Dear Amy: I’m halfway through a two-week visit with my 89-year-old mom, and my stress level is through the roof.
On the one hand, I know that her life isn’t easy due to numerous health issues, including memory and vision loss — plus the death of my dad just over a year ago.
On the other hand, and my siblings would all agree, she makes everything so much harder than it has to be, for herself and for everyone around her.
The criticisms, complaints, put-downs, constant demands and need to control everything makes it so hard to find the patience and compassion I should have.
It doesn’t take very long when trying to do anything with her before I’m stressed out and frustrated at the way she treats me and what I’m being put through while trying to help her.
And I hate myself for it.
I can hear the whine of an unhappy child in the grumbling of the adult I’m supposed to be, and by nightfall it’s not just one day’s worth of issues I’m trying to let go of, but decades of conflict, misunderstandings, and bad behavior on both our parts.
She’s 89. She’s sick. She’s alone. She’s struggling to cope.
She’s my mom.
Why can’t I be more tolerant?
— Intolerant Caregiver
Dear Intolerant: The reason you can’t be more tolerant when providing care to your mother is because providing care for an ill and challenging parent is a huge and heartbreaking experience.
This is one reason that qualified, experienced and reliable professional caregivers are worth their weight in gold. Caregivers outside the family are not triggered by a lifetime of memories of their client. They also go home at the end of their shift. Adult children caregivers remain emotionally engaged, even when they’re not physically present.
I hope that you and your siblings can support one another through this time. Sharing, venting, and comparing notes will help you all to provide your mother with the compassionate care that she needs.
You might also benefit from reading “The Conscious Caregiver: A Mindful Approach to Caring for Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself,” by Linda Abbit (2017, Adams Media).
Dear Amy: I am a single woman in my mid-30s.
I’ve grown increasingly sad and frustrated with not being able to find a relationship, despite going on dates. I’m sad not to have a husband and family at this point, both of which I very much want.
However, I am trying hard to make the best of my life right now.
My problem is this: I often contend with remarks from married or engaged coworkers along the lines of I am “able to do more with work” because I “don’t have to get home for anyone” and I’m “lucky to live alone.”
One coworker complained to me about a minor issue with wedding planning and burst out, “Be grateful you’re not getting married!” while another randomly advised that if I choose to pursue my profession (rigorous but doable), I “shouldn’t get married or have kids.”
These are remarks from men and women. I am hurt by these comments and sometimes I become angry, but I bite my tongue because I don’t want to blow up or say something unkind.
How can I respond when people say these things to me, while making it clear that their comments are insensitive and unwelcome?
— Don’t Know What to Say
Dear Don’t Know: I agree that these comments, while likely tossed off without thinking, are inappropriate in the workplace.
You could rehearse a version of, “I think it would be great at work if we didn’t voice our assumptions about each other’s personal lives.”
Dear Amy: Responding to the question from “Terminated,” I was also tempted to flame a former boss who harassed me out of a great corporate job.
I cooperated with HR with a candid exit interview, but left it at that. Some six years later I had another excellent corporate position and the former boss’s name came up at a meeting.
I was less than flattering in response.
Later my CEO took me aside and said, “I know Mr. X was very difficult to work for, but you should know that when it came down to hiring you or the other finalist, it was his glowing recommendation that got you the job.”
(I had certainly NOT put him down as a reference, but the company meticulously checked with former employers.)
The lesson: Don’t burn bridges.
— Been There
Dear Been There: Absolutely.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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