Dear Amy: I need advice on the way forward in my marriage.
I have been married to a good woman for more than 20 years.
We are raising great kids, and we are both proud of them.
However, I feel unloved as a husband. We have no sex life. I only recall two times in which she kissed me.
I have asked her about couples therapy, but she is not interested.
Recently I stopped speaking to her when we were talking about some other couples who divorced, and she said that I always blame the wife.
I said that was BS and a gross exaggeration, and that I want an apology.
In two decades of marriage, I cannot recall a single apology from her.
I am now asking: What is the way forward?
I aspire to have a good relationship with her.
— Perplexed Husband
Dear Perplexed: You may deserve an apology — or many apologies — but you seem to have skipped many steps between hearing a gross generalization, disputing it, and expecting an apology. If you are expecting an apology from someone you know doesn’t ever offer them, then you are throwing down the gauntlet, when you might possibly be communicating — even if it is through an argument.
(Remember that great line from the movie “Jerry Maguire”: “You think we’re fighting, and I think we’re finally talking!”)
I’m not saying that you are at fault, but you want to have a good relationship with someone you portray as unwilling or incapable of having one with you.
Long relationships might start on a firm foundation, but without genuine apologies and forgiveness, they sputter and fail under the weight of too much unfinished business.
You may not be able to repair what is broken between you two.
The only thing you can do is to commit to changing yourself. Counseling would be a great place to start.
Once you experience a true shift in your own attitudes and behavior, you may see changes in her — or you may understand deep in your bones that your relationship is irreparable and that a peaceful parting (with a continued focus on your children’s well-being) would be best for you.
Dear Amy: I have a widowed male friend. His wife was one of my dearest friends, and I have maintained a friendship with him since her death.
He has a band, and women have apparently (in his mind) been interested in “keeping him company” — even when his wife was alive.
He is constantly talking about women calling him, etc.
I told him it was a boring rehash of high school talk. He is 77.
I care about his welfare, but I am sick of his female antics stories. They boost his ego, but we are all tired of the stories.
I can be pretty blunt. He doesn’t get that no one is interested, except for him.
All conversations lead to him.
Other than this, he is a nice man.
Any suggestions on how to get him to end the bragging?
— Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: When confronting your friend about his journey back to high school through his experience in this granddad band, you should speak only for yourself, and describing your own feelings.
Do not tell him that “no one is interested.” You don’t actually know that.
Tell him, “I’m asking you to remember that your late wife was one of my closest friends. Every time I hear you going on about female groupies, it makes me sad. It’s also not of interest — at least, to me. You have the right to live your life the way you want to, but I’d like you to refrain from talking about your prospects or conquests with me. Could you respect my wishes here?”
While you’re at it, you could remind him that enduring friendships last through time because people actually “share.” This means that he needs to listen, as well as talk.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Concerned Mom,” who was concerned about her daughter’s weight.
I’ve been learning so much about fatphobia, the BMI, and my own fatphobic ideas.
I know that this mom was not being mean, but focusing on her daughter’s weight and bad food choices was upsetting.
Most obese people, I have learned, see the most judgment and shame from their own family, not strangers.
Your response was firm and kind. She is an adult, she knows what she looks like, her life is her own.
— A Fan
Dear Fan: I’ve got more of my own work to do — and thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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