The easiest way to fix broken All-Star Games in professional sports is the same as the easiest way to fix a broken toilet: Throw money at the problem.
But what about more creative solutions that tug at the personal pride of some of the most competitive people on Earth?
An old debate was reignited in light of Nuggets head coach Mike Malone astutely calling the 2023 NBA All-Star Game “the worst basketball game ever played.” The highlights of uncontested 40-foot shots in transition paled in comparison to social-media highlights of the Kobe Bryant-Stephon Marbury late-game shootout in 2001, three shot-clock violations forced by defenses in the first quarter in 1993 and Rolando Blackman’s passion after forcing overtime at the buzzer in 1987.
How can All-Star games become more competitive — and watchable — in an era when avoiding injury in an exhibition game has become so important that giving maximum effort is rarely considered?
Incentivizing players on the winning team with bonus checks and/or sponsorship deals — redirecting advertising revenue from the league to players — would fuel competition, but it would have to be a seriously high purse to get the best players (or those with the biggest contracts) to participate. What else might work in combination with extra pay?
NBA: Pay homage to “NBA Jam” — the greatest basketball video game of all-time — with a single-elimination 2-on-2 tournament split over a three-day weekend. All 30 teams send two representatives and a substitute voted by fans, with the overall league standings at the All-Star break providing seeds for the bracket, which requires five or six games (depending on first-round byes) to win it all.
Follow traditional pick-up scoring rules of baskets counting for one or two points, possession staying with a team that scores and games ending at 11. A player who makes three straight shots and is deemed “on fire” — prompts the introduction of a new flame-emblazoned basketball and any consecutive makes count for double points.
The winning duo earns their team an extra second-round draft choice as a way for coaches and executives to be on board with players joining an exhibition tournament. The game also could be moved to the end of one season or to the week before the next season begins, as a pro version of “Midnight Madness.” And, of course, cash prizes based on order of finish.
MLB: Inspired by the World Baseball Classic, let’s highlight players by their home regions. North America — consisting of the United States, Mexico, Canada, Puerto Rico, Cuba and the Dominican Republic, among others — might be too dominant to use the old NHL All-Star format of “North America versus the World,” but there are other ways to divide up geographically and highlight the game’s strong international presence in South American and Asian countries.
As for the game play, it’s already the best of the All-Star Games, with stars opting in and effort rarely in question. You can’t be half-committed to throwing or hitting a 99 mile-per-hour fastball, right? But MLB is always looking for ways to experiment with rules to speed up game play. Here’s the spot to test kickball’s “four foul balls and you’re out” rule, a robot strike zone and various clocks.
Let’s also suspend the rule that all players cannot be subbed in and out of the game at will. If Aaron Judge started, took two at-bats and subbed out so teammates could play, why can’t the Home Run King be sent back to the plate in the ninth inning for a power-on-power showdown against closer Emmanuel Clase’s heater if his team needs a home run to tie in the ninth inning?
NFL: The “Fan-Controlled Football League” is on to something, letting fans interactively make play calls and other in-game decisions.
The Pro Bowl scrapped any semblance of real football for the first time this year in favor of a mixture of a skills competition (Best Catch), a flag football game and a totally unrelated athleticism test (dodgeball game). Let’s keep the flag football aspect — it seemed to be popular with players and losing head coach Peyton Manning was fired up by a rules challenge — but incorporate some armchair quarterbacks.
Have fans at home vote on play calls, when to use timeouts and whether to go for it on fourth down. If not, how about each of the 32 teams’ chosen Fan of the Year gets to make some calls?
Or how about we use another iconic video game and have real-life players run the exact play that is shown to the viewing audience on a “Madden” screen? Like the current NBA All-Star Game format of players drafting their peers, the winners of a season-long players-only Madden tournament captain Pro Bowl teams and earn the right to pick players for their flag football team. The captains “call the game” as we watch it acted out by real players who give us better insight into the Xs and Os of football.
NHL: Start with the obvious: Play outside. But not on some rotating baseball stadium or football field. Games have been played on a casino rooftop in Las Vegas and on the south shore of Lake Tahoe. Find the next great outdoor venue — Skating by the Sea at Hotel Coronado in San Diego? — and pitch it as a unique vacation for players’ families to entice the best.
Or build an Olympic-sized rink to accentuate skating in the place of the missing (injury-susceptible) checking, whether that means taking away seats to expand NHL rinks or building a new 200-by-98-foot rink at a destination that signs a 10-year contract to annually host.
From there, take the current four-team (one per division) 3-on-3 tournament and expand it to an-eight team World Cup single-elimination tournament. Teams in the final would play three shortened games instead of two, so maybe it’s a two-day event instead of one day. Some hockey enthusiasts would balk at dividing up the NHL’s melting pot, but there’s no denying casual sports fans tune in for Olympic-style hockey.
The best part of playoff hockey is goaltenders proverbially standing on their heads. What if All-Star scoring is tweaked so a panel of judges awards points for outstanding saves, better featuring goalies? A behind-the-head glove save while doing a split is equal to a goal.
