I spent years in therapy waiting for a therapist to ask me what I want. No one ever did.
So I distracted myself with small desires and big obstacles, pursuing some of what mattered to me while holding myself back in countless ways. I attached myself more to burdens than possibilities.
Finally, tired of feeling stuck, I became a psychotherapist to better understand the human experience. Based on my 10 years of practicing, I’ve found that there are nine things people want most in life — forget everything else:
1. To be loved
Love can be abstract and it can be concrete. It can be the act of snuggling. Saying the words “I love you.” Or not saying the words but knowing they’re felt. It’s about showing up and comforting people. Or allowing them to help us.
But even when we have loving relationships, we can get so familiar with it that we forget to notice. Allow for some enchantment and fondness. What’s small can still matter.
2. To be understood
When people’s opinions of us clash with how we want to be seen, we feel alienated and isolated. But to be understood by others, we must first understand ourselves.
Think of your signature, the mark that makes you who you are, both internally and what you show the world. Wherever you go, whatever you do, there’s a thread of continuity.
Never stop thinking about what it means to be you. It’s a lifelong pursuit.
3. To have power
There are times when the desire for power is beautiful and life enhancing. But when our longing for power is an attempt to compensate for a lifelong deficit, we can zigzag between swelling visions of glory and crashing despair.
Embrace flexibility and moderation. Power isn’t about control over others; it is about authenticity and authority. Stepping into your power can be your way of claiming adulthood and taking responsibility for your choices.
4. To have (and give) attention
“I haven’t looked into my children’s eyes for a very, very long time,” one person confided to me at a moment of deep discovery. “I’ve been so angry at life, I forgot to notice this beautiful creature I created.”
More and more, noticing her children helped her feel less wounded. Attending to them in a deep, attuned way healed something for her. By really seeing, she felt less deprived.
To feel more fulfilled, make a point of concentrating on an activity or topic that matters to someone you love.
5. To have freedom
For a teenager, freedom might mean not having a curfew. For an adult, it might mean setting your own work hours.
Ask yourself what kind of freedom you want. The freedom we pursued when we were 20 isn’t necessarily the same freedom that’s available at 60. Adjust the terms and conditions of your commitments.
6. To create
If you insist, you can have creative moments every day just by observing and being curious.
Express yourself imperfectly. Change your point of view about an issue. Take in something new and let out something personal. Experience something fresh.
7. To belong
At times, you might feel alienated and at odds. But if you can feel comfortable in being all that you are, you can experience not belonging with more ease, even with delight at times.
It’s about being secure in all that you are, even the awkward, clumsy, oddball moments — especially those moments! If you’re just trying to fit in, you will miss out on truly belonging.
8. To win
“I’m delighted with myself. I did brilliantly. Well done, me. I see that I’m skilled at doing this, and I have done an excellent job,” a 55-year-old once said to me. “This feels like a win.”
Consider what “winning” means to you. The definition changes and the rules vary. Honor your successes, however small.
9. To connect
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