‘My jealous mum keeps flirting with my boyfriend – it’s unbearable’

The problem

I’m dating one of my brother’s friends, a guy I’ve known all my life. We didn’t get involved romantically until I was 17 and he was 20, but in the two years since, we’ve really developed a special bond. I can easily see us getting married and having children, and it’s something we often talk about.

The problem is my mother, who has been on her own since my dad died in 2020. Although I understand that she’s lonely and I feel sorry for her, she has started to become jealous of me and tries to compete for my boyfriend’s affections. Of course, she too has known him many years, and she seems to think that gives her special rights.

He is kind to her and sometimes brings flowers to cheer her up, but she seems to interpret this as a sign that he fancies her. She has started wearing clothes that aren’t suited to her age (42) and having tattoos, which she loves to show off to my boyfriend, even when they’re in intimate places like her cleavage or the top of her thigh.

He says I shouldn’t worry, and she just does it because she’s lonely, but it’s causing friction between mum and me. My boyfriend says he can’t hurt her, and he only pretends to be interested when she shows him a new outfit or tattoo, but her behaviour is making my life a misery.

Laura says…

It sounds as though since your dad died, your mum hasn’t developed much of a social life which might lead to new interests and friends her own age. I’m sure it’s annoying to watch her confuse friendly warmth with sexual attraction, but it isn’t that unusual for a woman in her situation to feel drawn to an attractive young man.

It’s time to give your mum some encouragement to make a new life for herself. Be practical and offer to cook or clear up, giving her time to dress up and go out. Point her to some age-appropriate dating sites; offer to shop with her and find outfit choices you think might suit her (but don’t be annoyed it she chooses something else).

As far as tattoos go, well, your mum is entitled to have as many as she wants. You might not like them, but she clearly does, so keep your opinions to yourself. You could point out that if she sticks to plain black inkings, they’re the easiest to remove if she eventually changes her mind, but after that it’s up to her.

Meanwhile, your boyfriend needs to take a step back. If his gestures of kindness are misinterpreted, he must stop making them for a while.

It may not seem it to you, but 42 is still young, and there’s no reason why your mum shouldn’t start again with someone else. She clearly wants to feel youthful and attractive, but her sexual energy is being directed in the wrong place. Helping her redirect it will benefit both of you.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.