that meant a lot to me.”
Of course, I don’t plan to return! These are catty women whom I never see, anyway.
I have sons who visit, two good friends here, and several remote friends with whom I have great conversations.
So that’s enough for me.
What are your thoughts?
— Well Read
Dear Well Read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You’ve been told that you almost ran someone off the road.
This is extremely hard to hear. Extremely. Your wounded and defensive reaction has created a smoke screen, where you have completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s going on with you?
You know that you are grieving. You are angry. These people have not extended themselves personally toward you at your most vulnerable stage. No — they are not your friends, but they have expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed response is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m disappointed and upset. But please — I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about this.”
You might propose that the group read and discuss Joan Didion’s important meditation on mourning: “The Year of Magical Thinking” (2005, Alfred A. Knopf).
If you are determined to leave the group, you don’t need to give a reason.
But please — do not withdraw from your friendships.
Dear Amy: My daughter and family live out of the country.
The last time they visited was prior to COVID-19 restrictions.
They are planning a trip in the spring. During their last visit three years ago, I made the mistake of voicing to a friend on the phone that it was hard to have houseguests for a prolonged period.
My daughter overheard me and, of course, and was very offended. I apologized multiple times since for this and thought we were good, but I have been informed that they will not be staying with me when they visit.
I am heartbroken. I will miss out on so many things if they are not here.
My daughter will not change her mind. How do I get past this and enjoy what time I am allowed?
— Sad Grandma
Dear Sad: Accept your daughter’s choice. Do not act heartbroken.
If she and the kids are staying nearby, then you won’t necessarily be missing out on too much.
If you have a local public pool, you can get a temporary membership for the family. Ask your daughter if she would like them to have their dinners at your house. The kids might want to spend some nights with you.
This could actually work out well for everyone, and you should approach this with a positive attitude.
Dear Amy: “Fashionably Hurt Feelings” was facing criticism from family members because she and her fiancé were choosing “arty” clothes to wear at their wedding.
Thank you for telling them to go for it!
Anyone’s wedding should reflect their one style and choices.
When I look at my wedding pictures (from the 1970s — we were so groovy!), I smile.
— Still Grooving
Dear Still Grooving: I like your style.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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