At the very least, the coinciding skills competition — maybe as important as the actual game in the NHL and widely panned in 2023 — needs to be improved so there is not as much downtime and more actual hockey skills on display. I don’t need Alex Ovechkin swinging a golf club any more than I need Pete Alonso swinging a tennis racket. Simpler is better. Let the fastest skaters and most precise shooters do what they do best.
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Bieniemy of logic
It never made sense during the Chiefs’ rise to superpower in the Patrick Mahomes Era that offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy reportedly went on 17 head coach interviews with 16 different franchises and did not land a job. All sorts of speculative explanations and allegations have been floated over the last five years: Are NFL owners racist? Is Bieniemy’s old arrest record — in 1993 for allegedly grabbing a woman by the throat, in 1998 for an alleged bar fight and in 2001 for a DUI — creating pause? Is he saying the wrong thing in the interview setting?
Finally, left with seemingly no other choice, Bieniemy conceded to the simplest football-based explanation for his lack of advancement: He isn’t getting hired because it’s hard to know how much of the Chiefs’ success he is responsible for when head coach Andy Reid calls the plays for the great Mahomes. Then again, Doug Pederson and Matt Nagy (both white) were non-play-calling offensive coordinators under Reid before Bieniemy and both were hired as head coaches.
And so Bieniemy — perhaps seeing how Mike Kafka, free from working under Reid and Bieniemy with the Chiefs, landed four head coach interviews after one year of calling plays for the Giants — just left Kansas City to become offensive coordinator and assistant head coach of the Commanders … giving us a new thing that makes no sense.
Even if this was the jump that Bieniemy had to make, why to the Commanders? Why to coach quarterback Sam Howell — a fourth-round pick in 2022 with one career start — who supposedly will be their starter next season? Why attach himself to head coach Ron Rivera, who will enter the season on the hot seat? Why, after waiting so long already, not wait for a better opportunity at a lateral move next offseason?
If the Commanders move forward with their plan and Howell flops, Rivera is fired and the Commanders potentially change owners, then what’s next for Bieniemy?
Slip back to the Chiefs in a lesser role under his replacement (likely Nagy) and bide his time to get back his old job, the way some of Bill Belichick’s assistants do with the Patriots? Would another team with a better quarterback give him a second chance outside of Reid’s shadow? Stumble down the shorter-than-expected road to the USFL or XFL?
It was only five years ago that then Super Bowl-winning Eagles quarterbacks coach John DeFilippo was one of the hottest names in offensive coaching, even drawing a head coach interview with the Bears. A couple of unproductive stops later, however, he is the head coach of the USFL’s New Orleans Breakers.
Credit to Bieniemy for claiming his own power. But leaving Mahomes’ side for anyone — let alone the teetering-on-disaster Commanders — is a big risk.
Bachelor scouting reports
Consider me the Jesse Palmer of NFL writers. Palmer went from simultaneous Giants backup quarterback and contestant on “The Bachelor” in 2004 to host of the show in 2021. Me? I devote a lot of my professional time to covering the Giants as a complement to longtime beat reporter Paul Schwartz and a lot of my guilty-pleasure time to watching “The Bachelor.”
It’s a slow week in sports — with NBA teams on the All-Star break, MLB teams just reporting to spring training and NFL coaches and executives one week away from descending on Indianapolis for the Scouting Combine. So, let me practice some draft analysis with a few scouting reports on my top-five picks (without reading any spoilers beforehand) for Season 23 of the reality show with contestant Zach Shallcross:
1. Kaity: Early favorite to be the top pick after landing an unconventional overnight date, given out weeks before the traditional Fantasy Suites with the final three contestants. Kaity’s Texas roots and Zach’s relocation to Austin for work provide a home-field advantage in a world where long-distance relationships rarely succeed. Their chemistry feels natural.
2. Aly: Admitted Type A personality, she let go of control to skydive on a 1-on-1 date. That shows a willingness to take risks and be — Bachelor buzzword time — vulnerable. Producers don’t just waste the yearly private concert from a musical artist that the couple on the date pretends is more famous than actually is the case — Griffin Palmer, anyone? — on just any date.
3. Gabi: Some athletes lend themselves to easy nicknames — Kevin Durant as the “Slim Reaper” — and some don’t. Same with Bachelors. It was painful watching Gabi try out Zacharius, Zachy, Zachy-poo and others on Shallcross. A week later, she admitted to peeing her pants in the tackle football game. She makes him laugh, though. That can’t be undersold. Everyone loves a comeback story.
4. Katherine: Sometimes called Kat, not to be confused with “Cat,” who was already sent home. Zach thought she was out of his league before their 1-on-1. Some viewers say she looks like actress Julia Roberts. Roberts’ romantic-comedy characters always overcome adversity for a happy ending. Will Katherine? She addressed a difficult relationship with her mother head-on — a good lesson for draft prospects not to hide any family secrets.
5. Ariel: A smart, selfless suitor. How else do you describe the way that she snuck off on the group date to check on Zach’s feelings after he freaked out when hearing fellow suitor Anastasia might only be involved for the Instagram followers and not for love? No wonder she earned the group date rose, some intense making out and positioned herself for a future 1-on-1.
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